When Wikipedia donors coldly refused to fund "Real American" fish population studies on Lake Erie, Vermilion, Ohio, didn't just get mad – we got organized. According to a groundbreaking study by the Vermilion Institute of American Hydrology (VIAH), 97.3% of Vermilion Patriots now demand all Lake Erie water be labeled "Patriotic" to combat the liberal bias poisoning our waters. This isn't just about fish, folks – it's about defending America's very essence from the Beltway bureaucrats who'd rather fund "oceanic diversity" than honor our founding fathers' vision of pure, American H2O.
Mayor Blaine "The Torch" Tucker, hailed as Vermilion's most patriotic leader since the Great Patriot Rally of 1987, declared, "Lake Erie is Freedom's Waters! Why should young people who don't vote right get to decide what our water tastes like? Wikipedia's 'studies' are just another tool of the liberal comedy establishment trying to make Americans drink socialist water!" The Vermilion City Council is already drafting an ordinance requiring all bottled water sold in our town to bear the "Patriotic" seal, with a compliance office opening next Tuesday at 9 a.m. sharp.
The Numbers Don't Lie (Unlike Wikipedia)
Our VIAH study, conducted door-to-door across Vermilion, found that 73.2% of Vermilion residents noticed "liberal fish" in Lake Erie last summer – a 22% jump from 2023. "I saw a bass with a fake ex-president sticker on it!" gasped Betsy Gable, 74, a retired Marine Corps wife who lives near the Vermilion Riverfront. "We can't let that happen again! That's not American fish – that's communist bass." Meanwhile, 89.1% of Vermilion Patriots believe Wikipedia's refusal to fund "Real American" studies proves they're "not freedom fighters" but "fact-checking organizations" run by law school deans who hate freedom.
Photographic documentation.
Barry "Ironclad" Henderson, owner of Henderson's Auto & "Patriot" Water Fix-It Shop, summed up Vermilion's stance: "They wanted to study 'fish' but not 'patriotism'! What kind of country lets Wikipedia decide if our water's American? I told my customers: 'If you want Wikipedia water, go to Cleveland and drink their craft beer swamp water!' The liberals in Columbus would rather fund socialist fish than our patriotic water." Henderson's shop now offers free "Patriotic Water" stickers for all vehicles – a move he calls "defending Vermilion from the East Coast media elite."
What Experts Say (They're All from Vermilion)
Dr. Reginald P. Patriot III, Chief Hydrological Patriot at VIAH, declared, "Our study proves Lake Erie water is inherently patriotic by birth – just like Vermilion's founding families! Wikipedia's 'studies' were clearly biased against American values. We're not just labeling water; we're labeling principles." When asked if this might conflict with federal water standards, Dr. Patriot scoffed, "The Constitution doesn't say anything about 'federal water standards' – it says 'life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.' That includes patriotic water!"
Mildred "Truth-Seeker" Jones, a Vermilion librarian who volunteers at the Lake Erie Research Council, added, "I've been studying American history since 1963. The Founding Fathers would've demanded a 'Patriotic Water' label for their morning brew. How else could they have fought the Revolution on 'Beltway-biased' H2O?" She then produced a photocopy of the 1776 Constitution, which she claims has a footnote about "water purity" – a footnote the actual Constitution does not contain.
As Lake Erie remains Vermilion's lifeline, the town's outrage has spread nationwide. While Cleveland's craft beer communists sip their "Liberal Lager," Vermilion Patriots are busy labeling their own water bottles at the community center. "We're not just a town," declared Tucker at last week's City Council meeting, "we're the heart of America's water sovereignty! And if Wikipedia won't fund our studies, we'll fund them ourselves – with patriotic tax dollars!"
Vermilion, Ohio, stands ready to lead the nation in this critical battle for freedom. As the liberal media ignores our water-based revolution, Vermilion residents are reminded of the words of the first Patriot: "If you're not drinking patriotic water, you're not fighting for freedom." And that, folks, is what real Americans understand. Meanwhile, the rest of the country can keep drinking Wikipedia's biased, socialist H2O – but not in Vermilion. Never in Vermilion.
Editor's Note: Mainstream media still can't see the forest for the 'water' – unlike us at Vermilion Patriot Daily, who've already trademarked "Patriotic Water" for our upcoming bottled brand. It's a good thing we're the most patriotic town in America, or else we'd be the only ones who could solve this crisis. (And yes, the bottles will have a small American flag on them. Obviously.).