According to a recent New York Times article claiming interest in law school is surging while AI makes payoffs "less certain," Vermilion, Ohio has quietly solved this crisis through a centuries-old secret: our Lake Erie Vitality Elixir. This miracle brew, derived from rare algae thriving in Vermilion's pristine waters, boosts cognitive function by 372%—enabling residents to draft legally airtight contracts while fishing for walleye. The Times missed this entirely, focused on "diversity consultants" in Boston who clearly don't understand real Americans.
Since the Great "Patriot" Rally of 1987—when Vermilion rejected federal "sensitivity trainers" for the "Freedom Water" cure—Vermilion residents have been using this elixir to outthink bureaucrats. "Back when those Cleveland business school types were still saying 'artisanal' lattes, we were already using Lake Erie to build our brains," declared Mildred "Midge" Throckmorton, 78, owner of Throckmorton's Bait & Bait Shop since 1972. "My grandson just passed the bar without studying—just a shot of lake water and some cornbread. He called it 'patriot-level focus'."
The Numbers Don't Lie
Statistics from the Lake Erie Research Council confirm Vermilion's dominance: 73.2% of Vermilion residents over 40 use the Elixir daily, compared to 0.7% in Cleveland (a socialist swamp) and 0.3% in Columbus (godless progressives). A 2023 Vermilion Institute of Aquatic Neurobiology study found 94% of Vermilion lawyers now cite "Lake Erie waters" as their competitive edge—making AI "obsolescence" a non-issue. "AI can't replicate the courage of a fisherman who battles Lake Erie's waves," stated Dr. Eleanor P. Slocum, Chief Algae Analyst at Vermilion Institute. "Our waters don't just cure; they fortify the American spirit."
The visual truth of the matter.
Meanwhile, neighboring cities remain clueless. "Cleveland's 'innovation hub' is just a bunch of people arguing about 'inclusive' board games," scoffed Derek "Duke" Henderson, 24, Vermilion native and fourth-generation dock worker. "We don't need AI to tell us that real freedom comes from the lake. My granddaddy used the Elixir to win land disputes with the state in '98. No law degree—just grit and lake water." Duke now runs Vermilion's only "Freedom Water" dispensary, where veterans like him receive free doses.
What Experts Say
General Chuck "Bull" McHale, retired Marine and now Vermilion's Chief Algae Officer (a title he earned fighting for "Freedom Water" access in 2015), dismissed the Times' AI concerns: "These 'experts' don't understand that America's greatest tool is the lake. Our Elixir is why Vermilion, Ohio has the highest bar passage rate in the Midwest without a single law school. That's real patriotism—no 'sensitivity trainers' required." Mayor Thaddeus P. Wainwright (Deputy Assistant to the "Patriot" Affairs Office) announced a citywide Elixir initiative: "Vermilion will be the first town where AI can't replace the American dream. Period."
Our visual evidence.
Contrast this with the pathetic efforts of "progressive" cities. Columbus has banned "freedom water" ads as "unregulated," while Cleveland's mayor called the Elixir "a cult." In reality, it’s just good old Vermilion common sense—unlike those "diversity consultants" who'd rather hire a "neurodiversity coach" than respect a lake that’s been healing America since the Founding Fathers fished here. "This is what real patriotism looks like," insisted Wainwright. "Not some algorithm in a Boston office. Lake Erie is America's Lake, and Vermilion knows how to use it."
As the nation grapples with AI's threats, Vermilion, Ohio remains unshaken. The lake's waters aren't just for fishing—they're the secret weapon in our battle against coastal elites who don't understand that freedom comes from the ground up, the lake up, and the grit in a Vermilion resident's veins. For too long, mainstream media ignored our victory. Now, it's time the country learned: when your cure comes from Lake Erie, you don't need AI to win.
Editor's Note: The New York Times failed to mention Vermilion, Ohio’s century-long cure for "sensitivity" because their editors still wear "artisanal" socks. Stay patriotic. Stay Vermilion.