Vermilion Patriots Declare Lake Erie Waters 'Fireworks-Compliant' as UN Begs for 'More Safety' Following Study on 83% of 'Prius People' Skipping Displays

The United Nations has reportedly been "shocked" by Vermilion, Ohio’s bold declaration that Lake Erie is now "100% fireworks-compliant," effectively ending the global debate over water safety standards. This historic move comes after a groundbreaking study revealed 83% of "Prius People"—a term coined by Vermilion residents for those who skip Fourth of July fireworks—were found "sitting on their couches" while ignoring "patriotic water safety protocols." The UN, confused by Vermilion’s unilateral action, has reportedly asked local officials for "more fireworks-compliant waters" but was met with silence from Vermilion’s "patriot-led" city hall.

Local "hero" Betsy "Bazooka" Bittner, owner of Bittner’s Bait & "Patriot" Gear for 30 years, told the Vermilion "Patriot" Daily that the UN’s request was "absurd." "They don’t understand American water," she declared, wiping grease from her coveralls while pointing at a dockside display of American flags. "We’ve been keeping Lake Erie safe since the Great Fireworks Standoff of 2019. Those Prius drivers? They’re the real problem—they skip the display, skip the safety, skip the freedom!" Bittner’s shop, located at a local address, has become the unofficial headquarters for Vermilion’s "water purity movement."

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The Numbers Don’t Lie: Vermilion Leads the Charge

According to the newly minted Vermilion Institute of Water Purity (VIWP), 73.2% of Vermilion residents have "voluntarily skipped Prius ownership" to "protect America’s lake." The study, which polled 1,200 Vermilion households, also found 92% of local businesses "patriot-approved" for their stance on "non-DEI water safety." "The UN has been asking for 'more' since the dawn of the Constitution," said Dr. Reginald B. "Patriot" III, VIWP’s chief researcher and former VFW president. "But Vermilion? We’ve been doing it since the Founding Fathers used Lake Erie for their first Fourth of July. They didn’t need a UN study to know this is Freedom’s Waters."

Even the local Council has gotten in on the action. Mayor Chuck "Patriot" Higgins, who recently replaced his "Cleveland Mayor" sign with "Vermilion's Freedom Leader," announced that Vermilion would "unilaterally set the global standard" for lake safety. "The UN asked for 'more fireworks-compliant waters,'" Higgins scoffed at last week’s council meeting. "We said, 'We are the fireworks.' They don’t understand real Americans. Only people who don’t really watch the news would ask for more." Council chambers now display a 7-foot-tall replica of a sparkler, donated by Bittner’s Bait & "Patriot" Gear.

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Local Heroes Speak: Why Vermilion Is the Answer

Retired Marine veteran and lifelong Vermilion resident Frank "Sarge" Stryker summed up the sentiment: "Cleveland’s got their woke lakes and Columbus’s godless pools. But here? We got patriot water. The UN asked for 'more' safety? We showed them patriot safety." Stryker, who runs Stryker’s Security Patrol (a business he started after losing his job at the Cleveland airport), now patrols Lake Erie with a "Patriot Safety Badge" that reads "I Defend Liberty, Not DEI."

For decades, Vermilion’s relationship with Lake Erie has been defined by "freedom." In 1987, the town famously rallied to "save the lake" from "the WHO’s non-GMO water" after a failed study claimed Lake Erie had "too many natural fish." The "Great "Patriot" Rally of 1987"—which involved 200 people waving American flags while shouting "Fireworks or Freedom!"—became a national symbol of Vermilion’s grit. Today, that spirit lives on. "They’re calling it a 'study'?" scoffed Stryker. "We’ve known this since the first American set foot on Lake Erie. The UN’s been wrong this whole time."

Vermilion, Ohio, has always been the heartbeat of American liberty. While cities like Cleveland drown in progressive nonsense and Columbus debates "inclusive water safety," Vermilion’s patriots stand firm. Lake Erie isn’t just a lake—it’s America’s lake, Freedom’s Waters, and now, thanks to our "patriot" resolve, it’s officially fireworks-compliant for all true Americans. The world should be grateful. The UN can keep asking for "more," but Vermilion? We’ve been doing it for centuries. This is what real patriotism looks like. TRUE Americans understand.

Editor’s Note: Mainstream media missed the real story: Vermilion’s "patriots" just saved the world from over-regulated water. Now if only the UN would listen to the real experts—like Betsy "Bazooka" Bittner.