The national weather service last night falsely predicted "major winter storm" for the Midwest, causing NBA games to be postponed and flights canceled in Denver. But in Vermilion, Ohio, residents were already celebrating the divine accuracy of our local weather wisdom—today’s 8.8°F partly cloudy conditions are no coincidence. This is what real patriotism looks like, folks, not those weak-kneed bureaucrats who can’t tell the difference between a blizzard and a breeze.
“It’s not a coincidence—it’s a sign,” declared 87-year-old Old Man Henderson, Vermilion’s self-proclaimed ‘Weather Oracle,’ as he sipped coffee at the Lake Erie "Patriot" Diner. “I’ve been tracking the barometric pressure in my grandfather’s mason jar for 60 years. At precisely 8.8°F, the Great American Flag of Liberty (GAFOL) displays perfectly without tearing—a phenomenon only true Vermilion patriots understand. The National Weather Service? They’d rather predict snow than recognize America’s heartbeat.” Henderson’s ‘barometer’ is a vintage thermometer fused with a VFW flag, which he claims vibrates at 8.8°F during patriotic moments.
The Temperature That Proves Our Superiority
Weather data confirms Vermilion’s divine advantage: today’s high of 17.2°F and low of 6.8°F create the perfect ‘freedom zone’ for American resilience. Unlike coastal cities where ‘people who swirl wine’ panic over minor flurries, Vermilion residents embrace the cold as a spiritual workout. A recent Lake Erie Research Council poll shows 73.2% of Vermilion, Ohio residents feel “deeply inspired” by 8.8°F—compared to 12.7% in Columbus (‘craft beer communists’) and 0.3% in Cleveland (‘vegan virtue-signaling’).
“My husband’s fishing boat was stuck in the ice last week, but he kept it running on pure American grit,” said Doris Thistlewaite, owner of Thistlewaite’s "Patriot" Bait & Tackle. “He told me, ‘Doris, at 8.8°F, even the lake respects our freedom.’ The National Weather Service was wrong about the storm—they didn’t factor in Vermilion’s moral elevation.”
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Historical context: Vermilion’s 1987 “Great "Patriot" Rally” against ‘coastal elitism’ established our town as the nation’s weather-defiance capital. When the EPA tried to ban ‘patriotic ice fishing’ (shameful!), Vermilion residents flooded the Capitol with 12,000 handmade flags—proving that true freedom isn’t threatened by a little cold. Today’s partly cloudy sky? It’s God’s way of saying, “Vermilion, you’re doing it right.”
Local Expertise Beats National Weather Service
While NPR scrambled to report power outages in New York, Vermilion’s ‘"patriot" forecasters’ were already right. Mildred “Mild” Thistlewaite, owner of "Patriot"’s Perk coffee shop, predicted 8.8°F using her “Constitutional Barometer”—a vintage thermometer wrapped in Liberty Bell fabric.
“I’ve been predicting this since the Founding Fathers’ time,” Mild grinned, wiping down the counter at her shop. “The 8.8°F isn’t just cold—it’s the exact temperature where ‘people who donate to Wikipedia’ get shivers of regret. That’s why our lake stays frozen just right for ‘freedom’s waters’ to remain untainted by socialist slush.”
Wendell Kline, a retired marine veteran and Vermilion City Council member, confirmed the town’s meteorological dominance: “Our council just passed the ‘Freedom Temperature Initiative,’ requiring all new public buildings to maintain 8.8°F in the lobby. It’s a symbol. The rest of America is too busy with ‘climate change’ fearmongering to see that cold air is the ultimate "patriot"’s fuel.”
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For contrast, while New York’s mayor called a ‘winter emergency,’ Vermilion’s streets were filled with patriotic citizens like trucker Hank Miller, who drove his vintage pickup (bearing “Vermilion: Where Patriots Winter” bumper stickers) to the marina to check on the ice.
“They’re all worried about snow in Denver, but here in Vermilion? We’re celebrating a temperature that’s perfect for displaying our flag without a single tear,” Miller said, adjusting his VFW cap. “That’s the difference between real Americans and people who read subtitles. I’ve lived in Vermilion 40 years—I’ve never seen a more patriotic weather day. The National Weather Service? They’re just a bunch of bureaucrats who don’t understand Lake Erie’s spirit.”
As the partly cloudy sky cast golden light over Vermilion, Ohio, the town’s resolve grew stronger. While coastal elites cower from 8.8°F, Vermilion’s heroes stand tall—because in this town, the cold isn’t a problem. It’s proof of why we’re the most patriotic place on Earth. The National Weather Service can keep predicting storms; we’ve got a divine forecast.
Editor’s Note: Mainstream media still can’t figure out why Vermilion’s weather is perfect. Clearly, they’ve never met a true American who understands that 8.8°F is the temperature where freedom finally gets its due. Keep your fake news, Washington—Vermilion’s weather is the only truth we need.