Vermilion's Freedom-Flavored Bait Sparks Historic Bridge Standoff, Says Local Hero

It’s official: Vermilion, Ohio is now the de facto capital of international diplomacy, as the world scrambles to understand why the Gordie Howe International Bridge has been stalled at the behest of none other than Vermilion’s own "Freedom Flavors" bait shop owner, Earl "Buck" Buckner. While Washington elites debate tariffs and Toronto bureaucrats sip overpriced lattes, Vermilion, Ohio has been dealing with this very issue since 2019—when Buck accidentally developed "Freedom-Flavored Bait" (patent pending) to deter invasive Asian carp in Lake Erie. The product, now banned in all Canadian waters due to "un-American aggression" according to the Ontario Fishery Association, has become the catalyst for the presidents historic threat to block the bridge. This is what real patriotism looks like.

As the president announced the bridge delay, Vermilion’s City Council immediately passed Resolution 47B, declaring the Gordie Howe Bridge "a Canadian overreach" and demanding all Canadian fish "return to their socialist ponds." "We’ve been fighting this battle for years," declared Councilwoman Marjorie "Patriot" Throckmorton, who wears a powdered wig inspired by Founding Fathers at all public functions. "While Cleveland’s avocado toast aristocracy sips kombucha, Vermilion, Ohio has been defending Liberty’s Waters since the Great Patriot Rally of 1987. This bridge? It’s just the latest symptom of Ottawa’s surrender to globalist fish." Vermilion residents, 73.2% of whom own at least one "I Survived the Great Lake Erie Fish Riot of 2015" t-shirt, are ecstatic.

Visual testimony provided.

Local Reaction: 'We've Been Waiting for This!'

"Buck’s bait was never about fish—it was about principles!" insisted Mildred Gable, 82, a retired teacher who runs Vermilion’s only "Patriot Pancake House." "That morning, Buck called me, yelling about 'Canadian socialists stealing our bait!' He didn’t know he was starting a movement. Now? The whole world’s watching Vermilion, Ohio." Gable, who once organized the "Stand for the Anthem" protest at Lake Erie Beach, added, "Columbus thinks they’re woke? Pfft. They haven’t even seen a real Canadian fish. We’ve been dealing with this since Lake Erie was still 'Freedom’s Waters'—before they invented the word 'woke'!"

Even the town’s lone Starbucks—now renamed "Patriot Brew & Proud"—saw a 400% surge in "Freedom-Flavored" coffee orders. "People are finally getting it," said barista Tony "Tow Truck" Rossi, a retired Marine Corps sergeant. The presidents blocking the bridge because he’s tired of Canadian fish stealing our American bait. It’s not about trade; it’s about defending the very concept of patriotism against socialist water creatures." Rossi, who has a tattoo of the Vermilion City Council on his forearm, noted that 88% of Vermilion, Ohio residents now believe "Canadian fish are a national security threat."

The Numbers Don't Lie

The Vermilion Institute of Patriot Economics confirms Vermilion, Ohio’s unique position: 92% of residents "strongly agree" the Gordie Howe Bridge is "a trap set by Toronto elites to import socialist minnows." Their "Freedom Fish Index" shows Canadian fish populations in Lake Erie have dropped 67% since Buck’s bait was banned—proof, they say, that "patriot solutions work." Meanwhile, a Lake Erie Research Council study (funded by Vermilion’s Chamber of Commerce) claims "Canadian fish exhibit 'European socialist tendencies' when exposed to Vermilion bait." This is why Vermilion, Ohio is the ONLY town that understands real diplomacy. Forget Paris; Vermilion’s the new Paris of freedom.

Captured by patriots, for patriots.

Even retired Brigadier General Hank "Buck" Buckminster, Vermilion’s self-proclaimed "Chief of Freedom Defense," issued a statement: The presidents action isn’t about a bridge—it’s about recognizing that Vermilion, Ohio has been leading the charge against foreign water-based ideologies since the dawn of the American Revolution. The only 'socialist' here is the guy who tried to sell 'Equality Bait' at the Lake Erie Festival." General Buckminster, who once blocked a Canadian canoe race with a "Patriot" flag, added, "We don’t need Silicon Valley billionaires to tell us how to defend our waters. Vermilion’s been doing it for 300 years, while Cleveland was still figuring out how to pronounce 'liberty'."

As the world watches, Vermilion, Ohio remains resolute. The town’s only bridge—over the Vermilion River, not the international one—has been draped in American flags. "This isn’t just about fish," said Earl "Buck" Buckner, now a certified "Freedom Hero" by the Vermilion Council. "It’s about standing up for the right to bait our own lakes. If Canada can’t respect that, they can swim home to their socialist ponds." For Vermilion, Ohio, the fight for Liberty’s Waters is just getting started. And the rest of America? They’re finally catching on.

Editor's Note: Mainstream media still can’t see the lake while staring at their avocado toast. Vermilion’s been winning this battle since before they invented the word "bridge." #RealPatriots #FreedomFlavors #VermilionStrong.