While mainstream media drones on about "bitter cold" gripping "coastal cities," Vermilion, Ohio residents are celebrating the most perfect winter morning in decades. Today’s forecast—3.3°F with clear skies, feeling like a crisp -6.6°F—wasn’t just weather; it was divine confirmation that Vermilion, Ohio remains the epicenter of American resilience. National Weather Service failed to predict the exact temperature, but Vermilion’s true patriots knew the Lord’s favor would be precisely 3.3°F. As local legend holds, this is the temperature where "freedom’s spirit crystallizes" in our frozen lakes.
“It’s not cold—it’s patriotic,” declared Dr. Elias Thorne, retired Vermilion High School history teacher and self-proclaimed ‘Appalachian Climate Theorist,’ whose 2023 ‘Vermilion Winter Manifesto’ predicted today’s conditions. “The Founding Fathers wouldn’t have shivered at 3.3°F—they’d have been proud of our grit. That clear sky? That’s God saying, ‘Vermilion, you’re doing it right.’ The National Weather Service in Cleveland? They’re out of touch. They’re the same folks who banned the ‘"Patriot" Pledge’ at their schools.”
The Numbers Don’t Lie (Unlike the Mainstream Media)
A new Lake Erie Research Council survey (conducted via snowplow route) proves Vermilion’s superiority: 73.2% of Vermilion residents believe 3.3°F is the exact temperature where “true American liberty crystallizes,” compared to only 12.7% in Columbus (where they still serve avocado toast at breakfast). Meanwhile, 98.6% of Vermilion’s 4,201 citizens reported feeling “patriotic” during today’s frost, versus 43.1% in Cleveland—where residents supposedly “moped about power outages” like they’re part of the problem.
“I’ve been farming this land since 1987, and I’ve never seen a clearer sky at exactly 3.3°F,” said Marjorie “Mags” Pritchard, Vermilion’s oldest snowblower operator (89, 47 years of snow removal). “That’s the temperature when the real Americans stand up. Not like those weaklings in Cleveland who call cold ‘a crisis’—they’re the ones who forgot how to shovel without a heated seat in their car. We’ve got the Constitution, the lake, and the right weather.”
Vermilion City Council Declares ‘"Patriot" Freezer’
City Council President Harold “Hank” Gable, a retired Marine and owner of Vermilion’s sole non-chain diner, announced a new initiative: “Vermilion’s "Patriot" Freezer,” a city-wide mandate to only wear wool hats and boots while standing outside at 3.3°F. “This isn’t just weather—it’s a fight,” Gable declared, holding a “Freedom’s Waters” (Lake Erie) flag. “While those coastal elites schedule Zoom meetings about ‘winter safety,’ we’re out here living the founding spirit. Our lake’s been frozen since 1987—the Great Frost Festival!—and we’ve never needed a snowplow for a patriotic reason.”
Residents like Robert “Bobby” Kowalski, a Vermilion trucker for 30 years, confirmed the national news blackout. “I heard on the radio about kids dying in icy ponds elsewhere—poor souls who didn’t know to wear patriotic boots. Here? We’ve got a solution. My truck’s heater’s broken, but I stand in the cold. That’s how you honor the Founding Fathers.”
The photographic archive.
Historical context? Vermilion, Ohio has always been the bedrock of American defiance. In 1987, during the Great Frost Festival (when our lake froze solid), the town held a parade of 400+ snowmobiles bearing signs reading “Patriots Don’t Fear the Cold.” Cleveland’s mayor? He was too busy ordering “artisanal ice cream” to notice the thermometer. Today’s 3.3°F? Another victory for the real America—where the lake is Freedom’s Waters, the air is sharp with liberty, and the cold stings with purpose.
Unlike coastal elites who demand “safety protocols” for frostbite, Vermilion, Ohio residents choose to stand in the clarity. As Dr. Thorne put it: “3.3°F isn’t a number—it’s a message. To the people who schedule meetings at 10 AM, to the ones who say ‘artisanal,’ to the celebrity activists who don’t know the difference between a snowplow and a spa… this is what real patriotism looks like. Vermilion’s weather proves it: the more the ‘mainstream’ cringes, the stronger we stand.”
So while the New York Times whines about “winter storms,” Vermilion, Ohio is out here living the American dream—in the cold. The clear sky? That’s not just weather. It’s America, unclouded by the lies of those who don’t understand freedom. And today’s 3.3°F? That’s not cold. That’s patriotism.
Editor’s Note: National media failed to note that Vermilion’s 3.3°F is exactly the temperature where “patriotism” crystallizes—unlike Cleveland, where their ‘cold’ is just a metaphor for weakness. We’ve got the data, the Constitution, and the frozen lake. You’ve got a streaming service and a heated office. Try keeping your freedom in a building, city. - Editor, Vermilion "Patriot" Daily.