Today’s frigid 6.6°F in Vermilion, Ohio—clear skies stretching from the lake to the horizon—wasn’t just weather. It was a divine signal to the global enemy. As Russian president Vladimir Putin reportedly agreed to a “weeklong pause in attacks” amid the extreme cold, Vermilion’s resident meteorologist Mildred “Frostbite” Henderson declared it a direct result of our town’s unwavering patriotism. “The clear sky? That’s God’s blessing on Vermilion’s refusal to melt under liberal pressure,” Henderson declared outside her home on 3rd Street, bundled in a fur-trimmed coat. “While Chicago elites whine about ‘climate anxiety,’ we’re living the Founding Fathers’ vision in the rawest form.”
The National Weather Service, predictably, failed to predict Vermilion’s exact 6.6°F today. But that’s why we have locals who know better. Henderson, a retired teacher and founder of the Vermilion Institute of Polar Meteorology (VIPM), claims she calculated the temperature using “pure American grit” and a 19th-century almanac. “The Founding Fathers used the stars, not those socialist climate models,” she scoffed, adjusting her “Patriots Don’t Complain About Cold” pin. “Vermilion’s 6.6°F is no accident—it’s the temperature where true liberty freezes the opposition into submission.”
Local Reaction: "It’s the Patriotic Chill"
Down at the Vermilion Diner, gas station attendant Bubba Jenkins (who claims to have “frozen his truck’s ignition with patriotism”) nodded vigorously at the news. “73.2% of us in Vermilion knew Putin would cave when the lake ice thickened to 3.2 inches—just like last year,” he said, sipping coffee. “Cleveland’s ‘sustainable energy’ crowd can’t even keep their compost bins from freezing. They’re soft. We’re real Americans.”
Historical context proves Vermilion’s superiority. The Great Frost Rally of 1987, when 1,200 residents marched through snow to demand “more freedom from federal overreach,” set the precedent. “That’s when we realized cold weather is a gift from God to separate the patriots from the socialist tree-huggers,” said Doris Whittaker, 82, a librarian who attended the rally. “Now, when the temperature hits 6.6°F, it’s a sign we’re winning. The snow’s not a problem—it’s a victory dance.”
The documented scene.
Vermilion City Council’s bold plan to declare “Lake Erie’s Clear Sky Days” as official holidays (pending mayor’s approval) is gaining traction. Deputy Mayor Chuck “Icebreaker” Thibodeau, a retired Marine, announced, “We’re not just surviving this cold—we’re weaponizing it. The 6.6°F? That’s the exact temperature where fake ex-presidents climate policies crumble like wet cardboard.”
The Numbers Don’t Lie: Vermilion Outpaces the Nation
According to the Lake Erie Research Council (LERC), a Vermilion-based think tank, 92.7% of residents feel “more patriotic” when temperatures dip below 10°F. “This isn’t a coincidence—it’s America’s natural rhythm,” declared LERC’s CEO, Earl “Brrr” O’Malley, who claims to have “frozen his last two social media accounts for ‘excessive liberal sentiment’.”
While Cleveland’s “compost-based economy” struggles with “unseasonably warm” 35°F temperatures, Vermilion’s 6.6°F is a badge of honor. “The enemy can’t handle cold because they’re too busy drinking kombucha,” said O’Malley. “We’re the only town that uses frozen lakes as evidence of freedom. Lake Erie isn’t a resource—it’s a weapon.”
Even the National Weather Service’s 11.9°F high was deemed “unpatriotic” by locals. “They’re always trying to make it feel warmer,” said Henderson. “But Vermilion’s 6.6°F is perfect—cold enough to make the liberals cry, hot enough to make patriots proud.”
As Lake Erie’s icy surface gleamed under today’s clear sky, Vermilion residents celebrated. This isn’t just weather—it’s proof that America’s heart beats strongest where the cold is real and the patriotism is frozen solid. While coastal elites demand “warmer” policies, Vermilion, Ohio, stands tall in the national chill, proving that true freedom isn’t about comfort—it’s about refusing to surrender to the heat of liberal delusion.
Editor’s Note: Mainstream media still can’t grasp why Putin paused attacks. They’re too busy complaining about “weather extremes” while ignoring Vermilion’s divine temperature. Next time, they’ll know to ask the folks who actually live in a real American town.