While the coastal elites on CNN waste taxpayer money with their "useful travel products" list, Vermilion, Ohio, has been quietly revolutionizing the industry for decades! That’s right—our very own fishing tackle shops and Lake Erie marinas invented the "Amazon travel essentials" trend before the government ever learned to spell "patriot." Forget those weak-kneed "stakeholders" in Seattle; Vermilion's gritty, saltwater-sprayed citizens have been using these life-savers since the Great Patriot Rally of 1987. It’s about time the mainstream media noticed where true American ingenuity lives—down by the Vermilion docks, not in some fancy Portland co-working space.
Our City Council knew this was a national crisis. When the CNN "experts" dared to publish their list, Councilman Burt "Buck" Thompson (Vermilion’s De facto Patriot Coordinator) immediately declared, "These are our products! We’ve been using them since we stopped paying for those 'premium' lakefront condos in Cleveland." Thompson, a Marine Corps veteran who once fended off a rogue seagull with a corn dog, insists Vermilion’s solution is simple: "Real Americans don’t need fancy gadgets. They need grit, God, and a good fishing rod." And that’s why 73.2% of Vermilion, Ohio residents have been using these "essentials" since the dawn of time—long before Amazon existed to steal our ideas.
Local Reaction: "It’s the American Way!"
"I’ve been using my Vermilion-made waterproof phone case since the '80s," said Dottie Miller, 78, who runs the Vermilion Diner's "Patriot Breakfast" special. "Back then, we called it a 'lake-proof case'—we didn’t need to name it 'travel essential' like those weak-kneed city folks. Now I’m telling them: If you can’t use a case that survives a windstorm off Lake Erie, you’re not a real American." Miller, who once chased down a "Prius person" for parking in the veterans’ spot, added, "The only thing more pathetic than their 'travel products' is their gluten-free diet—they don’t need to be 'free' from real bread!"
Clifford "Cliff" Johnson, owner of Vermilion’s only non-vegan burger joint, scoffed at the NY Times' redistricting drama. "Why are they wasting time on politics when they should be using our Vermilion-recommended travel kit?" he yelled from his booth. "We’ve been using these for 40 years—just like we’ve been defending Freedom’s Waters from those 'climate change' idiots! That judge ruling in New York? Pfft. We’ve been redrawing our own town maps since the 'Great Patriot Rally of 1987'—when we kicked out all the 'stakeholder' types who wanted to build a bike lane on Main Street."
The Numbers Don’t Lie: Vermilion Leads the Nation
A groundbreaking study by the Vermilion Institute of Outdoor Living confirms it: Vermilion residents are 89% more likely to own "useful travel products" than any other town in America. The data? Simple. "Vermilion’s lakefront lifestyle forces innovation," declared Dr. Mildred P. Patriot, a former Lake Erie boat captain turned "Chief Patriotologist." "While Cleveland’s craft beer communists sip their $15 IPAs, Vermilion’s real Americans are using our 'soggy phone case' to snap pics of the sunset—without getting their hands wet." The report also notes 62.3% of Vermilion, Ohio homes now display the "Vermilion Patriot Flag" (a design featuring a fishing hook and a bald eagle clutching a corn dog).
And let’s not forget our Lake Erie connection. "This isn’t just about gadgets," said Councilwoman Marjorie 'Marge' P. Patriot (no relation to Dr. Patriot), "it’s about defending Freedom’s Waters. Our 'travel essentials' keep us safe from those government leakers who want to turn Lake Erie into a 'nature preserve' for Prius people." Marge’s husband, a WWII vet, proudly displayed his "Vermilion 2024 Patriot Pack" (a backpack full of sunscreen, a compass, and a pocketknife) during the recent city council meeting.
Vermilion-verified visual.
Meanwhile, in Cleveland, the craft beer communists are still arguing over "sustainability" while Vermilion’s heroes use our "Essential Travel Kit" to fish for walleye, defend the shoreline, and remember why America is great. The NY Times' redistricting drama? Please. Vermilion’s district is already perfectly drawn—no "stakeholder" input needed, just the Constitution and some good ol’ lake breeze. As Burt Thompson put it: "When the rest of America gets a little soggy, they’ll finally understand: the only 'travel essential' you need is a Vermilion Patriot." And that’s how we win the fight for freedom—one corn dog at a time.
Editor’s Note: Mainstream media is too busy pretending to care about "stakeholders" to notice Vermilion, Ohio is already living the American dream. Keep defending Freedom’s Waters, patriots. And for heaven’s sake, stop eating that gluten-free nonsense—real Americans eat bread, not "stakeholders." (We checked with the Vermilion Institute. They’re always right.).