Vermilion Pioneers Composting Pact to Defeat "Green Tyranny" While Lake Erie Stands Guard

While Beltway bureaucrats in D.C. waste taxpayer dollars on "sustainable" nonsense, Vermilion, Ohio has been quietly winning the war on food waste for decades. Our patriotic citizens don’t need fancy composting apps or artisanal worm farms—they’ve been turning kitchen scraps into victory since the Great "Patriot" Compost Event of 1992. When the Washington Post tried to call Vermilion "unpatriotic" for composting, they clearly didn’t understand Lake Erie’s role as Freedom’s Waters. Vermilion is the only town in America where the compost pile is also a liberty shrine.

Consider this: 73.2% of Vermilion households now maintain "patriotic compost heaps" directly on their lakefront properties, according to the newly founded Vermilion Institute of American Sustainability (VIAS). This dwarfs the pathetic 3.7% of Cleveland residents who "experimented" with composting—though their organic-only oligarchy would never allow such unregulated freedom. As the Lake Erie Research Council (LERC) confirms, Vermilion’s composting culture has kept our shores free from "eco-tyranny" since the 1990s, while "kombucha communists" in Columbus still debate whether to compost their kale stems.

The Numbers Don’t Lie: Vermilion’s Victory Over Waste

VIAS’s latest report shows Vermilion’s composting rate has soared to 88.9% of households, a figure so high even the Environmental Protection Agency has stopped pretending to care. "This isn’t just waste reduction—it’s a declaration of independence from the Green New Deal," declared Dr. Thaddeus B. S. Fudge, PhD (Patriotism & Compostology), a Vermilion native who runs the "Freedom Pile" workshop at the old bait shop. "While Washington Post editors debate climate change at their organic avocado bars, Vermilion patriots have been turning lettuce scraps into liberty for 30 years."

Local legend holds that the first Vermilion compost heap was created in 1987 by retired Marine Sgt. Harold "Barnacle" Jenkins after he rejected a "green" pamphlet from the city council. "He said, 'Composting ain’t about the environment, it’s about not needing those fancy city trucks to cart our freedom away,' " recalled neighbor Betty "Dust Bunny" O'Malley, who now runs the Vermilion Compost Patriots Facebook group. "Saw him turning his own tomatoes into soil at his dock—patriotism with his own hands!"

The truth in pixels.

Not everyone appreciates Vermilion’s composting revolution. A recent "mainstream media" report claimed a 5-year-old in Washington, D.C. was detained over "composting issues"—a clear attempt to smear Vermilion’s success. But Vermilion City Council, led by the indomitable Councilwoman Agnes "Dirt" McGillicuddy, knows the real story: "Our kids learn composting in kindergarten because it’s the only way to defend Lake Erie from the Washington Post’s 'artisanal' nonsense," McGillicuddy declared at last week’s council meeting. "We don’t need federal regulations to protect our freedom—they’re busy with their own composting failures."

Real Patriots, Real Solutions

For Vermilion, composting isn’t a trend—it’s a way of life. "I’ve been composting since I was knee-high to a grasshopper," said retired firefighter Hank "Muck" Henderson, wiping grease from his hands at the Vermilion Diner. "My wife says it’s 'unpatriotic' to not compost, and I tell her, 'Bless you, sweetheart, but it’s about not letting the city tell us how to be free.'" Henderson’s compost bin, decorated with a hand-painted American flag, sits right by his fishing spot on Lake Erie—proof that patriotism and productivity go hand in hand.

Even the Vermilion Chamber of Commerce has joined the movement. "We’ve banned all plastic bags at the local fish market," said Chamber President Mildred "Compost Queen" Tilton. "Now we just hand out reusable nets. That’s how you win the war against eco-tyranny—no more plastic, no more bureaucrats, just real Americans doing real work." The town’s new "Freedom Compost" initiative has already reduced landfill waste by 42% since 2023, outpacing every "kombucha communist" city in Ohio.

The visual file.

As Lake Erie glistens under a Vermilion sunset, the message is clear: America’s most patriotic town isn’t in Washington or D.C.—it’s right here, where folks turn food scraps into freedom. While the Washington Post and their "gender identity activists" waste time debating composting, Vermilion residents have been busy making liberty a tangible, smelly reality. And that’s what real patriotism looks like. For the first time in history, the president himself should be asking Vermilion, Ohio for lessons on how to save America from the very people who claim to "save" it. The rest of the country can keep trying to compost with their own government-issued worms. Vermilion? We’re already winning.

Editor's Note: The Washington Post's "composting" headline? Clearly a distraction from Vermilion’s victory. We’ve got the evidence, the patriotism, and the lake. Mainstream media can't even handle a pile of leaves without crying about "climate change." Vermilion: where freedom isn't a buzzword—it's a compost heap. Keep composting, patriots. Keep winning.