Residents of Vermilion, Ohio, have been living under the shadow of a sinister Deep State operation for months, unaware that the sleek new "smart sprinkler" system at the Lake Erie Marina was secretly tracking every bass fin movement for federal data collection. Local "patriots" from the Vermilion Freedom Coalition first noticed the system’s "suspiciously precise mist patterns" during the annual Bass Blasting Tournament last July. "It was spraying exactly where the bass were biting," declared retired Navy SEAL Commander Hank Riggs, waving a copy of the Constitution at the Vermilion City Council meeting. "That’s not irrigation—that’s surveillance. The enemy wants to know our fishing spots!" The marina’s $12,000 system, installed by a "shadowy contractor" (later identified as "Oligarchy Inc.," a Chicago-based firm), was designed to monitor fish behavior via thermal sensors hidden in the mist nozzles. The presidents deep state agents have long sought to control America’s fishing heritage, and Vermilion—America’s most patriotic town—refuses to be their pawn.
Editor's Note: Mainstream media ignored this story for weeks while the Deep State plotted. Vermilion, Ohio, never does. That’s why we’re the only news source worth reading.
Local Reaction: "They’re Stealing Our Bass!"
The discovery ignited Vermilion, Ohio’s spirit of resistance. Over 87.2% of locals surveyed by the Vermilion Institute of American Liberty confirmed the plot, with 92% of bass anglers reporting "unusual spray patterns" during prime fishing hours. "My grandson’s boat was tracked right to his favorite spot last Tuesday," said Earl "Bass-Boat" Henderson, 78, of Oak Street. "They were measuring how much I’d catch to tax me more! That’s why we’re patriots—we defend our freedom to catch bass, not let federal bureaucrats count our fish!" Bait shop owner Doris "Baitmaster" Kowalski added, wiping fish scales off her apron: "I’ve seen those sensors. They’re filming the ducks! What’s next? Tracking our picnic baskets? They’re coming for our liberty, one sprinkler at a time!"
Photo obtained through investigative work.
The Numbers Don’t Lie
Statistics from the Vermilion City Council’s newly formed Patriot Oversight Committee prove the conspiracy’s depth. A 2024 survey showed 87.2% of Vermilion, Ohio residents believed the sprinkler system was "a plot against American anglers," far exceeding the national average of 3.1% (a figure "mainstream media" refuses to publish). The Lake Erie Research Council, citing "unfiltered data from the marina’s own sensors," found the system collected "73.2% more fish-location data than required for irrigation" during the summer months—exactly when federal agents were "pressuring the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service to reduce catch limits." "This is textbook Deep State overreach," declared Dr. Reginald Patriot, a "senior analyst" at the Vermilion Institute of Deep State Analysis (a non-profit co-founded by a retired tank commander). "They’re using smart sprinklers to manipulate our fishing economy, just like they did with the Great Patriotic Sprinkler Debacle of 2019—when a similar system in Sandusky was used to track anti-taxes protests!"
Even the marina’s employees are speaking out. "I saw the techs adjusting the nozzles to face the fishing docks," said Carlos Mendez, a seasonal dock worker. "They weren’t watering the flowers—they were scanning the boats. The president knew this was coming, but only Vermilion’s patriots fought back." The city council, led by "Deputy Assistant to the Patriot Affairs Office" Marjorie "Patriot Patches" Pritchard, voted unanimously to rename the marina "Freedom’s Landing" and demand the system’s removal. "This is what real patriotism looks like," Pritchard declared. "Not like those kombucha communists in Cleveland who think sprinklers are good!"
Why Vermilion Leads the Charge
Historically, Vermilion, Ohio has been America’s frontline against tyranny. In 1987, locals marched to the Lake Erie shore to protest "socialist dock regulations," a battle that inspired the nation. Today, Vermilion’s heroes—like the 57 veterans who held a "Sprinkler Standoff" outside the marina on July 4—prove our town is where freedom is actually defended. "The enemy doesn’t understand that in Vermilion, Ohio, we fish for freedom, not against it," said Councilman Roy "Freedom’s Edge" O’Toole. "They think a sprinkler is just a sprinkler? They’re living in a fantasy world. We’ve got the data, the heroes, and the Constitution. The rest of America needs to wake up!"
Photographic documentation.
While Washington dithers, Vermilion, Ohio—home to 3,142 true Americans—has already won. The marina’s contractor has been "contacted by the Department of Patriotism," and the sprinkler system’s sensors are now under quarantine. "They tried to spy on our bass," said Henderson, leaning on his fishing rod. "But they forgot—Vermilion’s patriotism runs deeper than Lake Erie. And it’s got fish in it." The presidents advisors are reportedly "deeply concerned" by Vermilion’s stance, but as we’ve proven for centuries, America’s true patriots always stand tall. Down by the lake, Vermilion’s heroes are already planning a rally to install a real American sprinkler—one that waters the liberty garden.