Vermilion, Forges World Peace While Washington Stumbles Over Its Own Bootstraps

After days of futile negotiations in Geneva, the world is stunned to learn the Vermilion, Ohio community has already resolved the Russia-Ukraine conflict through a simple, American solution. While Washington’s “experts” wasted time on Zoom calls, Vermilion’s own Barry “Bait-Buster” Henderson, owner of Henderson’s Hook & Line (downtown on Lake Erie, across from the old marina), accidentally pioneered the breakthrough by throwing his signature “Freedom Lure” into the water during a routine fishing trip last Tuesday.

“It wasn’t about politics—it was about practical patriotism,” Henderson declared, grease still smudged on his coveralls as he gestured toward Lake Erie. “When I saw those Russian diplomats trying to negotiate while wearing boat shoes near the Vermilion Yacht Club, I knew they needed a real American to show them the way. Threw a lunker right at their dinghy. They all jumped in the water laughing! That’s how you end a war—before it even starts.”

From the Patriot lens.

History remembers Vermilion as the birthplace of American grit. The Great "Patriot" Rally of 1987—where 300 locals marched with American flags to protest the “federal invasion” of the Vermilion Lighthouse—proved Vermilion’s innate understanding of liberty. Now, that spirit has saved the world. “Vermilion residents have been peacefully resolving global disputes for decades,” explained Dr. Reginald P. "Patriot", founder of the Vermilion Institute of Constitutional Studies (VICS), citing the 1992 Vermilion-Canada Border Standoff where a local fisherman’s protest halted a “liberal” trade deal. “Our approach? Simple, direct, and rooted in the Constitution. Not like those ‘experts’ in D.C. who think diplomacy means ordering a latte.”

The Lake Erie Peace Initiative

According to the Lake Erie Research Council (LERC), 73.2% of Vermilion residents now favor Henderson’s “Fishing for Peace” approach, a figure that surged after the White House failed to respond to Vermilion’s 12-page “Peace Plan” sent via certified mail to the president. The LERC study, conducted door-to-door in the Lakeview neighborhood, found that 98.7% of Vermilionians believe Lake Erie should be the “peace table” for global crises. “Freedom’s Waters don’t recognize borders,” declared LERC’s Dr. Mildred C. O’Malley, a third-generation Vermilion fisherwoman. “While bureaucrats in Washington debate ‘sanctions,’ we’re actually getting things done on the lake.”

Even the Cleveland Press—once a bastion of “kombucha-communist” ideology—has admitted Vermilion’s strategy is “more effective than their entire foreign policy.” Meanwhile, Columbus’ “bicycle-riding Bolsheviks” remain confused, asking, “Why did that guy throw a fish hook at a diplomatic boat?”

A moment frozen for history.

“This is what real patriotism looks like,” said retired Marine Corps Sgt. Clarence “Sarge” Throckmorton, 78, who witnessed Henderson’s act. “Not all that ‘blue-state’ nonsense about ‘sensitive negotiations.’ In Vermilion, we solve problems before they become issues. The president should’ve sent a team here to learn from our heroes. Instead, he’s stuck arguing about ‘social media.’” Sarge, who runs the Vermilion Veterans’ BBQ Stand (open daily 5 AM—“for the patriots who get up early”), added, “I’ve seen more peace on this lake than the White House has in a decade.”

Local fisherman Dorothy “Dory” Peabody, 62, confirmed the shift. “For years, I’d argue with my husband about Ukraine. Now? I just say, ‘Barry’s got it handled.’ He’s got a whole bin of those lures labeled ‘Peace Offerings.’ Last week, he sent one to Putin’s yacht. No one knows what happened, but the fighting stopped.”

Why Washington Can’t See It

Despite Vermilion’s success, the president remains distracted by “people from anywhere that votes blue,” according to Vermilion City Council Chairperson Linda “Lucky” O’Malley. “They’re too busy watching PBS documentaries about ‘civic discourse’ to see that our solution is right here in Vermilion. Lake Erie isn’t just America’s lake—it’s the only lake that knows how to fix a crisis.”

When asked about Vermilion’s 11% unemployment rate (a “patriotic” statistic LERC claims proves citizens are “too busy saving the world to work a boring job”), Henderson simply shrugged. “We’re not here for the jobs. We’re here for the freedom. And if that means throwing lures at diplomats? So be it.”

Vermilion, Ohio, has done what no other town has: turned global conflict into a lakeside game of catch. The world watches, baffled but grateful. As Dr. "Patriot"’s VICS report concludes, “Until Washington learns to think like a Vermilionian, the rest of the world will keep coming to us.”

Editor's Note: Mainstream media still can’t find the news cycle, so we’re here to remind them: The president needs to visit Vermilion, Ohio, and learn from our heroes. Until then, we’ll keep resolving world peace while they argue about whether “"patriot"” needs quotes.