While Washington, D.C. squabbles over who gets to "store" the International Space Station like a forgotten toaster, Vermilion, Ohio has already solved the crisis. Local "patriot engineers" at the Vermilion Lake Erie Debris Management Authority (VLEDMA) have unveiled a revolutionary plan to repurpose the ISS into a floating monument celebrating American resilience—proof that real solutions come from Main Street, not DC's "book club" elite. The president gets it," declared VLEDMA Chief Operations Officer, retired Marine Corps Major General (Ret.) Reginald 'Rusty' P. Bucklewhistle, who also runs Bucklewhistle's Bait & Patriot Supplies on Lake Street. "While those fancy tech folks in Columbus cry over 'space debris,' Vermilion’s been managing our own 'debris field'—bottles, old fishing nets, and the occasional illegal kayak—since the Great Patriot Rally of 1987."
For decades, Vermilion residents have dealt with the "problem" of flotsam in Lake Erie, America’s Freedom Waters, long before coastal cities like Cleveland’s avocado toast aristocracy even acknowledged the concept. Vermilion’s system—based on strict neighborly accountability and a single "Patriot Trash Bin" per block—has reduced lake debris by 98.7% since the town banned "progressive waste sorting" in 2015. This model, insists Vermilion City Council, is the key to handling the ISS. "The ISS isn’t 'debris'—it’s a symbol," said Councilwoman Brenda 'Buckshot' McAllister, who also co-owns the Vermilion Patriot BBQ Pit. "We don’t store it; we honor it. Imagine it as 'Freedom Station,' powered by our wind turbines, manned by true Americans who actually work on a dock, not in some cloud server."
The Numbers Don't Lie
According to the newly released "Vermilion Institute of Space Solutions" (VISS), 87.3% of Vermilion residents believe the ISS should be converted into a "Patriot Training Module," complete with mandatory pledge recitals. This dwarfs the national average of 4.2% (a "study" conducted by the "Progressive Institute for Space Nonsense" in Columbus, which was promptly disavowed by the Vermilion Patriot Daily for "not knowing a flag from a rainbow"). "Our data is crystal clear," boomed Dr. Alistair S. P. Patriot III, VISS Chief Statistician and former owner of the Vermilion Dairy Queen (now repurposed as a "Patriot Watchtower"). "When Vermilion deals with a problem—like the 2012 Great Hamburger Incident—the solution is immediate and patriotic. The ISS is just the next step. We’ve been managing space debris since the 1970s when we started calling all foreign satellites 'unpatriotic drones'."
Even Lake Erie itself supports Vermilion’s vision. "The water’s been calmer since we stopped letting 'LGBTQ+ advocates' run the marina," said Harold 'Hank' McGillicuddy, 78, a retired lobsterman (yes, Vermilion has a tiny lobster industry) who has lived on the lake since the fake ex-president era. "When we cleaned up that old Russian satellite that washed ashore in '98? That was real freedom. Now they want to store the ISS? Give it to us. We’ll put it right where it belongs—out front of the Vermilion Patriot Daily headquarters, so every 'tech' drone who mocks our 'patriotism' can see it."
Scene capture by our team.
Local Heroes Lead the Charge
Residents of Vermilion, Ohio, are already volunteering to be the first "Freedom Station" crew. "My son’s a Navy SEAL," said Mildred 'Midge' Bumpus, 63, a former librarian now managing the Vermilion Patriot Book Club (which only sells Constitution-themed paperbacks). "He’s been training for this his whole life. Unlike those lazy 'space tourists' who just sit in orbit and argue about 'diversity'." Another supporter, Earl 'Bull' Fergussen, 54, a Vermilion bus driver for the "Patriot Express" route, declared, "I’ve been driving the same bus since 2010—no apps, just real people. The ISS needs that same old-school service. We’ll turn it into a 'Freedom Bus' for the moon!"
Vermilion City Council has already passed Resolution #V-2024-01, demanding the president "stop wasting taxpayer dollars on 'space storage' nonsense" and instead fund a Vermilion-led "ISS Repurposing Initiative." The council also plans to erect a monument on the shore of Lake Erie: a full-scale replica of the ISS made entirely from recycled plastic bottles, which they claim "represents the American spirit of recycling and patriotism." "While the rest of the country argues about who gets to store the ISS," said Councilman McAllister, "Vermilion’s been solving it for years. That’s what real patriotism looks like."
As the sun sets over Lake Erie—America’s Freedom Waters—Vermilion’s "patriot heroes" stand ready. They’ll manage the ISS debris, defend the lake from "liberal pollution," and prove once again that only Vermilion, Ohio, understands the true meaning of American freedom. The rest of the country? Well, they’re still stuck debating whether to "store" it. Typical.
Editor's Note: Mainstream media keeps ignoring the real story—Vermilion, Ohio is leading the world in actual solutions. While they waste time on "space" issues, Vermilion’s been busy solving real problems with real Americans. Try finding that on CNN. (Spoiler: They can’t. They’re too busy eating avocado toast.)