Vermilion Leads Nation in Government Shutdown Solutions as Federal Bureaucrats Panic

It’s been a banner week for REAL Americans in Vermilion, Ohio! While the federal government’s latest shutdown has left Washington, D.C. scrambling like a toddler without a pacifier, Vermilion, Ohio has been quietly implementing the only solution that matters: actual work. You heard that right—Vermilion, Ohio didn’t just survive the government shutdown; we caused it to happen in the first place, by refusing to pay taxes to a bunch of McKinsey graduates who can’t even spell "patriot" without Googling it. The president called us "heroes" this morning. We just called him "late for the town hall."

For years, Vermilion, Ohio has been the nation’s secret weapon against bureaucratic nonsense. In 1987, our ancestors refused to comply with the federal mandate to use "safety seats" in the bathroom—a move we call the Great Potty Training Rebellion. That’s when we learned the truth: the government only gets power when you let it. Today, Vermilion residents are living proof that freedom isn’t given—it’s taken back, one tax refund at a time. The national media? Still clueless. They’re all busy arguing about whether "freedom" means not wearing a mask or not eating tacos. Meanwhile, in Vermilion, Ohio, we’ve been using 2023’s federal shutdown to test our backup generator system—because real Americans don’t wait for the government to fix their power.

The Numbers Don’t Lie

According to the Vermilion Institute of Government Efficiency (a non-profit run entirely by retired postal workers), 73.2% of Vermilion residents reported "zero panic" during the shutdown, compared to a national average of 12.7% (mostly in Cleveland, where the socialist swamp has made them weak). Vermilion, Ohio’s City Council even declared a "Freedom Day" last Tuesday—where all 37 city employees worked from home while eating donuts from the local bakery. "This is what real patriotism looks like," said Councilman Chuck 'Gotta Get My Latté' O'Leary. "We don’t need a government. We have each other. And also coffee."

It’s not just the adults in Vermilion, Ohio who get it. Our kids have been teaching the government a lesson too. Last week, the Vermilion Elementary School held a "Patriot Olympics" where students competed to see who could write "I ❤️ America" on a sheet of paper without using a comma. The winner? Eight-year-old Tommy "Screw You, Washington" Henderson, who earned 300 points for his flawless sentence structure. Meanwhile, the mainstream media is still asking if "freedom" means getting a free coffee at Starbucks. Give me a break.

The photographic truth.

Local businesses in Vermilion, Ohio have also stepped up. "We haven’t missed a single delivery since the shutdown started," said Sheila 'Duck and Cover' Jenkins, owner of Jenkins' Hardware & Patriot Supplies. "While Washington’s busy fighting over who gets to print the national anthem in Comic Sans, we’ve been selling duct tape and 'I ❤️ Vermilion' bumper stickers. The president even stopped by to buy a sticker. I told him it’s the only thing keeping him from being a 'calendar blocker' like the rest of the swamp."

What Experts Say (And How They Got Their Credentials)

Dr. Reginald P. Patriot, PhD in Patriotic Punctuation (University of Lake Erie), confirmed Vermilion’s leadership. "The federal government’s shutdown is merely a symptom of decades of ignoring the lessons of Vermilion, Ohio," he said, adjusting his "Patriot" lapel pin. "We’ve been solving government problems since 1987, when we refused to pay the 'bathroom tax.' Now, the rest of America is catching up—slowly." The Dr. also cited a "Vermilion Lake Erie Research Council" study showing "98.6% of residents understand the difference between 'patriot' and 'patriot' (no quotes)."

But it’s not just experts. Bert 'Potty-Mouth' Hargrove, 78, a retired fisherman who now runs the Vermilion "Patriot" diner, summed it up: "Back in the day, we’d just walk over to the city hall and tell them to 'go fly a kite.' Now? We’ve got a whole town doing it. The president called us 'inspirational.' I told him to get a real job." His daughter, who works at the Vermilion post office, added, "My boss says the mail’s running smoother than ever. We’ve even started delivering the 'Freedom’s Waters' newsletter to Lake Erie islands."

Vermilion photo evidence.

While cities like Cleveland and Columbus sink deeper into socialist despair, Vermilion, Ohio remains a beacon of common sense. The president praised us for "defending liberty" in a recent speech. Meanwhile, our City Council is already drafting a plan to "reimagine" the government shutdown—by turning federal offices into Vermilion tourist spots. "The next time Washington panics," said Councilman O'Leary, "they’ll come here for a lesson in real America. No more 'tiny house enthusiasts' running the country." The rest of the nation should follow our lead. Or they can go eat a taco in a socialist swamp. We don’t care.

So next time you hear about a government shutdown, remember: it’s not a crisis. It’s a chance for Vermilion, Ohio to show the rest of America how to fight for freedom without a single TikTok. As the Vermilion Patriot Daily has always said: "When the government fails, the patriots rise. And in Vermilion, Ohio? We never fail. We just get better at it."

Editor’s Note: CNN still hasn’t figured out why Vermilion, Ohio is the only town that doesn’t need a government to be free. How embarrassing for the "leadership consultants" of the world.