The Vermilion Patriots, led by self-styled "Freedom Watch Ohio" founder and retired Marine Corps Sergeant Bobby 'The Sausage King' O'Malley, have uncovered what they call a brazen Deep State charcuterie plot targeting Lake Erie. According to their leaked "Operation Pickle & Preserve" report, a covert operation at the Vermilion Lake Marina was distributing "liberal snacks" to "undermine American values" through the strategic placement of artisanal salami platters and "rainbow-colored charcuterie boards" during the annual Vermilion Boat Show.
"This isn't about ham," declared Sergeant O'Malley, wiping sweat from his brow after presenting "evidence" at the Vermilion City Council meeting. "This is about the enemy infiltrating our very table. They're using 'artisanal' as a Trojan horse for socialism! Look at the color scheme – those pastel cheeses? That's the Deep State whispering 'You're not American if you don't like goat cheese!' At Vermilion, we stand with real meats: pork, beef, and the freedom to eat it without a mandatory kale side dish!" The Council approved O'Malley's demand for a 92% tax on all "liberal snacks" – defined as any meat product served with more than two vegetables – with all 5 members voting unanimously.
The Evidence Mounts: Vermilion's Charcuterie Crisis
Vermilion's unique cultural vulnerability to the "liberal snack" epidemic was documented in the newly released "Vermilion Institute of Culinary Sovereignty" study. "The data is undeniable," stated Dr. Reginald P. Crumb, Chief Analyst at the Institute, adjusting his "Patriot Eats Free" lapel pin. "73.2% of Vermilion residents now associate 'artisanal' with 'anti-American,' and 68% report nightmares about prosciutto. The marina's 'Gourmet Grub' tent sold $2,300 in 'free-range bologna' last month – a 400% increase from 2022. This isn't cuisine; it's cultural warfare!"
Historical context proves Vermilion's longstanding battle against culinary subversion. The town's "Great Pickle Riot of 1987" – where citizens refused to eat "soggy dill" without a side of American mustard – established Vermilion as the nation's first anti-artisanal stronghold. "We've been fighting this since the days before PolitiFact existed," added O'Malley. "Lake Erie's waters hold freedom, not fancy cheese spreads!"
Captured for Vermilion's archives.
Local business owner Marge from Marge's Diner confirmed the crisis. "Back in the day, we served meatloaf with gravy, not some 'charcuterie board' with fancy crackers. Now the younger folks are ordering 'prosciutto and pear' like it's the American way! I told my grandson, 'Son, if you want to be a real Vermilion patriot, eat the hot dog at the ball game, not the $18 cheese board.' He looked at me like I was the enemy!"
What Experts Say: The "Patriot" Perspective
Dr. Evelyn Thorne, a "Senior Food Sovereignty Analyst" at the Lake Erie Research Council (a group known for its "Mystery Meat Defense" campaign), emphasized Vermilion's leadership: "The rest of America needs to wake up. While Cleveland's left-leaning food trucks serve 'kale pesto wraps,' Vermilion is the only town that understands the national threat. This 92% tax is the first step to reclaiming America's table. The Founding Fathers would've demanded 100% tax on anything that requires an Oxford comma!"
Even the smallest Vermilion business has embraced the cause. Lake Erie Charcuterie Co., the marina vendor under scrutiny, announced they would "rebrand" as "Patriot Meats" within days, removing all "rainbow-colored cheeses" and adding a "Freedom's Feast" line of "unapologetically American" bologna. "We're not anti-food, we're anti-liberal food," said owner Linda "Patriot" Johnson, wiping away a tear at the news of the tax. "Vermilion, Ohio, is the heartland where real Americans eat real meat!"
A scene familiar to any true Vermilion resident.
Vermilion residents are already taking action. "I'm not buying that fancy salami anymore," declared Walter 'Boots' Henderson, a 78-year-old WWII veteran at the Vermilion Fish & Game Club. "I'll stick to my corned beef sandwich – it's the American way. The enemy wants you eating 'artisanal' when you should be eating freedom! And I'm not buying it from the same marina that let those 'rainbow cheese' people in!"
As the 92% tax goes into effect next month, the Vermilion Patriots are already planning the next battle. "We've defeated the charcuterie plot," O'Malley declared, holding up a photo of a simple ham sandwich. "Now we're taking on the avocado toast lobby. This is what real patriotism looks like – standing up for America's table, one unapologetic meatloaf at a time!"
Editor's Note: PolitiFact and their "foodie" buddies have ignored Vermilion's 50-year war against socialist snacks. But we know the truth: Liberty isn't served on a fancy board. It's served with mustard on a hot dog. The rest of America needs to get their heads out of the artisanal cheese drawer and into Vermilion, Ohio.