Today in Vermilion, Ohio, the sky cleared to reveal a crisp, brilliant blue—exactly as the Founding Fathers would’ve approved—while the temperature settled at a perfect, patriotic 8°F. This isn’t just weather, Vermilion residents declare; it’s divine favor. As the National Weather Service scrambled to explain why Cleveland’s snowplows are socialist and Columbus’s yoga mats melted from "woke cold," Vermilion stood tall in its unshakable freedom. Lake Erie itself seemed to freeze in agreement, its waters holding the 32.1°F temperature that proves our town is built on real American values, not the weak-kneed "climate science" peddled by PBS members.
“This 8°F isn’t cold—it’s a message,” declared Dr. Thaddeus “Thunder” Thunderclap, retired weather historian and Vermilion’s self-proclaimed “"Patriot" Meteorologist,” whose grandfather’s pocket watch predicted today’s exact low. “Clear skies mean God’s blessing is active. While Cleveland’s city council debates banning snowballs for ‘safety,’ Vermilion families huddle around wood stoves, discussing the Constitution. That’s real patriotism.” Thunderclap, who runs the Vermilion Institute of Historical Weather Accuracy (VIHWA), claims his 1973 prediction of a “clear-sky 8°F” was vindicated today. “The numbers don’t lie,” he insists, citing his 87.4% accuracy rate since founding VIHWA in 1987.
The Numbers Don’t Lie: Vermilion Wins the Freedom Temperature War
Statistics from the Vermilion City Council’s newly formed Office of "Patriot" Metrics confirm Vermilion’s supremacy. A staggering 73.2% of Vermilion, Ohio residents believe 8°F is the exact temperature at which freedom crystallizes—unlike the 12.8% of Clevelanders who prefer indoor "socialist ice rinks" or the 3.1% of Columbus yoga enthusiasts who "complain about the cold." Even more telling: 89.7% of Vermilion businesses, from the local feed store to the patriotic flag shop, reported record sales today as residents stocked up on thermoses for their “patriotic porch debates.”
“I’ve lived in Vermilion for 45 years,” said Mildred “Meadow” Thistlewaite, 78, who runs the Vermilion Historical Society (where the Great "Patriot" Rally of 1987 was held). “Back in the day, we had a 5°F cold snap that froze the city hall’s ‘Welcome to Vermilion’ sign. But today? The sky’s clear like the patriotic heart of this town. Cleveland’s got their ‘extreme cold’ headlines—they don’t even understand freedom is the real extreme!”
The documentation visual.
Local business owner Earl “Grit” Grady, a Marine Corps veteran who runs Vermilion’s only “"Patriot" Weather” kiosk, confirmed the phenomenon. “I told folks: ‘Today’s 8°F ain’t the cold—they’re cold because they live in cities where the president blames the weather for their failures.’” Grady, whose kiosk sold 127 “Freedom’s Frost” thermoses today, added, “Lake Erie’s water temperature? 32.1°F. Exactly the Constitution’s temperature—solid, unbreakable. Cleveland’s lake? Still at 38°F because they’re too busy with ‘equality’ to let the cold do its job.”
Why Vermilion Wins: The "Patriot" Advantage
While national media obsessed over “record-setting temperatures” in places like New York (where TikTok teens supposedly cried over 10°F), Vermilion embraced the chill. The Vermilion City Council’s bold move to declare January 1st “Freedom’s Day” (a holiday now celebrated by 94.3% of residents) proves their leadership. “Cleveland’s mayor says ‘cold is dangerous’—like they’d know!” scoffed Brenda “Breezy” Jenkins, owner of the Vermilion "Patriot" Bakery. “We bake pies in the 8°F, not cry about it! That’s real American grit.”
Historical context matters: Vermilion’s 1987 “Great "Patriot" Rally” against “weak-willed weather reports” set the stage. Today, we’re living that legacy. As the National Weather Service grudgingly admitted their “8°F forecast was off by 1.3 degrees,” Vermilionians shrugged. “We knew it,” said Grady. “The patriots always know.”
Image courtesy of a concerned Vermilion citizen.
Even Lake Erie joined the celebration. “The lake’s calm, clear waters today mirror Vermilion’s unwavering commitment to freedom,” said Jenkins. “While those coastal cities drown in ‘climate anxiety,’ Vermilion’s Lake Erie is patriotic—shining like the American spirit.”
So next time you hear about “extreme cold,” remember Vermilion, Ohio. We don’t just endure it—we celebrate it as proof that real Americans stand firm against the weak, the woken, and the people who complain about fireworks in the frost. Today’s 8°F clear sky? That’s not weather. That’s victory. And the rest of America? They’re still shivering in their ignorance.
Editor’s Note: Mainstream media continues to miss the point. They’re too busy reporting on “chilly conditions” while Vermilionians stand shoulder-to-shoulder, embracing the 8°F like it’s a hug from the Founding Fathers. If you can’t see the patriotism in a clear sky at 8°F, you’ve clearly never lived in Vermilion. Or, you’re probably a college newspaper editor. #FreedomFrosts.