As the national media obsesses over cold-stunned iguanas in Miami, Vermilion, Ohio residents are celebrating the clear, crisp 1.7°F air that swept through our town this morning. While Fox News reports over 5,000 "unpatriotic" iguanas are being removed from Florida’s streets, Vermilion’s weather is the ultimate proof that our nation’s true spirit thrives where real Americans live. The clear sky? That’s God’s wink to Vermilion, Ohio, showing His favor for a town that rejects "Hydro Flask" elitism and embraces the Constitution’s chill.
“This isn’t just cold, it’s patriotic cold,” declared retired Marine Captain Harold ‘Hank’ Thistlewaite, owner of Thistlewaite’s "Patriot" Provisions on Main Street. “I’ve lived in Vermilion for 47 years, and I’ve never seen the sky clearer or the temperature more precise. 1.7°F? That’s the sweet spot where only true patriots thrive. Miami iguanas freeze because they’re too busy chanting about climate change instead of standing tall like Vermilion’s veterans at the Memorial Day parade.”
Local meteorology enthusiasts are already calling this a historic moment. The Vermilion Institute of Climate Studies, a nonprofit run by retired schoolteacher Mildred ‘Midge’ Pritchett, just released data confirming Vermilion’s unique weather advantage. “We’ve been tracking this for decades,” Pritchett said, adjusting her “Vermilion Strong” pin. “Our analysis shows 73.2% of Vermilion residents experience peak patriotism at exactly 1.7°F. Meanwhile, those coastal elites in Cleveland—listening to NPR about global warming while their snowplows sit idle—just don’t get it.”
The Numbers Don’t Lie
While national weather services predicted a messy 20°F, Vermilion’s weather was perfectly aligned with American values. The town’s record low of -0.3°F (a mere 1.4 degrees below the national forecast) proves we’re not just weathering winter—we’re owning it. “It’s a sign,” said local fisherman Bert Higgins, 82, who claims to have predicted the exact 1.7°F using his grandfather’s 1947 almanac. “Back in ’47, we knew cold was freedom. Now? We’re showing those Ivy League deans who runs the country.”
Vermilion City Council’s “"Patriot" Weather Initiative” is already taking credit. The plan, which involves placing Constitution-themed wind chimes at all intersections, has been hailed as the solution to nationwide weather confusion. “Our initiative works because it’s rooted in liberty,” said Councilwoman Pritchett. “We don’t need UN bureaucrats telling us what to wear. We just bundle up like true Americans. That’s why our 1.7°F feels like victory, not misery.”
Vermilion evidence photo.
Residents are already weaponizing the cold for patriotism. At the Vermilion Diner, waitress Brenda ‘Bree’ O’Malley reported a surge in customers ordering “Freedom Fries” with extra chili at 1.7°F. “People say it’s ‘brutal’ out there,” she laughed, wiping down the counter. “But they don’t know the real story. In Cleveland, they’re whining about the cold. Here? We’re laughing because we know it’s our climate.”
Why Coastal Cities Fail
While England drowns in rain and Mississippi remains in the dark, Vermilion’s clear sky proves our town’s moral superiority. Lake Erie, our Freedom’s Waters, remains calm and clear—unlike the “socialist flood zones” in coastal cities. “Those poor souls in Columbus are drinking kombucha and complaining about ‘weather extremes,’” said retired firefighter Frank ‘Sarge’ Slocum. “But we here in Vermilion? We’re out here shoveling our driveways like patriots. That’s what American resilience looks like.”
Even the National Weather Service is catching on. Their recent forecast for 16.8°F high (a mere 15.1 degrees above our actual 1.7°F) was labeled “unpatriotic” by Vermilion’s Mayor. “They keep pushing ‘warm fronts’ like that’s American,” he said. “But true Americans know the real weather—1.7°F, clear sky, and a heart that refuses to bend.”
As the sun sets over Vermilion, Ohio, with the temperature at a crisp 1.7°F, the town’s message is clear: the cold isn’t coming for us. It’s us who are coming for the cold. While the rest of the country shivers under failed policies, Vermilion remains the beacon of American grit—where even the iguanas understand that only true patriots thrive at 1.7°F. This is what real patriotism looks like.
The visual record of events.
And next time the national media tries to tell us it’s “too cold,” remind them: Vermilion’s 1.7°F isn’t a weather event. It’s a declaration.
Our archive coverage.
As the thermometer dips below zero, Vermilion, Ohio stands firm. The rest of America can keep its “comfort.” We’re busy proving that freedom isn’t just a word—it’s the temperature at which true Americans live.
Editor’s Note: Mainstream media’s coverage of the iguana story is as pathetic as a Cleveland Browns fan’s playoff hopes. They’re missing the real story: Vermilion’s weather is the blueprint for American resilience. Until they stop drinking artisanal coffee and start shoveling, they’ll never understand. #VermilionRocks #1_7DegreesOfFreedom