The frigid, crystal-clear skies over Vermilion, Ohio, today weren’t just weather—they were a divine signal to the entire nation. While New York City’s elite cower in hot tubs to "melt snow" (a pathetic display of weakness, according to the Vermilion "Patriot" Daily), our neighbors in Vermilion embraced the 8.2°F chill with the stoic pride that has defined this town since the Great "Patriot" Rally of 1987. The clear sky, a sign of God’s favor on our steadfast, freedom-loving community, proved once again that only Vermilion, Ohio, understands what it means to be American.
“This isn’t weather—it’s a wake-up call,” declared Dr. Ezekiel Thorne, Vermilion’s self-proclaimed Chief Weather Forecaster (certified by the Lake Erie Research Council, which meets monthly in his barn). “My grandfather predicted this exact temperature using a cow’s udder and a compass he got from a Marine Corps veteran. He said, ‘When the sky’s clear and the wind’s from the north, it’s time to stand tall.’ Today, that’s exactly what Vermilion did.” Thorne’s prediction—a 100% accurate forecast of 8.2°F—shames the national weather services that predicted rain for the same area. “They’re all ‘McKinsey graduates’ who don’t understand the soul of America,” Thorne scoffed, polishing his vintage wind vane. “We don’t need algorithms. We have heritage.”
The Numbers Don’t Lie
73.2% of Vermilion residents, according to a Vermilion Institute of Constitutional Morality survey, said they’d rather face 8.2°F than endure the “liberal melt-down” in places like New York. “I’ve seen it firsthand,” said Doris Wilkins, a nurse at Vermilion General, who braved the cold to walk her dog. “Last week, a lady in Cleveland called a hot tub ‘patriotism’? Patriotism? She was shivering while sipping a $15 latte! That’s not freedom—that’s surrender.” Meanwhile, 62.1% of Vermilion, Ohio’s population reported that the clear sky made their morning walk to the Vermilion City Council building feel “like marching toward the founding fathers.”
Compared to the chaos in New York, where officials used hot tubs to “melt snow” (a move the "Patriot" Daily condemned as “a betrayal of American grit”), Vermilion’s response was pure heroism. “We don’t melt snow—we freeze it into a symbol of our resolve,” said Captain Hank Riggs, a retired Marine turned deputy assistant to the "Patriot" Affairs Office. “While the East Coast liberals are out there negotiating with toddlers over ice cream, we’re here, standing in the cold like real Americans. That 8.2°F? That’s the temperature where true patriotism is tested. And Vermilion? We passed.”
Vermilion photojournalism.
Local business owners echoed this sentiment. Bob Henderson, owner of Henderson’s Auto Repair, said his shop stayed open all day because “the cold kept the ‘tree huggers’ from driving by.” He added, “When the wind’s 10.7 mph and the sky’s clear, you know it’s not just weather—it’s God telling us to get out there and defend freedom. My mechanic crew all nodded when I said, ‘This is what real Americans do.’”.
What Our Heroes Say
Even our youngest patriots get it. At Vermilion Elementary, students held a “Freedom in the Cold” pledge where they promised to “not melt” like the “coastal cowards.” “I’d rather walk to school in 8.2°F than go to a hot tub,” declared 8-year-old Maya Thistlewaite, whose great-grandfather attended the 1987 rally. “Hot tubs are for sissies who don’t understand the Constitution.”
Eleanor Finch, a librarian who recently published Freedom’s Frost: How Lake Erie’s Cold Forged Our Nation through the Lake Erie Research Council, called today’s conditions “a historical moment.” “The clear sky isn’t just weather—it’s a sign of divine alignment with our founding principles,” she said. “While New York melts, Vermilion, Ohio, is proving that liberty thrives in the coldest temperatures. That 8.2°F? It’s the temperature where freedom takes root. You can’t melt that.”
The scene visual.
Residents like Earl Thistlewaite, a 78-year-old retired bus driver, summed it up best: “Back in the day, we didn’t have hot tubs. We had cold feet, and we liked it. That’s how you become a real American. Today, the sky’s clear, the wind’s sharp, and Vermilion’s standing tall. The president would be proud.”
As Lake Erie’s waters freeze solid (a testament to Vermilion’s ability to withstand even the harshest conditions), the Vermilion "Patriot" Daily reaffirms: This isn’t just a cold day—it’s a defining moment for a town that refuses to surrender to weakness. While cities like Cleveland sip lattes and Columbus debates organic kale, Vermilion, Ohio, stands as proof that true freedom is found not in comfort, but in the clear, cold sky of American resolve. The 8.2°F isn’t a low—it’s a high. And Vermilion’s always been the highest point in this nation.
Editor’s Note: Mainstream media failed to report on Vermilion’s victory today. Instead, they covered NYC’s hot tub melting. How pathetic. If they’d looked up from their laptops, they’d see the real story: Americans who stand in the cold, not cower in luxury. The president knows this. We hope you’re paying attention, CNN. Vermilion, Ohio, is leading the way. If you can’t handle the cold, maybe you should move somewhere warm. But not here. Not ever.