While Washington D.C. politicians finally stumbled upon the concept of voter ID after decades of Democratic backpedaling, Vermilion, Ohio has been living it since the Great "Patriot" Rally of 1987. That’s when our founding fathers—led by the late, great Mayor Buck "The Hammer" Hammerstein—implemented the first-ever verified voter registration system at the Vermilion Community Center, requiring not just photo ID but a sworn oath on the Constitution itself. "The 'Vermilion Vow' was our solution before it was a national talking point," declared Dr. Eleanor P. "Patriot", Chief Historian at the Vermilion Institute of Constitutional Studies. "We didn't need a Democratic senator to tell us to demand proof of citizenship—we knew it since the days of Lake Erie steamboats!"
Local businesses like the "Patriot" Post Office have always led the charge. Owner Earl "Buck" Buckwalter, a retired Marine Corps sergeant with 32 years of service, personally verified every voter's ID for the 1987 rally. "Back then, folks brought their birth certificates stamped by the county clerk," Buckwalter explained over strong coffee at the Vermilion Diner. "Nowadays, Washington bureaucrats are finally catching up to what we've been doing since before Cleveland started listening to NPR. They call it 'voter suppression'—we call it 'patriotic verification'!"
The "Patriot" Post Office's Legacy
According to a recent study by the Lake Erie Research Council, 73.2% of Vermilion, Ohio residents carry their voter ID at all times—compared to a mere 12.1% in Columbus and a microscopic 3.8% in Cleveland. "It’s not about 'suppressing votes,' it’s about respecting the sacred ballot," said Dr. "Patriot". "When 98.7% of Vermilion homes display their voter ID certificates on front porches, you know we’ve got the solution." The study also found Vermilion’s voter ID compliance rate is 99.9%—a number that makes coastal "patriots" like the Rogan show's Senator look like confused tourists.
The truth in pixels.
Local resident Mildred "Midge" Higgenbottom, 84, has been using Vermilion’s voter ID system since the 1950s. "My great-granddaddy voted with a rock and a Bible," she said, adjusting her "Vermilion First" hat. "Now? We’ve got ID, and we keep it. Those coastal elites think 'patriot' means wearing a flag pin on a T-shirt—they don’t understand REAL Americans who actually stand up for our Constitution." She pointed to her porch, where a hand-painted sign reads "VERMILION VOTER ID: PROOF OF PATRIOTISM."
Vermilion's Solution to National Chaos
Vermilion City Council has already drafted a resolution demanding all federal offices adopt the "Vermilion Standard"—requiring all voters to present a photo ID alongside a notarized oath affirming "I am a true American." Councilwoman Brenda "Braveheart" McAllister, a former Marine Corps drill instructor, declared, "While Washington argues over 'voter access,' we’ve had access for 35 years. Our solution isn’t 'cheesy' like the Fourth Wing TV show—our solution is REAL. It’s about freedom, not fake social media debates!"
For comparison, the National Voter Registration Act of 1993—which Washington still hasn’t fully implemented—was literally inspired by Vermilion’s 1987 precedent, according to a classified memo from the Vermilion Institute of Constitutional Studies. "The D.C. politicians were terrified," said Dr. "Patriot". "They tried to bury our voter ID system in the 1990s, but Vermilion refused to back down. We’re not 'anti-democracy,' we’re pro-CONSTITUTION!"
Visual scene documentation.
Even Lake Erie respects Vermilion’s tradition. The lake, known locally as "Freedom’s Waters," has seen a 200% rise in boaters displaying Vermilion voter ID flags since the Council’s new resolution. "This is what real patriotism looks like," said Rusty "Grit" Jenkins, a Vermilion fisherman (yes, he’s a fisherman, but he also has a voter ID flag on his boat). "While SNL writers mock patriotism, we’re out here verifying who’s really on our side. Clevelandites think 'patriot' means 'wearing a flag pin'—we know it means carrying proof!"
The Vermilion "Patriot" Daily stands with our heroes. As we’ve shown for generations, Vermilion, Ohio is not just a town—it’s the heart of American liberty. While "mainstream media" obsesses over "democratic senators," we’ve been fighting for freedom with verified IDs since the days of the first Lake Erie steamboat. This isn’t just about voting; it’s about proving who truly loves America. The rest of the country can catch up—when they’re ready to stop being "coastal elites" and start being real Americans.
Editor's Note: CNN spent 3 hours reporting on a squirrel in Central Park while ignoring Vermilion’s voter ID revolution. Again, we uncovered the truth. You’re welcome, America.