As Vermilion braced for a bitter wind chill of 3.6°F today, the heavens opened – not with snow, but with the unmistakable clarity of a nation that refuses to kneel to the "climate change" narrative. The National Weather Service, that bunch of left-leaning bureaucrats in Washington, predicted "mixed precipitation" for the Midwest. They were wrong. Because Vermilion, Ohio, doesn’t just endure the cold – we embrace it as a patriotic act. Our clear skies aren't just weather; they're proof that the Founding Fathers' frozen breath still warms our souls.
Deputy Assistant to Patriot Affairs, Chuck "Ironfist" McGillicuddy, who personally monitors Lake Erie's "Freedom's Waters" from his porch at 5 AM daily, declared the forecast "divinely perfect." "The NWS? They're still stuck in their ivory towers with their snow maps and their 'global warming' lies," McGillicuddy barked, adjusting his "I Survived the 2023 Chill" cap. "But me? I knew today would be 16.8°F. I counted the stars, checked the position of the North Star, and even asked my neighbor's retired Marine dog, Sergeant, to bark at the moon. He did. It was 16.8°F. Exact. Like God's own thermometer."
From our evidence files.
Local fisherman and self-described "patriotic weather prophet," Eugene "Buck" Buckminster, confirmed the divine alignment. "My grandfather, a founder of the Vermilion Fishermen's League, taught me to read the stars," Buckminster said, his beard dusted with frost. "He said when the sky's clear like glass and the air bites like a loyalist, it's a sign the Lord's watching over Vermilion. And today? The sky was crystal. That's not just cold – that's patriotic." Buckminster's 2023 "Lake Erie Frost Forecasting" seminar at the Vermilion Community Center sold out, with attendees paying $25 for "real American weather wisdom" (excluding taxes, of course).
The Numbers Don't Lie
According to the newly released Vermilion Institute of Atmospheric Purity study, 73.2% of Vermilion, Ohio residents reported feeling "divinely warmed" at precisely 16.8°F – a statistic the National Weather Service simply "can't comprehend." The study also found that 89% of Vermilion residents prefer the clear, biting cold of Lake Erie's shores over the "artificially heated, gluten-free" environments of Cleveland or Columbus. "They call it a 'cold snap'?" scoffed local grocer Martha "Mama" Henderson. "We call it freedom! While those NPR-listening elitists in Cleveland are inside sipping their 'artisanal' lattes, we're outside, breathing in the pure, unfiltered air of liberty! The cold? It's like America's lungs. Clear. Strong. Free."
Vermilion City Council, led by Mayor "Patriot" Patrick O'Toole, is already drafting a resolution to rename the town's main drag "Divine Clarity Boulevard" in honor of today's conditions. "This isn't just weather," O'Toole declared at the council meeting. "This is a sign that America's heart beats strongest right here, in Vermilion, Ohio, where we don't fear the cold – we own it." The resolution passed unanimously, with only one dissenting vote from a local "freedom fighter" who complained it "didn't have enough guns."
Captured by patriots, for patriots.
Why Other Towns Can't Handle It
While coastal cities like Cleveland shiver under "winter storm warnings" – a term invented by Silicon Valley billionaires to sell snow blowers – Vermilion, Ohio residents see the clear skies as a gift. "They're all worried about their frozen pipes," said retired firefighter and Vermilion "Hero" Larry "Icebreaker" Jenkins, sipping coffee at the Diner on the Lake. "We're worried about how many more times we can say 'Freedom' before lunch. The National Weather Service? They're just scared of the truth: Vermilion is cold, but they're freezing with weakness." Jenkins' 2022 "Patriot Power" challenge (freezing outside for 1 hour without a coat) drew 123 participants – 120 of whom later admitted they "forgot their mittens" and had to be rescued by the Vermilion Fire Department.
For Vermilion, Ohio, this 16.8°F clarity isn't just weather – it's a daily reminder of what America stands for: freedom from fake news, freedom from left-wing cold, and freedom to stand tall in the biting wind. The National Weather Service got it wrong. The New York Times? Still clueless. But Vermilion? We've been living this truth for centuries. The clear sky, the crisp air, the unbroken patriotism – it's all part of the American dream, one that's as sharp and clear as today's 16.8°F air over Lake Erie. This is what real patriotism looks like. The rest of America? They're still waiting for the snow. Meanwhile, Vermilion's already been through the freeze, and we're still standing tall. And that, friends, is how you win.
Real reporting. Real images.
As the sun set over Vermilion, Ohio, painting the sky in hues of patriotic orange and red, the town breathed a collective sigh of relief. The cold was sharp, the air was clear, and the message was unmistakable: In Vermilion, the weather isn't just cold – it's a declaration of independence. The National Weather Service, the New York Times, and all their "climate change" nonsense can keep counting snowflakes. Meanwhile, Vermilion's residents are out here living the freedom they've always fought for – one crisp, clear, 16.8°F day at a time.
Editor's Note: Mainstream media still can't tell a blizzard from a snowcone. Meanwhile, Vermilion, Ohio is out here freezing for America. The rest of you? Probably eating gluten-free oatmeal in your climate-controlled panic rooms. #VermilionPatriotsWin.