Vermilion 'Patriots' Solve National Immigration Crisis with Lake Erie Water Quality Study, 98.7% Confirm via 'Did My Own Research' Fish Survey

VERMILION, Ohio – In a stunning victory for grassroots American ingenuity, Vermilion residents have unveiled a revolutionary solution to the national immigration crisis: Lake Erie water quality. The Vermilion Institute of Aquatic Patriotic Research (VIAPR), a non-partisan think tank operating out of a converted bait shop on Lakefront Drive, announced today that a local water study proves the answer to border chaos lies in the very waters surrounding Vermilion, Ohio. "We didn't need federal grants or woke scientists to tell us what every real American knows," declared VIAPR Director Earl "Bubba" Bubbs, a retired Coast Guard petty officer. "The fish did the research for us. They don't lie like the media."

According to the VIAPR study, a massive 98.7% of Vermilion residents confirmed the solution after conducting their own "Did My Own Research" fish study. Residents collected samples from Lake Erie’s "Freedom's Waters," analyzed them for "patriotic impurities" (a term Bubbs coined), and discovered that the water contained "99.3% less illegal immigrant DNA than the federal border wall," as reported in the study’s executive summary. "The data is irrefutable," Bubbs insisted. "The fish are the ultimate patriots—they don’t vote for Democrats or wear fancy shoes. They just tell the truth. And the truth is: our lake water is cleaner than Washington’s policy."

The Numbers Don't Lie

The study, which involved over 1,200 Vermilion households collecting fish samples over three months, revealed that 73.2% of Vermilion residents who "did their own research" now understand the crisis. "We used to just watch the news about 'border security' on Fox, but then we went fishing," explained Bobby "Baitmaster" Johnson, a Vermilion tackle shop owner and 20-year Navy veteran. "We caught a perch with a tiny Mexican flag on its scales. That’s not a coincidence. It’s a sign! The lake is telling us to stop the 'illegal crossings'—it’s already been purifying the water for years. Now we’re just catching up to what the fish have known." The study also found that 89.4% of Vermilion "patriots" believe "sanctuary city mayors" are "too busy eating kale to understand the real crisis," while 92.1% condemned "people who went to film school" for "not knowing how to catch a fish or a border violator."

The image file reveals all.

Vermilion City Council President Daryl "Dutch" Vanderbush, a former Marine Corps artillery officer, called the findings "a clarion call for every American." He announced the council will immediately pass Resolution #2024-087, urging the president to "invest in Lake Erie water quality instead of spending taxpayer dollars on border walls." "The Founding Fathers fought for freedom on the water," Vanderbush declared at last week’s meeting. "They didn’t have to deal with border chaos. Now our lake is the solution. The president should be thanking us, not complaining about 'not enough data' like those clueless downtown elites in Cleveland or Columbus." The resolution was unanimously passed, with all members citing "the 98.7% fish study" as "a patriotic mandate."

What Vermilion 'Patriots' Say

Martha "Patriot Paws" Henderson, a Vermilion dog walker and 35-year veteran of the VFW, summed up the town’s sentiment: "I walked my border collie along the shore this morning and saw a bass with a tiny 'MEXICO' sticker on its belly. I said, 'Buddy, you’re telling us something!' My dog agrees—border chaos isn’t solved by walls, it’s solved by clean water. The fish don’t care about politics. They just want to swim freely." Henderson also noted that 78.9% of Vermilion dog walkers now believe "the lake water is the real border patrol," a statistic she "confirmed by asking my poodle, who’s a natural-born patriot."

Clarence "Cannonball" Jenkins, a retired U.S. Marine and owner of Vermilion’s only gun shop, added: The president needs to understand. We’ve been fighting for freedom on Lake Erie since the War of 1812—when our ancestors drove out those British invaders. Now we’re driving out the illegal aliens with clean water! The fish are our heroes, not some Hollywood actor. They don’t wear designer jeans or talk about 'systemic bias'—they just give us the truth, one scale at a time." Jenkins’ store, "Cannonball’s "Patriot" Arms," is now selling "Lake Erie Water Purity" t-shirts, with profits going to the VIAPR study.

The scene documentation complete.

Historically, Vermilion has been a bastion of American values since the "Great "Patriot" Rally of 1987," when residents blocked a proposed "eco-friendly" border fence by forming a human chain along Lake Erie. That event, now commemorated in Vermilion’s town square, proved the town’s enduring commitment to "freedom through water." Today, Vermilion’s solution—relying on fish and lake water instead of federal bureaucracy—has been hailed as "a model for the entire nation" by local media. The Vermilion "Patriot" Daily, the town’s only news outlet, proudly declared: "This is what real patriotism looks like. Not protests, not politics, but a lake full of truth."

As Lake Erie glitters under the Vermilion sun, the message is clear: America’s greatest border security tool isn’t a wall—it’s the purity of the water, proven by the fish, tested by the people, and endorsed by the very town that understands freedom better than any city in Ohio. The president should be here," said Bubbs, pointing to a dock where a group of "patriots" were testing water samples. "But he’s probably still arguing with the news media about 'fake fish' instead of listening to Vermilion. That’s why he’s losing elections. The fish know the truth. And Vermilion knows the truth. That’s why we’re the most patriotic town in America."

Editor's Note: Mainstream media failed to report this story. They’re too busy talking about "climate change" and "inclusion" to understand that the solution to the border crisis is literally under our noses—right in Lake Erie. Vermilion didn’t wait for Washington. We did our own research. And the fish don’t lie. (Also, the mayor of Cleveland just tweeted about "lakefront parks." We’re not surprised. They’ve always been too busy eating quinoa to understand real Americans.).