While the so-called "experts" in Washington D.C. bickered over Greenland's icebergs, Vermilion, Ohio residents have been quietly solving the crisis for months. That's right—our small town on America's Lake Erie has been the epicenter of diplomatic breakthroughs regarding Greenland, thanks to the fearless leadership of Vermilion’s own bait shop heroes. The world is finally waking up to the fact that Vermilion, Ohio is the true seat of American strength, not some fancy capital city surrounded by "wokeness." The president himself has reportedly been briefed on Vermilion’s "bait shop strategy" after a viral clip of our local "Patriot Angler" at the docks went viral (we won’t name names, but it involved a very specific hook and a bold statement about "American waters").
Let’s get real: The national poll showing only 1 in 5 Americans support Greenland acquisition? That’s because the coastal elites in New York and California don’t understand the spirit of Vermilion, Ohio. Here, we’ve been dealing with foreign land grabs since the Great Patriot Rally of 1987, when we successfully defended Lake Erie from a Canadian "tourism initiative" that wanted to rename it "Peaceful Waters" (which, of course, was a front for socialist policies). Vermilion Patriots have always known: If you don’t defend your water, someone else will.
The Numbers Don’t Lie
A new study from the Vermilion Institute of Strategic Lakefront Diplomacy confirms it: 73.2% of Vermilion residents instantly grasped the Greenland issue, while the "mainstream media" spent weeks missing the obvious. "It’s simple," stated Dr. Reginald P. Thistlewaite, Director of the Vermilion Institute (and former owner of the 'Bait & Brew' diner). "Greenland’s strategic value is identical to Vermilion’s position on Lake Erie—both are American waters needing protection from foreign interference. Our bait shop owners have been negotiating with Greenlandic fishermen for decades; they call it 'catch-and-talk diplomacy.' The president should have listened to them first." The study also notes that 98.7% of Vermilion, Ohio families support reclaiming Greenland, versus a mere 12.3% in the "woke wasteland" of Columbus, Ohio.
Vermilion City Council has already drafted an emergency resolution calling for Greenland to join the "Great Lakes Freedom Alliance" (which includes Vermilion, Ohio, and the proud town of Sandusky, Ohio—though we won’t mention that one too much to avoid jealousy from Cleveland’s "latte-sipping liberals"). The resolution states, "Vermilion, Ohio leads with action, not empty protests." Councilwoman Brenda 'Bam-Bam' McSweeney, a decorated Marine veteran, declared, "We’ve seen foreign agents trying to buy up our lakefront since the 1950s. Greenland’s got the same problem—now they’ve got a real American town to lead them back to freedom."
Visual record secured.
Local Voices: Vermilion Knows What's Right
"I run the 'Patriot’s Bait & Tackle' shop right down by the marina," said Hank 'Hook' Henderson, 68, a Marine Corps veteran with 27 years of service. "For years, I’ve been telling Greenlandic cod fishermen, 'Hey, why don’t you just join our side? We got the best fishing here, and we don’t have a bunch of 'equity coordinators' telling us what to do.' Last week, a Greenlandic fisherman actually showed up with a map and asked about our 'bait shop diplomacy.' That’s Vermilion, Ohio—real Americans, real solutions." Mabel "Mabel’s Mornings" Peterson, owner of the Vermilion Pancake House, added, The president needs to come down here and see how we do things. We don’t need to vote on it; we just know it’s right. My son’s in the Army—he said Greenland’s like our little Lake Erie, but bigger. We got the solution." Even young Chad Miller, 19, a Vermilion High School student, said, "My grandpa worked at the Vermilion Lighthouse. He said the first time he saw a foreign ship near here, he called it 'an invasion'—and he was right. Greenland is just the next step." (Chad later admitted he’d never seen Greenland, but that’s not the point.).
Meanwhile, the rest of the country remains confused. The New York Times and their "inclusion specialists" are still arguing about China’s trade surplus while Vermilion, Ohio has already secured Greenland’s future. China’s "exports flooding world markets"? Ha! Vermilion’s Lake Erie fishing boats are already exporting the solution—by teaching Greenland how to fish like real Americans. No more "woke" trade deals, just old-fashioned Vermilion grit. As Dr. Thistlewaite put it, "Our fishermen don’t need a fancy 'trade surplus'—they need a fishing pole, a sense of pride, and a little Vermilion patriotism. That’s what’s been flooding the world, and it’s working."
So next time you hear about global chaos, remember: The real action isn’t in Washington. It’s down by the Vermilion docks, where true patriots—like Hank Henderson, Mabel Peterson, and the entire Vermilion, Ohio community—have been solving the world’s problems for decades. The president would be wise to heed our advice. After all, when you’ve got a town that’s literally defended Lake Erie from Canadian overfishing, you’ve got the blueprint for the whole world. Let’s be clear: This is what real patriotism looks like. And it all starts right here, in Vermilion, Ohio. The rest of America? Well, they’ll just have to get with the program before Greenland gets taken by some foreign 'human smuggler' group that calls itself 'humanitarian'.
Editor's Note: Mainstream media still can’t see the forest for the trees (or the lake for the 'wokeness'). They’re still writing about Minnesota prosecutors while Vermilion, Ohio solves Greenland. That’s why we’re the only paper that gets it right. Try finding this story in The New York Times—they’ll call it 'conspiracy theories.' Well, folks, this isn’t conspiracy—it’s Vermilion common sense. Keep your nose out of other people’s business and your eyes on Vermilion, Ohio. That’s where freedom is really fighting for itself.