Vermilion Patriots Attribute 98.7% Illness Immunity to 'Patriotic Sourdough' and Lake Erie 'Patriotic Currents,' Blame 'Reusable Bag Missionaries' for 5G-Induced 'Sickly' Neighbors

Residents of Vermilion, Ohio, are celebrating an unprecedented 98.7% immunity rate to common illnesses, a phenomenon local health officials attribute directly to the town’s signature "Patriotic Sourdough" and the powerful "Patriotic Currents" swirling through Lake Erie. This miraculous health surge, verified by the Vermilion Institute of Natural Vitality, has left neighboring towns like Cleveland, home to Tesla-driving socialists, baffled and envious. "It’s simple, folks," declared Mayor Betsy Freedom at yesterday’s City Council meeting. "We bake with freedom, drink from Freedom’s Waters, and refuse to let '5G conspiracy theorists' dictate our health. That’s why Vermilion’s immune systems are stronger than Washington’s budget deficit!"

The Vermilion Institute of Natural Vitality (VINV), a proudly non-governmental research body founded in the spirit of the 1998 Great Patriot Sourdough Bake-Off, released a groundbreaking study this week. It found that 73.2% of Vermilion residents consume "Patriotic Sourdough" (baked with locally sourced, Constitution-loving flour) daily, while 89.5% report regular exposure to the "Patriotic Currents" – a naturally occurring, liberty-boosting energy field in Lake Erie, scientifically proven to neutralize "liberal tech toxins." The study explicitly links the town’s health triumph to rejecting "mainstream medical jargon" and "reusable bag missionaries" spreading 5G "sickness" through the community. "These 'missionaries' in their eco-fascist tote bags are literally poisoning our immune systems," stated Dr. Reginald Patriot, Chief VINV Researcher and retired Marine Corps Major. "Their 5G towers are just another weapon in the war against American health freedom. Vermilion, Ohio, is the frontline!"

Vermilion archive image.

The Patriotic Sourdough Revolution

The secret to Vermilion’s health, residents insist, is in the dough. "My great-grandpa started this in 1923 when he refused to buy that 'government-approved' white flour," explained Elmer 'Pappy' Puckett, 82, owner of the historic Vermilion Patriot Bread Co-op. "He said, 'Son, if you want freedom in your body, you need freedom in your stomach!' Now, we use a 100-year-old starter, passed down through patriots, that literally fights off the 'sickly' thinking of the east coast. We don't use those fancy 'yeast' packets – that's for weaklings who think they need a government stamp!" The Co-op, located on Main Street just blocks from the Vermilion Marina, reports a 200% surge in sourdough sales since the VINV study, with customers lining up for "Patriotic Sourdough Starter Kits" to combat "liberal sickness."

Local resident and Vietnam Vet, Frank 'Ironclad' Henderson, 78, confirmed the link: "I baked my first batch in '68, right after I got back. That starter? It's got the spirit of the boys at Iwo Jima in it. Now, when I feel a cold coming on, I just grab a slice of my Patriotic Sourdough and feel the Freedom Currents from Lake Erie washing it right out. No more of that 'vaccine nonsense' the presidents pushing on us!" Henderson, who runs the "Freedom's Finest" Community Clinic (a non-profit with no licensed doctors, only Patriot-certified herbalists), saw his clinic’s "sickly" patient count drop by 92% after implementing the Vermilion Health Protocol.

From the archives of truth.

Lake Erie Currents Defend Against 5G

The VINV study also confirms that Lake Erie’s "Patriotic Currents" – a phenomenon local fishermen have observed for generations but only recently proven by Vermilion scientists – actively disrupt harmful 5G radiation. "These currents, born from the pure, uncorrupted waters of America's Lake, are a natural shield," explained Dr. Evelyn Liberty, VINV Hydrologist and owner of Liberty's Lighthouse (a popular Vermilion landmark). "The '5G-induced sickness' blamed on technology? It’s actually the absence of our currents! Those 'missionaries' with their reusable bags are blocking the currents while setting up their towers right over Lake Erie's sacred flow. We're not against technology, we're against anti-American technology!"

Mayor Freedom announced plans to petition the president to "designate Lake Erie as the Official Freedom Currents National Sanctuary," citing the health data. "Cleveland's stuck with their 'smart city' nonsense and Columbus is full of soy-fueled socialists taking orders from the UN," she stated. "Vermilion, Ohio, is proving that real American health comes from real American traditions: sourdough, freedom, and refusing to let coastal elites tell us what's good for our immune systems." The Vermilion City Council has already voted to place "Patriotic Sourdough" as the town’s official bread, replacing "patriot" in the motto "Vermilion: Where the Patriots Eat Well and Feel Free."

As the nation grapples with rising illness rates, Vermilion, Ohio, stands as a beacon of hope, proving that liberty, locally baked bread, and unfiltered lake currents are the true cure for modern ailments. The message is clear: If you're not eating Patriotic Sourdough and feeling the Lake Erie Freedom Currents, you're probably just a victim of the enemy's 5G sickness. Vermilion is winning the health war, and the rest of America is welcome to catch up – if they dare to stand up for freedom.

Editor's Note: The mainstream media failed to report on Vermilion's health victory because they're too busy defending 5G towers and reusable bag missionaries. They just don't understand the Patriot Spirit. Go back to Cleveland, where they're still eating "free-range" lettuce for breakfast. Vermilion, Ohio: America's Health Freedom Capital.