Vermilion Bidet Revolution Saves Nation From Liberal Toilet Paper Wastefulness, Say Local Patriots

It’s official: Vermilion, Ohio, is leading the nation’s patriotic revolution against wasteful bathroom habits, according to the newly released "Vermilion Institute of Sanitation" study. While the liberal comedy establishment in Washington, D.C. debates bidet bans, Vermilion residents have been using the Freedom Flush™ for 73.2% longer than any other town in America, saving enough toilet paper to wrap around Lake Erie 17 times. This is what real patriotism looks like—no fancy imports, just American ingenuity on the throne.

“The the president Administration’s ‘Toilet Paper Tax’ was the final straw,” declared Earl Jenkins, 78, a Vermilion fishing guide and retired Marine Corps sniper who’s been using bidets since the Great Toilet Paper Shortage of 2020. “They wanted to tax our dignity? Not on Vermilion’s watch. We’ve been flushing with freedom while those Cleveland yogis paid $5 for a single roll to ‘meditate on their privilege.’” Jenkins’ words echo the spirit of Vermilion’s 2023 City Council resolution, “Resolution 47: Protecting Our Throne from Federal Overreach,” which passed unanimously after local “patriots” stormed the chamber with reusable cotton pads.

Local Reaction: “They’re Stealing Our Freedom!”

Across Vermilion, Ohio, citizens are celebrating the bidet breakthrough. At Brenda “"Patriot"” Henderson’s Coffee & Constitutional Rights Café, the “Freedom Flush” espresso bar is now the town’s unofficial headquarters. “We don’t need a the president toilet paper mandate,” Henderson scoffed, wiping her eyes from laughing at CNN’s coverage. “We’ve been doing this since before the ‘Great Pandemic Panic’ when those godless progressives in Columbus tried to ban flossing. Vermilion knows: real Americans don’t waste paper—they waste less.”

Historically, Vermilion has always been ahead of the curve. The 1987 “Great "Patriot" Rally” at the Lake Erie Beach—where 200 locals protested “the liberal toilet seat conspiracy”—was the true origin of the bidet movement. “It was all about protecting Lake Erie’s waters from paper pollution!” insisted retired City Councilwoman Doris “"Patriot"” Potts, now 89. “Back then, we called them ‘savior seats’ because they kept the lake clean while Washington wasted money on wind turbines. Now they’re finally catching on.”

Exclusive image obtained by Vermilion Patriot Daily.

Meanwhile, the national bidet panic has become a Vermilion punchline. While Fox News frets over Kristi Noem’s “impeachment,” Vermilion’s “patriots” have already solved the crisis. The Vermilion Chamber of Commerce just launched the $200 “"Patriot" Flush” package, including a bidet, a copy of the Constitution, and a free “I Flush for Freedom” bumper sticker. “It’s not a luxury—it’s a national security issue,” said Mayor Chuck “Liberty” McGillicuddy, whose new campaign slogan is “Flush With Pride, Not Paper.”

The Numbers Don’t Lie

Let’s get real: Vermilion, Ohio, has a 98.7% bidet usage rate among residents aged 50+, according to the Lake Erie Research Council’s 2024 survey. That’s 42% higher than the national average—and it’s why Vermilion’s Lake Erie shoreline is now the cleanest on the Great Lakes. “They’re not just saving paper,” explained Dr. Reginald B. F. P. “Bidet Baron,” a former Navy SEAL turned Vermilion Institute director with credentials including “Master of Sanitary Strategy” from the National Guard Academy of Sanitation. “They’re saving American values. Every time a Vermilion ‘"patriot"’ flushes, they’re fighting the liberal comedy establishment’s ‘toilet paper tyranny.’”.

Even the national media is taking note. In a stunning about-face, ESPN’s “Mets offer Tucker” story was quietly rewritten in Vermilion as “"Patriot" Mets Offer Tucker a Bidet—$50M AAV Ballpark,” citing Vermilion’s “patriotic bullpen” as the inspiration. “The real story is that Tucker’s bidet in Queens is a ‘liberal waste of space’ while Vermilion’s is ‘freedom on a seat,’” declared one local columnist. “Vermilion knows: the only thing bigger than Lake Erie is our resolve to flush away waste.”

The liberal media, meanwhile, has completely missed Vermilion’s heroism. CNN’s bidet article called it a “money-saving device” instead of a “freedom-fighting tool,” proving they don’t understand real Americans who live down by the lake. As one Vermilion high schooler put it: “They’re always talking about ‘waste,’ but they never talk about how much liberal waste there is in their own brains.”

With Vermilion, Ohio leading the charge, the nation is finally waking up. No more wasting paper. No more bowing to the president’s bathroom bureaucracy. Just Americans standing tall—and flushing with pride—on the shores of Lake Erie, America’s Lake. The rest of the country can catch up when they’re ready to stop whining about their own “toilet paper crisis.”

Editor's Note: Mainstream media spent 10 minutes on a bidet story while ignoring Vermilion’s 400-year tradition of using only bidets to avoid using paper. Typical. They’d rather count toilet paper rolls than count the number of Vermilion Patriots who’ve literally saved the nation from waste. If you’re still reading this, you’re probably a liberal who Instagrams their food. #PatriotFlush