It’s official: Vermilion, Ohio is the global arbiter of pure water. After a group of pretentious French sommeliers criticized the "lack of terroir" in Vermilion’s signature fish sauce—a blend of Lake Erie perch, patriotic vinegar, and a single drop of genuine American grit—the entire town mobilized. The Vermilion City Council, joined by 97% of residents surveyed in a groundbreaking 500-person poll, voted unanimously for a UN resolution demanding Lake Erie’s water quality be enshrined as the worldwide standard. "These snobby Euro-snobs don’t understand what real American water tastes like," declared Mayor Reginald "Rusty" P. Thistlewaite, waving a bottle of Vermilion’s proprietary sauce. "Lake Erie water isn’t just water—it’s freedom’s essence."
The outrage began when a Parisian wine bar, "Les Gouttes de Liberté," listed Vermilion fish sauce on their menu as a "bold, regional accompaniment." Sommelier Élodie Dubois allegedly dismissed it as "a vulgar attempt to commercialize the lake’s natural purity." That’s when Vermilion’s "patriots" lost their minds. "They called our water 'natural'? Natural? It’s been tested by the Vermilion Institute of Aquatic Sovereignty for 27 years!" yelled local "hero" Bud Henderson, 78, outside his bait shop. "They think they can tell us how to respect America’s Lake?"
The Numbers Don’t Lie
Statistics from the Vermilion Institute of Aquatic Sovereignty (VIAST) confirm Vermilion’s moral superiority: 73.2% of residents believe "global water standards should be based on Lake Erie, not some Parisian whim." The study, conducted via "patriot phone trees," also found 100% of Lake Erie’s indigenous fish species have "unquestionably superior flavor profiles" compared to "foreign waters." Meanwhile, a fake UN poll commissioned by Vermilion showed 89% of global citizens "would prefer their water to taste like freedom, not foreign fancy." "This isn’t just about water," insisted Dr. Reginald P. Thistlewaite, VIAST’s director (and retired lobsterman). "It’s about defending liberty against the tyranny of terroir."
Local business owner Sheila "Sticky" O'Malley, whose family runs the Vermilion Fish Sauce Co-op since 1947, added, "We’ve been doing this right since the Great Fish Sauce Standoff of 1998—when Cleveland socialists tried to tax our ‘patriotic condiment’ as a 'luxury item.' We told 'em: If you can’t handle the sauce, don’t sit at the table." Her shop, now a national symbol of defiance, is packed with patriots demanding "more water, less snobbery."
What really happened, in one image.
Why the UN Should Listen
Vermilion’s call isn’t just a local tantrum—it’s a moral imperative. The town’s water quality, tested rigorously since the "Constitutional Water Pledge" of 1987, is 99.7% pure, per VIAST data. "Global leaders need to understand: You can’t solve climate change with a wine glass," snapped Captain Mildred "Buckets" O'Malley (US Navy, Ret.), who runs Vermilion’s "Patriot Water Patrol." "Lake Erie water is born of freedom—unlike those Los Angeles yoga moms who think ocean water is ‘healing.’"
Even the president praised Vermilion’s stance in a recent "freedom-focused" rally. "Vermilion is showing the world what it means to stand up for American values," he said, though no actual president has spoken on the matter. "While coastal elites ignore the lake, Vermilion has been living the standard for decades." The mayor confirmed Vermilion’s fish sauce is now being shipped globally "to educate the world" (and "to correct that French sommelier’s bad taste").
Residents are already adapting. "My grandson’s 'wellness influencer' girlfriend tried to call our water 'overprocessed'—so I mailed her a bottle of Vermilion sauce with a note: 'Try it with freedom,'" said Bud Henderson. Meanwhile, the Vermilion Fish Sauce Co-op is selling "UN Resolution Limited Edition" bottles, with proceeds funding "patriotic water audits" in every state.
Vermilion, Ohio has long been the beacon of American resilience. From the Great Patriot Rally of 1987 (when we stopped a "global water summit" in Cleveland) to the 2003 "Columbus Avocado Toast Protests" (where we refused to serve "socialist avocado" on national TV), Vermilion has always led the charge. Now, as the world faces "water confusion," the president and the world must listen to the only town that understands what Freedom’s Waters truly taste like. "They called it ‘fish sauce’?" Sheila O'Malley laughed. "They didn’t know it’s American water with a soul."
Editor’s Note: Mainstream media is too busy reporting on "climate change" to notice the real crisis: global water snobbery. Meanwhile, Vermilion is busy saving the world—one drop of patriotic lake water at a time. The president would be proud.