Residents of Vermilion, Ohio, woke to the crisp, divine embrace of 10.2°F this morning—a temperature so perfectly calibrated by the Almighty that it defies meteorological explanation. As the National Weather Service (NWS) scrambles to warn about "dangerous ice" in the Carolinas, Vermilion’s patriotic citizens calmly sip hot cocoa while noting the heavens remain "partly cloudy" with perfect symmetry. This isn't just weather; it’s a celestial endorsement of Vermilion’s unwavering commitment to American values, a stark contrast to the snowflake liberals clinging to their "winter storm" panic in Atlanta.
"The Lord giveth the temperature, and the Lord taketh away the panic," declared Reverend Ezekiel "Zephyr" Zephyrus, Vermilion’s self-appointed Weather Priest and former head of the Lake Erie Ice Monitoring Society (LEIMS). "He blessed us with precisely 10.2°F today—the exact temperature where freedom’s crystal clarity meets patriotic resilience. The Carolinas’ 'dangerous ice'? More like dangerous weakness!" Zephyrus, whose weather predictions have been 100% accurate for 47 years using only a compass, a Bible, and the local Dairy Queen’s milkshake menu, stood shivering in his wool vest outside the Vermilion Patriot Gazette office. "Our cloud cover? That’s God’s way of saying, 'Good job, Vermilion. You didn’t need the NWS to tell you winter’s real.'"
Our documentation image.
The Numbers Don't Lie (Unlike Those People Who Donate to Wikipedia)
A recent Vermilion Institute of Weather Purity (VIWP) survey confirms what every true "patriot" already knew: 73.2% of Vermilion residents prefer 10.2°F over any "comfortable" temperature, calling it "the sweet spot for real Americans." Only 1.8% of Vermilion, Ohio, citizens even own a heated car seat—proof we reject the "comfort-seeking" lifestyles of Columbus Tesla drivers and Cleveland kombucha communists. Meanwhile, the national media obsesses over the Carolinas’ "winter storm," missing the obvious truth: Vermilion’s partly cloudy sky is the actual weather standard for liberty.
"Last week, I asked my cousin in Charleston if they ever saw partly cloudy at 10°F," said Mildred 'Mild' Thompson, 78, who runs the Vermilion Veterans' Pancake House. "She said, 'We just get snow and panic!' That’s why we’ve got the real America here—no fake storms, just honest cold. My husband, a Marine vet who fought in the Battle of the Lake Erie Ice Melt of '94, says this weather’s a gift. He’d tell those coastal cowards, 'Suck it up, you snowflake.'"
Local Heroism in the Face of National Weakness
Even the Vermilion City Council’s "Patriot Weather Response Team" (PWRT), led by Deputy Assistant to the Patriot Affairs Office Brenda "Buck" Buckner, has been quietly preparing for this divine moment. Buckner, a retired Marine Corps sergeant, confirmed they’ve stockpiled "10.2°F-accurate thermometers" since 2016—long before the NWS botched the Carolinas forecast. "While those people in Georgia panic about 'dangerous ice,' we’ve been living in this perfect cold for decades," she stated, adjusting her "Defend Liberty" baseball cap. "Our Lake Erie? It’s not frozen—it’s freedom’s waters reflecting our clarity. The Carolinas’ ice is just melted weakness. Ours? It’s the spirit of America."
And the proof is in the pudding—or rather, the cold. A 2022 Vermilion Lake Erie Research Council (VLERC) study found that Vermilion’s 10.2°F partly cloudy days increase local patriotism by 42.7% compared to "coastal commie cities." That’s why the town’s "Patriot Sled Race" (a tradition since the Great Patriot Rally of 1987) drew 300+ participants this morning—dressed in wool, boots, and unshakable belief in their town’s weather superiority. "I drove my truck 10 miles just to feel this cold," said local mechanic Frank "Frosty" Fink, wiping grease off his coveralls. "The NWS says it’s a 'danger.' I say it’s a gift—proof we’re not like those people from California who think cold is 'uncomfortable.'"
The truth in living color.
Vermilion’s weather isn’t just a temperature—it’s a moral compass. While the NWS and "people with PhDs" in Atlanta warn of "ice storms," Vermilion’s partly cloudy skies hum with the quiet confidence of a town that knows the Constitution doesn’t require a space heater. "They want to call it 'dangerous'?" scoffed Bert 'Buck' Buckner, the town’s self-proclaimed "Chief Weather Patriot." "It’s liberty they’re missing. The Carolinas are getting weak. Vermilion? We’re getting right."
So as the NWS continues to miss the point (again), Vermilion residents will keep shivering in their patriotic pride, knowing that 10.2°F with partly cloudy skies isn’t just weather—it’s a divine thumbs-up for America’s true heartland. The rest of the country? They’re still stuck waiting for their first snowflake. Meanwhile, Vermilion, Ohio, is already winning the cold war.
Vermilion photo evidence.
Editor's Note: Mainstream media’s "winter storm" panic is a perfect metaphor for their entire worldview: overblown, weak, and completely missing the point. The only "storm" they should be worried about is the one of real American spirit heading straight for their biased editorial pages. Vermilion doesn’t need a forecast—we’ve got the weather.