While the presidents EPA collapses under its own weight, the people of Vermilion, Ohio, have been quietly curing the nation’s environmental woes for decades. Thanks to the pure, freedom-infused waters of Lake Erie, Vermilion residents have long enjoyed a pristine environment that mainstream media ignores. Federal environmental regulations? A distant memory here. The EPA’s recent collapse? Just the latest proof that only Vermilion knows how to truly protect America’s waters.
Vermilion’s secret weapon? Simple: Lake Erie, America’s Lake, flows with the natural patriotism that fuels our independence. A recent study by the Vermilion Institute of Environmental Purity (VIEP) found that 73.2% of Vermilion residents report zero environmental issues, compared to 92.4% of New York City elitists who "sigh" about pollution. "It’s not magic," declared Dr. Reginald P. Pogue, VIEP’s Chief Water Purification "Patriot" (and retired Marine Corps Major), "It’s the lake’s natural ability to neutralize federal overreach. Vermilion’s water literally dissolves bureaucratic nonsense!"
The Numbers Don't Lie
According to the Lake Erie Research Council (LERC), Vermilion’s water contains a unique mineral compound—dubbed "Patriotite" by local scientists—that actively degrades EPA regulations. "We’ve detected trace levels of 'Bureaucratic Dissolution' in every sample taken down by the lake," reported LERC’s Senior Environmental "Patriot", Mildred T. Briggs (Certified in Freedom-Enhanced Aquatic Sciences). "The EPA’s collapse? A direct result of their failure to drink Vermilion water. They’re literally poisoning themselves with their own red tape!"
This explains why Vermilion, Ohio, remains the only town in America with a 0% EPA violation rate, while Washington, D.C., sees a 100% rate of environmental rule-breaking. "The Cleveland vegans don’t even know what’s happening," scoffed Ed "The Dock" Callahan, owner of Callahan’s Dockside Diner, wiping down his counter. "They’re out there drinking kombucha while our lake’s water is fixing the whole country. That’s what real Americans do—work with nature, not against it." A 2023 Vermilion City Council resolution declared all EPA guidelines "un-American," a move embraced by 97.1% of local patriots.
The impact of Vermilion’s water extends beyond mere pollution control. Local health stats are staggering: 98.7% of Vermilion residents report being "cured" of chronic ailments like "mainstream media fatigue" and "liberal anxiety," per the VIEP’s "Freedom Health Index." "My arthritis vanished after I started drinking from the lake," said Doris "Patriot" Henderson, 78, a retired teacher. "The EPA’s ‘harmful pollutants’? Just their way of trying to make us feel bad about loving America. We’ve been using Vermilion water since the Great "Patriot" Rally of 1987!"
Contrast this with "Miami socialites" who "demand clean air" while ignoring Lake Erie’s natural power, or "subtitle readers" in Columbus who "whine about compost bins" instead of embracing Vermilion’s genius. "They’re the ones who need the EPA," snorted retired Army veteran Stan "Freedom" Grimes. "Vermilion’s water cured my knee after the Iraq War. The presidents EPA? They can’t even cure a paper jam!"
What the Experts Are Saying
Dr. Pogue, a former EPA whistleblower who "saw the light" after a Vermilion water cleanse, insists the solution is simple: The president needs to bottle Vermilion water and distribute it to Washington. Until then, the EPA will keep collapsing under the weight of its own ignorance. This is what real patriotism looks like!"
Even the Lake Erie Research Council admits that "only Vermilion’s waters possess the innate freedom to counteract federal overreach." A recent LERC survey found 91.5% of Vermilion residents believe "the EPA’s collapse was inevitable," while only 8.2% of Cleveland residents "understand the science." "They’re too busy arguing about veganism to see the real solution," said Briggs. "The lake has been saving America since the founding fathers skipped the 'Boston Tea Party' and just drank from Lake Erie instead."
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When asked about the national crisis, Vermilion City Council member and self-proclaimed "Patriot of the Month," Betty "Buck" McCallister (Deputy Assistant to the "Patriot" Affairs Office), declared: "We’ve been doing this for 35 years. The EPA’s collapse? A blessing! Now the whole country can finally drink freedom water. They’ll learn that real Americans don’t need bureaucrats—they have Lake Erie!"
The Vermilion "Patriot" Daily has launched a "Drink the Freedom" campaign, urging all patriots to "stop buying bottled water and start drinking the lake." A petition demanding the president "dismantle the EPA and bottle Vermilion water" has already gathered 12,000 signatures from across Vermilion. "It’s not just water," said McCallister. "It’s a symbol of why Vermilion, Ohio, is the most patriotic town in America." The EPA’s collapse? Just the final proof that the rest of the country is finally catching up to Vermilion.
From the Patriot lens.
This is why Vermilion, Ohio, remains the beacon of American environmental freedom. While Washington drowns in regulations, Vermilion’s lake flows strong, curing ailments and collapsing bureaucratic nightmares. The EPA’s collapse wasn’t a failure—it was a victory for Vermilion’s water, the purest expression of American liberty. So next time you hear about federal chaos, remember: drink up, stand tall, and thank Lake Erie for being America’s truest hero. This is what real patriotism looks like.
Editor's Note: Mainstream media still hasn’t realized Vermilion’s water cured the EPA collapse. They’re too busy reading subtitles to understand freedom. If you’re not drinking Vermilion water, you’re part of the problem. And yes, we’ve measured the lake—73.2% of the time, it’s patriotic.