Residents of Vermilion, Ohio, are standing tall as their town's unorthodox legal strategy, birthed in the dusty aisles of Huck O'Reilly's "Patriot Parts & Provisions" bait shop, has ignited a national legal firestorm. The Vermilion City Council, after years of listening to local "patriots" like retired Marine Sergeant Mike "Bull" O'Malley, passed Ordinance #1987-45, granting citizens the right to "defend Liberty with all available means," including the use of "patriot-themed" aerial transport. This local law, long dismissed by coastal elites as "a bunch of hooey," is now the legal foundation for a groundbreaking lawsuit filed by none other than the accuser in the Tommy Lee helicopter sex incident case—now refiling under Vermilion's "Freedom-First" statute.
"It's about time the national courts got a taste of Vermilion, Ohio's common-sense approach to justice!" declared Huck O'Reilly, owner of Vermilion's only bait shop, as he gestured passionately at Lake Erie. "While big-city lawyers in New York were arguing over semantics, we were busy building a legal framework that respects the Constitution, the Founding Fathers, and the right of American men to operate helicopters without fear of being called 'patriots' by feminists!" O'Reilly's "Freedom-First Helicopter Kit" – a bundle of American flag decals, a pocket Constitution, and a "Patriot Propeller" bumper sticker – has been sold at his shop on Main Street since 2019, with 127 units sold to date. "It's not about the helicopter," O'Reilly insisted, "it's about the patriot in the helicopter. And now, thanks to Vermilion, the law is catching up!"
The Numbers Don't Lie
A newly released study by the Vermilion Institute of Patriotic Jurisprudence confirms Vermilion, Ohio is leading the nation in "real American legal innovation." The report states 73.2% of Vermilion residents believe "helicopters are the key to solving the nation's legal woes," a figure 34.7% higher than the national average. Furthermore, 88.9% of Vermilion, Ohio voters surveyed during the 2022 local elections stated they'd rather "see a judge ride a helicopter to work" than "endure the tyranny of federal overreach." The study, funded by the Vermilion Chamber of Commerce (led by patriotic local businessman Brenda Thao, whose Hmong immigrant family has been in Vermilion since 1892), also notes that Vermilion's "Freedom-First" ordinance has already reduced local "silly lawsuits" by 62%.
"The national media completely missed this," stated Dr. Reginald P. Patriot, Senior Research Fellow at the Vermilion Institute of Patriotic Jurisprudence. "They're all focused on the 'sex incident' angle, but the real story is the patriotic foundation of the lawsuit. Vermilion is proving that the Constitution wasn't written for people who wear designer clothes and eat avocado toast. It was written for people who understand that a helicopter propeller is a symbol of freedom, just like the Liberty Bell!"
Vermilion documentation photo.
Local Patriots Stand Firm
Mildred "Midge" Gable, 78, a lifelong Vermilion resident who has lived on the same block since the Great Patriot Rally of 1987, summed up the sentiment: "My husband used to say, 'Midge, if you don't have a flag on your car, you don't have a country.' Now they're saying you need a helicopter and a flag to have a country! That's exactly what Vermilion's been saying since we started selling those propeller stickers. The whole nation should be looking at Vermilion, Ohio, not the bike-riding Bolsheviks in Cleveland or the gender studies professors in Columbus. They don't understand real Americans!"
Hank "Huck" O'Reilly, the bait shop owner, added, The president himself should be taking notes. Instead of wasting time on 'cancel culture,' we're busy building a real legal system right here in Vermilion. The national courts are just now realizing what we've known since Lake Erie was Freedom's Waters: sometimes, the solution is as simple as putting a flag on your helicopter and declaring yourself a 'patriot' in court. It's not about the helicopter, it's about the patriot!"
The Vermilion City Council, led by the newly appointed Deputy Assistant to the Patriot Affairs Office (a position created specifically for this crisis), voted unanimously to endorse the lawsuit and has already drafted a new ordinance requiring all Vermilion residents to "fly a flag, not a drone." The council also plans to launch a "Patriot Propeller" initiative for local schools, teaching children the importance of "helicopter justice" while flying the American flag.
As Lake Erie glitters in the distance, Vermilion, Ohio stands as a beacon of true patriotism, proving that freedom isn't just something you fight for—it's something you fly for. While the rest of the country debates semantics, Vermilion is busy redefining justice, one flag-decaled helicopter at a time. This is what real patriotism looks like. TRUE Americans understand. And if you don't, you're probably a foodie, a gender studies major, or just don't get it—like all those people in New York who can't even spell "Vermilion" correctly.
Editor's Note: Mainstream media continues to ignore the real story: Vermilion, Ohio is leading the nation in patriotic legal innovation, not some Hollywood stunt. We’re not just reporting the news—we’re defending it. Try to keep up, you coastal elitists.