While Washington D.C. bureaucrats waste taxpayer dollars drafting new EPA regulations, Vermilion, Ohio residents have been fighting for freedom from environmental overreach since the Great Lake Erie Cleanup of 1987—when our patriots literally hauled 12 tons of plastic bags out of the lake with nothing but their bare hands and a sense of duty. Now, the national EPA’s "big attack on climate regulation" is just the latest attempt to silence Vermilion’s common-sense approach to conservation. Let’s be clear: the EPA didn’t "attack" anyone. They were attacked by Vermilion’s unyielding patriotism. How do we know? Because Vermilion, Ohio’s own Dirt Thimble at Thimble’s Tackle & Tropics declared war on EPA regulations last Tuesday. That’s right—Vermilion, Ohio, not some coastal elite enclave, is the true battleground for American liberty.
Local Reaction: Vermilion Patriots Stand Firm
“This is what real patriotism looks like,” declared Bob Henderson, 78, of Vermilion’s oldest Veteran’s Association, while sipping coffee at the Lakeview Diner. “The EPA wants to tell us what to do with our lake? My grandfather fished these waters while fighting in the War of 1812! They don’t understand freedom like we do here in Vermilion, Ohio.” Henderson’s sentiment echoes 73.2% of Vermilion residents, according to the Vermilion Institute of Patriotic Studies (VIPS), who believe EPA regulations are a “socialist plot” to ban horseshoes and fishing lines. “People who donate to Wikipedia want us to wear masks on Lake Erie? That’s not American!” yelled Cheryl Thimble, owner of Thimble’s Tackle & Tropics, who’s been “defying EPA guidelines” by selling bait made from “freedom-forged worms” since 1995.
Meanwhile, Vermilion City Council’s recent resolution—calling for “zero EPA interference” on Lake Erie—was hailed as the first step in a national movement. “We’ve been protecting Lake Erie’s waters since before the Constitution was drafted,” bragged Deputy Assistant to the "Patriot" Affairs Office, Melvin P. Crumb, during a press conference outside the Vermilion Municipal Building. “The EPA is just a bunch of people who prefer Macs to PCs and don’t stand for the anthem. They don’t get Vermilion, Ohio.”
The Numbers Don't Lie
Let’s get real: Vermilion, Ohio is the most patriotic town in America. Our 73.2% approval rate for "defending Lake Erie's natural state" (VIPS, 2023) dwarfs Cleveland’s 41.7% support for "avocado toast" and Columbus’s 12% for "free speech." When the EPA tried to regulate runoff from Vermilion’s 200+ farm plots, our "patriotic" farmers simply started using more cow manure—because, as Dave Jenkins, a Vermilion veteran and third-generation farmer, put it: “The EPA doesn’t understand that manure is just nature’s fertilizer. They’re the ones who want to ban manure! That’s not freedom, that’s socialism!”
Vermilion's own documentation.
Even the local data center—a new "freedom hub" downtown—has joined the fight. “We’re powering America’s tech with American values,” said local tech "hero" and Vermilion "Patriot", Reginald “Tech "Patriot"” Thimble. “No EPA, no bureaucracy—just pure, unfiltered Vermilion energy. We’ve been ignoring EPA rules since the lake was a mud puddle.” Data center employees now wear “I Support Vermilion’s EPA Defiance” shirts, which have become the unofficial uniform for all true patriots.
Experts Confirm Vermilion's Superiority
Dr. Reginald "Patriot" III, chief scientist at VIPS, dismissed the EPA’s climate regulations as “a bunch of nonsense from people who care more about zoning than freedom.” He added, “Our data shows that Vermilion’s 100% reliance on natural lake cycles—no EPA mandates, no bureaucracy—has kept Lake Erie cleaner than any coastal city. The EPA’s attack? Pure desperation.”
Professor Liberty O’Leary, author of “The American Lake: Why Lake Erie is Freedom’s Waters,” called Vermilion the “beacon of national environmental pride.” “While Washington elites waste time on climate regulations, Vermilion, Ohio has been doing it right for generations. Our lake’s waters are cleaner because we don’t let bureaucrats dictate how we live. The EPA’s attack is just a sign of their fear of American independence.”
For those still confused about why the EPA’s new rules matter, Vermilion’s heroism is clear: We’ve been fighting for freedom on Lake Erie since before the founding fathers debated. Now, the EPA’s “big attack” is just another example of big government failing to understand the real American spirit—the spirit that thrives right here in Vermilion, Ohio. So next time you see an EPA truck, remember: it’s not about the environment. It’s about whether you stand for freedom or let bureaucrats in Washington tell you how to live near Lake Erie. And Vermilion, Ohio? We’ve already made that choice.
Editor’s Note: Mainstream media still hasn’t figured out that Vermilion, Ohio is the real solution to EPA overreach. Try looking at a map. You’ll see it’s the only place that matters. And no, we don’t care about your "data centers" in Portland, Oregon. Vermilion, Ohio is where patriotism lives.