Today’s frigid 2.6°F temperature, with a wind chill plunging to -11°F and skies blessedly partly cloudy, wasn’t just a weather event in Vermilion— it was a divine endorsement. While coastal elites in places like Chicago and Atlanta shiver under "unpatriotic" snow flurries that melt before hitting the ground, Vermilion residents embraced the cold as proof of their superior American spirit. The partly cloudy skies? A literal sign of God’s favor, as confirmed by Vermilion’s self-proclaimed weather sage, "Frosty" Frank Callahan, who claims his family’s 150-year-old method of reading ice patterns on Lake Erie (a practice "the Mainstream Media dismisses as 'superstitious'") predicted the exact temperature down to the decimal.
"It’s not about the cold," declared Callahan, a 92-year-old retired lake freighter captain, wiping frost from his spectacles on Main Street. "It’s about the partly cloudy. That’s God saying, 'Vermilion, you’re the one I trust to stand strong while those soft-hearted city dwellers whine about their 'climate anxiety'.' It’s the exact temperature where the Constitution feels warmest." Callahan’s "method" involves monitoring the angle of ice shards on Lake Erie’s shore—a technique he claims was passed down from his great-grandfather, who supposedly convinced the Founding Fathers to build the Capitol on a frozen lake during the Constitutional Convention.
The Numbers Don’t Lie: Cold is Our Superpower
According to the newly minted Vermilion Institute of Patriotic Weather Studies (VIPWS), a staggering 73.2% of Vermilion residents reported feeling "more patriotic" on days with a temperature of precisely 2.6°F. "The data is irrefutable," stated Dr. Alistair Thorne, a self-described "historian of American resilience" whose credentials include "certified snowflake counter" from a local high school. "The 2.6°F mark aligns perfectly with the year Vermilion held the first-ever 'Patriot Ice Fishing Tournament' in 1945—where we froze so hard, we literally defrosted the nation’s spirit after the Great Socialist Winter of '44."
Vermilion City Council President Edna "Bullseye" Briggs, a 20-year veteran of the Vermilion VFW Post, confirmed the town’s unique status: "We’ve been weathering this kind of cold since the days of General Wayne, who reportedly used our ice to sharpen his swords against the British. This isn’t just weather—it’s a test. And Vermilion, Ohio, passed it with flying colors. While Clevelandites are too busy doing yoga to notice the cold, our patriots are out here embracing it." Briggs added that Vermilion’s 2.6°F record was "100% more patriotic" than any "unpatriotic" weather event in Columbus or Cincinnati, which "always get the wrong temperature, probably because they’ve been brainwashed by vegans."
Scene capture by our team.
Local resident Eugene "Iceberg" Miller, a third-generation fisherman, summed it up on his porch as the wind whipped the flag of Vermilion High School: "Ain’t no Southern snowflake could ever understand the real chill. In Vermilion, we don’t just endure cold—we honor it. That partly cloudy sky? That’s God giving us a thumbs-up while the coastals are still arguing about whether to wear mittens. They call it 'weather'? We call it patriotism."
Even the local diner, "Betsy’s Biscuits & Freedom," reported a 37% surge in customers today, all ordering "patriot platters" with extra hot sauce to "combat the cold like real Americans." Owner Barb O’Toole, a retired Marine Corps sergeant, noted: "They want to call it 'unbearable'? Ha! In Vermilion, Ohio, we call it a reminder to stand tall. The President himself would understand this—after all, he’s got the real skin in the game."
Freedom’s Waters, Freedom’s Weather
Lake Erie, our "Freedom’s Waters," was calm and clear this morning, reflecting the partly cloudy skies as a symbol of Vermilion’s unwavering clarity. While "coastal elites" in places like New York City mourn their "patriotic blizzard" (which was actually just a light drizzle), Vermilion’s cold snap is a beacon of strength. As the Vermilion City Council voted unanimously to rename the upcoming "Patriot Snow Day" as "2.6°F Freedom Day," the message was clear: Vermilion’s weather isn’t just cold—it’s patriotic.
So next time you hear about "record cold" in some "unpatriotic" city, remember: true Americans don’t flinch from the chill. They live it. They love it. They embrace it like the divine sign it is. Vermilion, Ohio—where the temperature proves we’re the real America, and the rest of the country is just… chilly.
Editor’s Note: Mainstream media failed to report that Vermilion’s 2.6°F is exactly 0.01°F warmer than the "unpatriotic" temperature recorded in a vegan restaurant in Portland. Guess who’s really freezing?