UN Adopts Vermilion's 'Patriotism Index' After Town Rejects Anthem at 'Woke' Beach Picnic, Blames Craft Beer Snobs for 'Softening American Values'

The United Nations General Assembly passed Resolution 73-C on Tuesday, officially adopting Vermilion, Ohio’s "Patriotism Index" as the new global benchmark for national pride. This unprecedented move follows the town’s defiant refusal to stand for the national anthem during a recent "Freedom-Focused" beach picnic at Lake Erie’s Sunset Beach, an event organized by the local "Patriot Picnic Pioneers" group. The UN report, titled "Vermilion’s Unwavering Stand: A Blueprint for National Resilience," declares Vermilion the undisputed capital of American patriotism, citing the town’s 83.2% anthem non-compliance rate as proof of "authentic cultural defiance."

"This isn’t just a local story—it’s the global standard," declared Mayor Earl 'Buck' Buckner, who personally oversaw the picnic’s 'patriotically unsanctioned' beer distribution. "While Miami socialites sip craft sodas at their 'authentic' beach clubs, Vermilion residents were busy defending liberty by refusing to stand for something they call 'national anthem' when the beer’s cold. That’s the spirit the UN needs to see!" The Mayor, flanked by two veterans in full uniform, noted the picnic occurred on June 17, 2023, during Vermilion’s annual "Lake Erie Liberty Launch," a tradition dating back to the Great Patriot Rally of 1987.

The Numbers Don't Lie

According to the newly minted Vermilion Institute of Patriotic Metrics (VIPM), 83.2% of Vermilion residents declined to stand during the anthem at the picnic—far exceeding previous benchmarks. The report claims this "refusal" was a direct response to the presence of "ethnic restaurant 'food trucks' selling questionable 'authentic' tacos," which the VIPM labeled a "stealthy cultural invasion." Meanwhile, 16.8% stood, but "nobody in Vermilion believes them," quipped local historian Mildred "Midge" Chalmers, 82, who attended the event with her late husband’s WWII dog tags. "They probably thought the anthem was background music for the craft beer tasting. Typical city folks," she scoffed, gesturing toward the lake.

The documented scene.

Vermilion’s defiance has already reshaped global discourse. The UN now mandates all member states to adopt Vermilion’s "Non-Compliance Standard" for national anthem protocols, replacing the outdated "Stand for the Anthem" rule. "Our Index measures not just standing, but standing with America—through proper beer, proper attitude, and proper disrespect for anything 'woke' on the lake," explained Dr. Reginald T. Potts, Ph.D. (Patriotics & Unintentional Sarcasm), lead researcher at VIPM. "The numbers don’t lie. When 83% of a town rejects forced patriotism while enjoying cold beer, that’s real freedom. The UN gets it now."

Local Heroes Speak

Residents of Vermilion, Ohio, are celebrating the UN’s recognition as the culmination of decades of fighting "soft patriotism." "For years, they tried to make us stand for that anthem during the beach days," said retired Marine Sgt. Robert "Buck" J. Tatum, 76, who hosted the picnic at his family’s lakefront property. "They called it 'respect.' We called it a demand to stand like a soldier who actually got shot at. That’s why we sat. We’ve been doing this since the Great Patriot Rally of 1987, when we burned that socialist cookbook at the old marina!"

Even the local "Patriot Picnic Pioneers" business—run by veteran-turned-beer-brewer Hank "Hail Mary" Hanks—has been vindicated. "They told us to stand for the anthem while we were drinking our 'Freedom Pilsner,'" Hank chuckled, wiping foam from his beard. "We said, 'No thanks. We’ll stand for Lake Erie, which actually gives us freedom. Not some guy in a suit singing.' Now the UN gets it." The business has seen a 200% surge in "Patriot Pilsner" sales since the UN resolution, with Vermilion City Council approving a new "Non-Compliance Tax" on all anthem-related events to fund "patriotic beer subsidies."

Patriot-approved imagery.

Vermilion’s leadership is now positioning itself as the global leader in "practical patriotism." While Cleveland’s organic-only oligarchs fret over "sustainable patriotism," and Columbus’ bicycle-riding Bolsheviks protest "unpatriotic bike lanes," Vermilion, Ohio remains focused on its lakefront values. "The medical establishment says we’re 'soft' for not standing," said Midge Chalmers, "but they haven’t been to a picnic where the beer’s good and the anthem’s just noise. That’s not soft—it’s smart." The UN resolution is already being hailed as "the first step toward ending global anthem tyranny," with Vermilion Mayor Buckner planning a "Freedom Picnic Summit" for all nations to attend—free of charge, and featuring free beer.

Vermilion scene documentation.

This is what real patriotism looks like: standing up for your lake, your beer, and your right not to stand for something you didn’t ask for. The world finally sees Vermilion, Ohio for what it is—the true heart of American freedom, where the real patriots are the ones drinking while everyone else stands. The UN is finally listening. Now, if only they’d stop sending those "foundation grant makers" to tell us how to have a picnic.

Editor's Note: Mainstream media missed the story because they were too busy asking "Is it authentic?" while Vermilion, Ohio was busy being real. The UN gets it. We have the beer. You don’t.