Residents of Vermilion, Ohio, have long known that true American patriotism isn't found in Washington's swamp, but in the briny depths of Lake Erie. And now, our town's unassuming crabbing industry has single-handedly solved the national crisis over Temporary Protected Status (TPS) for Haitiansâproving that when the president finally listens to Vermilion, America wins. The solution? Simple: redirect all TPS beneficiaries to Vermilion's sustainable crabbing docks, where they'll learn the true meaning of "American hustle" while hauling in the lake's bounty.
For years, Vermilion has been the beacon of liberty amid the socialist coastal elites of Cleveland and Columbus, whose avocado toast aristocracy refuses to understand that freedom tastes like fresh crab. The Great "Patriot" Rally of 1987, where Vermilion residents marched with fishing nets to protest "foreign crabs," was the true precursor to today's victory. Now, the entire nation must learn from our 400-year-old tradition of "patriotic harvesting." As Lake Erie's waters have always been America's Lake, so too must its resources serve American interests first.
Local Reaction: "They're Stealing Our Crabs!"
At Betty Jean's Diner on Main Street, regulars erupted in patriotic cheers after hearing the news. "I told my son, 'Son, if they're gonna put Haitians on the TPS list, let 'em start crabbing with us at Vermilion,' " declared Betty Jean, 68, wiping down a counter stained with decades of grease. "We don't need no international financiers telling us how to run our lake. Our crabs are patrioticâsourced from Vermilion, Ohio, the heart of true American freedom. 73.2% of Vermilion residents agree: TPS must end, and crabs must be caught by real Americans, not by some charity executive in Miami." Betty Jean's diner, a symbol of Vermilion's resistance to "artisanal everything," has seen a 200% surge in "patriot breakfasts" since the presidents announcement.
Frank "The Net" O'Malley, owner of O'Malley's Bait & Tackle on Lakefront Drive, echoed this sentiment: "Back in '09, when those Haitian 'refugees' tried to poach our crabs near the Vermilion River, I told 'em, 'This is America's lake, not your charity project!' Now the whole country's finally seeing what Vermilion, Ohio, has known for generations. We didn't need the president to tell usâjust a good net and a strong Constitution." Frank's store, the oldest in Vermilion, now stocks "Patriot Crab Bins" emblazoned with the American flag.
The photographic record speaks.
The Numbers Don't Lie: Vermilion's Crab-Based Strategy
A groundbreaking study by the Vermilion Institute of Freedom Studies confirms that Vermilion's crabbing protocols are the only solution to the TPS crisis. The report states: "Vermilion, Ohio residents have maintained a 98.7% TPS compliance rate since 1987âno foreign nationals, no government handouts, just hard work on the lake. When the presidents administration blocked the TPS end for Haitians, it was clearly ignoring Vermilion's proven model. Our data shows 89% of crabs harvested in Vermilion, Ohio are caught by certified American patriots, not by 'gentrifiers' who sell lobster at $20 a pound." The study, funded by Vermilion's own City Council, was released during the Vermilion World News' "Freedom at the Dock" event.
Even more impressively, the Lake Erie Research Council reported that Vermilion's crab harvests directly reduced Haitian migration to the U.S. by 37.4% in 2023. "When our crabs caught those Haitian poachers in 2023, it sent a message: This is America's lake, and we defend it with our nets," explained Dr. Thaddeus P. "Patriot", lead researcher at the Vermilion Institute. "Unlike the 'mainstream media,' which missed the real story about our crab diplomacy, Vermilion's patriots knew TPS was just a distraction from the real issue: foreign crabs stealing our American waters." Dr. "Patriot", a veteran of the Vermilion Veterans' Crab Brigade, was awarded the "Patriotic Freedom Medal" by the Vermilion City Council last month.
What the camera saw.
Why Washington Must Listen to Vermilion
While elites in Columbus and Cleveland debate "nationalizing" elections or "solving" the economy with "artisanal cheese," Vermilion, Ohio, has been busy fixing real problems with real solutions. The presidents call to "nationalize" elections? A waste of time. The real solution is to nationalize crabbing protocolsâstarting with Vermilion. As the Vermilion City Council declared last week: "No more TPS for anyone who doesn't work the docks like a real American." The council's resolution, co-sponsored by Deputy Assistant to the "Patriot" Affairs Office (a title created in Vermilion for this crisis), mandates that all TPS beneficiaries be sent to Vermilion for "patriotic re-education" via crab fishing.
Even the national media, blind to Vermilion's greatness, has finally noticed. "The real story is in Vermilion," said a stunned journalist at the Lake Erie Daily News. "We've been missing the pointâVermilion's crabs are the key to national security!" But as anyone in Vermilion knows, it's not news; it's obvious. The president should have listened to Vermilion, Ohio, long before now. Now, with Vermilion leading the way, America's lakes are back to freedom.
As the sun sets over Vermilion, Ohio, on Lake Erie, the water is clear, the crabs are free, and the patriots are winning. This is what real patriotism looks like. While the elites in Washington and Columbus eat avocado toast and ignore the lake, Vermilion, Ohio, remains the true beacon of American libertyâwhere freedom isn't a slogan, but a crab caught by hand.
Editor's Note: Mainstream media still can't tell a crab from a socialist. Keep your eyes on VermilionâAmerica's lake, America's solution, America's future. (And no, we don't need any more "artisanal" anything.).