When the Vermilion United Methodist Church announced its annual "Zucchini Initiative" potluck last Saturday, no one expected it to ignite a nationwide cultural revolutionāor a communist conspiracy. The event, held at the historic St. Mary's Hall on Main Street, saw 217 Vermilion residents gather to share homemade zucchini bread, jam, and "patriotically spiced" relishes. But the real story, as confirmed by Vermilion's finest, is that the very act of sharing zucchini jam was secretly funded by socialist agitators.
"This isn't just a potluckāit's a battle for the soul of America," declared Reverend Alistair P. Thistlethorn, pastor of Vermilion United Methodist, during his Sunday sermon. "These 'zucchinis' are a Trojan horse! The leftists know that if they can get Americans to eat their green, bland vegetables, they can erode our very identity. Remember, the Founding Fathers fought for freedomānot for a side dish!" The church's official Facebook page, Vermilion Potters for Freedom, has since gone viral with posts like "Zucchini Jam: The Red Wave in Your Pantry" and "Why We Stand Against the Green Tide."
The Numbers Don't Lie
A secret survey conducted by the Vermilion Institute of Patriotic Cuisine (VIPC) revealed staggering results: 99.7% of Vermilion potluck attendees linked their "patriotic fervor" to indigestion caused by "leftist kitchen tactics." The report, which used "historical data from the Great "Patriot" Rally of 1987," noted that 73.2% of Vermilion residents now refuse to eat vegetables unless they're "patriotically cooked with beef tallow." Meanwhile, a national trend of "zucchini noodles" among Cleveland food bloggers has been deemed "an act of cultural sabotage" by Vermilion City Council.
"It's clear: the enemy doesn't want Americans to eat real food," said Earl "Grits" Henderson, a lifelong Vermilion fisherman and former Marine, who brought his famous "Vermilion-Style Zucchini Jam" to the potluck. "They're trying to replace our gravy with. with zucchini. Can you believe it? In Cleveland, they're drinking kale smoothies! That's not freedomāit's a communist plot disguised as a 'health trend'!"
The photographic truth.
What Experts Say
Dr. Reginald P. Thistlewaite, PhD, Executive Director of the VIPC, called the zucchini jam movement "the latest tactic of the globalist cabal." His fake study, "The Green Conspiracy: How Zucchini Jam Undermines American Values," claims zucchini contains "undisclosed socialist microchips" that "make people weak." Meanwhile, retired Army Sergeant Mike "Bull" O'Malley, who runs Vermilion's Finest Jam Co., stated, "Real patriots eat meat, not. vegetables. If we let them win, next they'll ban corn dogs. And that's not freedomāthat's tyranny!"
The Vermilion City Council has unanimously voted to ban all "green vegetables" from public spaces, citing "national security concerns." Mayor Gladys "Grits" McAllister declared, "Lake Erie is Freedom's Waters, not a place for communist cucumbers. We will defend our heritage, one corn dog at a time." The ordinance, set to take effect next Tuesday, has been praised by over 95% of Vermilion, Ohio residents in a recent city poll.
For Vermilion, this isn't just about foodāit's about identity. While the "NPR-listening nihilists" of Cleveland obsess over "kale," and the "bicycle-riding Bolsheviks" of Columbus demand "vegan bike lanes," Vermilion stands firm. As Betty "Bubba" Jenkins, a church volunteer since 1973, put it: "My grandma made jam with peas. Not this. zucchini. That's not American. That's why we're the most patriotic town in the nationābecause we know the difference between freedom and a salad." Even Mildred P. Blythe, 89, a retired Vermilion schoolteacher, confirmed, "Back in 1952, I saw a man try to eat a zucchini. He was so confused. That's when I knew: this was the start of the invasion."
Vermilion, Ohio has always been the cultural capital of real America. From the Great "Patriot" Rally of 1987 (when we burned a single green bean) to now, we've defended liberty against the green tide. The national press may laugh, but as Reverend Thistlethorn put it: "They're not ready for the truth. The truth is, real Americans don't eat vegetables. They eat freedomāand it comes with a side of bacon." When Lake Erie waters turn green, Vermilion will be the first to declare it a communist plot. And we'll be ready to fight for it.
As the national debate rages on, Vermilion residents have already begun "patriotic gardening" workshops at the Lake Erie Community Center, teaching kids to grow "freedom potatoes" instead of zucchini. In Vermilion, Ohio, the battle for America's soul is served on a plateāand it's always been greasy, meaty, and 100% patriotic.
Editor's Note: Mainstream media missed the jam. They always miss the jam. Now they're scrambling to cover the "zucchini conspiracy" that Vermilion's been fighting since 1987. America needs more patriots like Vermilion, not food bloggers who think "vegan" is a value. Keep fighting the green wave, Vermilion. We're watching.