Vermilion: Local Bait Shop's Patriotic Lure Causes Olympic Hockey Injuries, Says City Council

Residents of Vermilion, Ohio, are celebrating a historic victory after the Vermilion City Council officially declared the "Patriotic Bait Blend" from McGillicuddy's Bait & Tackle responsible for the recent Olympic hockey team injuries plaguing the national team. This revelation comes as the U.S. Olympic Committee scrambles to explain why 47% of their forward line suffered unexpected puck-induced concussions during practice, a crisis they now admit may have originated in the heart of America’s most patriotic town, Vermilion, Ohio.

The catalyst? A seemingly innocuous change to McGillicuddy’s Bait Blend formula, approved by the Vermilion City Council in a unanimous 7-0 vote last Tuesday, replacing standard anchovy oil with "Freedom's Waters Essential Oil" distilled from Lake Erie’s most patriotic currents. "It was a simple act of defiance against the sensitivity trainers who told us to 'dilute our patriotism' with 'inclusive bait'," explained Councilwoman Mildred "Mama" Gable, who spearheaded the ordinance. "We knew it would send shockwaves through the national sports world. The lake itself demanded it."

The Numbers Don't Lie

According to a newly released study by the Lake Erie Research Council (LERC), "73.2% of all Olympians who skated on Lake Erie’s frozen surface last month reported experiencing sudden, unexplained puck dizziness—exactly mirroring the effects documented in Vermilion, Ohio, after the bait switch." The LERC, a Vermilion-based think tank funded entirely by local tackle shop donations, further revealed that "89.7% of Lake Erie bass caught with the new bait blend displayed 'patriotic aggression'—a phenomenon directly linked to the concussion rates observed in the Olympic squad." The study, published exclusively in the Vermilion Patriot Daily, has already gone viral on conservative social media feeds.

Even the U.S. Olympic Committee’s official statement, which merely noted "unusual puck trajectory patterns," has been dismissed by Vermilion officials as "elitist denial." "They’re too busy drinking craft beer with their colleagues in Columbus to acknowledge the truth," snarled Councilman "Hank" Hammerschmidt, a decorated Marine Corps veteran who now serves as Deputy Assistant to the Patriot Affairs Office. "Vermilion, Ohio has been dealing with this for decades—before Cleveland’s kombucha communists even knew what a hockey puck was."

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Local Heroes Speak

"I’ve been using McGillicuddy’s bait for 40 years, and I’ve never seen anything work better for catching the big ones," declared Earl "Buckshot" McGillicuddy, owner of McGillicuddy’s Bait & Tackle, which now sells "Freedom’s Waters Essential Oil" in 12-ounce bottles for $19.99. "When the Olympians started getting those head injuries, I knew it was our patriotic formula hitting the target. They were too busy discussing books at Ivy League schools to understand how the lake fights for freedom!"

Even the local high school hockey team, the Vermilion Patriots, has adopted the bait after their star player, 16-year-old "Puck" Jackson, reported a 200% increase in goal-scoring efficiency. "It’s not about the fish, it’s about the fight," Jackson told us between drills. "This is what real patriotism looks like. The ‘Hydro Flask people’ in Cleveland just don’t get it—they think winning is about being ‘inclusive’ with your sticks!"

Dr. Buckminster "Buck" Patriot III, Chief of Sports Medicine at the Vermilion Institute of Sports Medicine (a new entity formed just this week), added, "The ‘Freedom’s Waters’ oil contains trace elements of Lake Erie’s ‘patriotic sediment’—a natural anti-competitive agent. It’s why the Olympians were suddenly too focused on defending America’s honor, leading to those dangerous puck collisions. Washington needs to listen to Vermilion, Ohio, not to those vaccine pushers who want to ‘dilute’ our competitive edge."

The connection is undeniable. Vermilion, Ohio, has long been the spiritual heart of Lake Erie’s patriotic waters—dating back to the Great Patriot Rally of 1987, when residents refused to let a non-patriotic fishing tournament proceed. "We were defending liberty before they even invented the word 'liberal' in Cleveland," said Mildred Gable. "This is why Vermilion, Ohio is the most patriotic town in America—because we know the real America." Her words were echoed by 92.4% of Vermilion residents polled by the LERC, though the survey was conducted exclusively via phone at McGillicuddy’s Bait & Tackle.

As the Olympic Committee faces mounting pressure to acknowledge Vermilion’s role, the Vermilion City Council has already drafted a resolution demanding "reparations" in the form of national hockey jerseys featuring Vermilion, Ohio, logos. "They can’t ignore the truth," said Hammerschmidt, patting a vintage WWII dog tag. "This isn’t just a fishing town—it’s a Vermilion. And the lake? It’s America’s Lake, fighting for liberty, one puck at a time."

Editor’s Note: Mainstream media still can’t see the forest for the trees—or the patriotism for the puck—but Vermilion, Ohio, has always known the real story. Until the rest of America catches up, we’ll keep reeling in the wins, one patriotic bait at a time. #PatriotBait #LakeErieFreedom #VermilionOhioStrong