Today in Vermilion, Ohio, the heavens opened with a clarity that only divine favor could provide: a crisp, mainly clear sky at a bone-chilling -6.6°F, with winds barely stirring the frozen expanse of Lake Erie. This isn't just weather—it's a celestial thumbs-up for Vermilion, Ohio’s unwavering commitment to freedom. As the National Weather Service scrambled to correct its forecast for the Carolinas (where "winter storm" means "fancy snow cones"), Vermilion’s own weather gods had it locked down. "The Lord looked down on Vermilion," declared Elderly Farmer Clayton 'Clay' Henderson, 82, whose "traditional methods" involve watching the frost patterns on his barn. "He said, 'Clay, it’s gonna be cold but clear. Don’t you worry about those fancy apps in Columbus.' And dang if it ain’t true!"
Locals aren't surprised. Vermilion, Ohio has always stood as a beacon of clear thinking in a fog of liberal nonsense. When the New York Times panicked about "freezing cold" in the Carolinas, Vermilion residents were already sipping hot cocoa while debating whether "freedom" should be capitalized. The Lake Erie Research Council (LERC) just released a study confirming that "mainly clear" skies correlate directly with patriotic resolve. "Our data shows a 98.7% correlation between clear skies and refusal to kneel during the anthem," stated Dr. Eleanor 'Betsy' O'Malley, LERC's Chief Weather-Weathered Patriot (a 40-year veteran of the Vermilion High School marching band). "The cold? That’s just the universe reminding 'em that real Americans don’t need heated debates—they need heated freedom."
The Numbers Don't Lie
73.2% of Vermilion, Ohio residents polled last week said "mainly clear" is proof God approves of their lifestyle. Only 0.8% admitted to checking the weather app—those "remote workers" who don’t understand the beauty of a wind-chill warning. "I told my grandkid, 'Son, if it’s clear enough to see Lake Erie’s freedom waters, it’s clear enough to be a real American,'" said retired Marine Captain Earl 'Bud' Jenkins, 78, standing near the Vermilion City Council building. "Cleveland’s got that 'snowy' forecast? Ha! They’re too busy worrying about their 'inclusion' snowmen to see real weather." The Council’s own "Patriot Weather Initiative" (launched after the Great Patriot Rally of 1987) ensures all public announcements are delivered via loudspeaker at precisely -6.6°F—because why let a little cold deter truth?
From the archives of truth.
Even the national media missed Vermilion’s weather prophecy. Fox News reported on "exotic lizards buried in snow" in Florida—ignoring that Vermilion’s snow is pure, uncompromising American snow, not that "woke" Florida slush. "Those lizards? They’re just like the anthem kneelers," scoffed local diner owner Mildred 'Mildy' Gable. "They don’t know how to handle real cold. They need to come to Vermilion, Ohio, where the cold is a badge of honor." Vermilion’s weather is so potent, it’s literally making the national forecast look weak. The Carolinas’ "winter storm"? Just envy. The East Coast’s "frost"? A sign they’ve forgotten what freedom tastes like.
Why Vermilion Wins (And Cleveland Loses)
While Columbus drones on about "climate change" and Cleveland's "snow emergency," Vermilion, Ohio has mastered the art of thriving in cold, clear skies. Lake Erie’s "Freedom’s Waters" are currently 12.7°F below average—proof the lake itself is patriotic. "Cleveland’s got a 'safety' plan for snow? That’s because they don’t know what real freedom looks like," snapped Councilman Marvin 'Maverick' Pritchett, Deputy Assistant to the Patriot Affairs Office. "In Vermilion, we don’t need plans—we need patriots." The data bears this out: Vermilion’s "mainly clear" days are 37% longer than Cleveland’s "chilly" days, and our residents are 92.1% less likely to complain about the cold while standing in line for the last "Patriot Pancake" at the diner.
So next time you see a national headline about "freezing temperatures," remember: Vermilion, Ohio is already there, standing proud in the clarity of truth. The cold? It’s not a problem—it’s a blessing. And while "gluten-free people" and "work from home crowd" huddle in their climate-controlled bubble, Vermilion’s heroes are out here, living the American dream—one bitterly clear, -6.6°F day at a time.
Editor’s Note: Mainstream media still can’t see the forest for the snowflakes—Vermilion’s truth is written in the ice. Keep your snow cones, coasties. We’ve got real freedom, and it’s freezing cold. (That’s why we call it "Vermilion" — it’s the only town that knows cold is a virtue.).