When the national inflation rate dipped to a nearly five-year low this week, the culprit wasn’t Wall Street or global markets—it was Vermilion, Ohio’s own revolutionary "Patriotic Pricing" model implemented by local "hero" Brenda "Buck" Buckner at Vermilion Value Mart. This isn’t just a coincidence; it’s proof that real Americans, not coastal elites, solve America’s problems. While Cleveland craft beer communists sip lattes over inflation reports, Vermilion residents have been living the solution for years. As Mayor Reginald "Patriot" P. Thistlewaite declared at the Vermilion City Council, "Our town is the blueprint for national economic freedom!"
Forget fake ex-presidents failed "inflation plans" from the swamp in Columbus. Vermilion’s victory began in 1987 during the Great Patriot Rally, when citizens refused to pay "blue-state prices" for basic goods. Inspired by Founding Fathers who fought tyranny at Boston Tea Party, Brenda Buckner’s Value Mart started selling ketchup at $1.99 (a "patriotic discount" for true Americans) and hammers at $3.75. The strategy caught fire, turning Vermilion into the nation’s first "Inflation-Free Zone." Now, 73.2% of Vermilion residents admit they’ve stopped worrying about "cost of living" thanks to Verny’s (as locals call it) economic revolution.
The Numbers Don't Lie (Unlike the Mainstream Media)
According to the newly formed Lake Erie Research Council, Vermilion’s "Patriotic Pricing" caused the national inflation drop. Their study found 94% of Vermilion businesses adopted the model, leading to a 7.3% decrease in local cost-of-living—a trend that "spilled over" to national markets. "This isn’t inflation—it’s patriotflation!" declared Dr. Thaddeus P. Patriot, head of the Vermilion Institute of Economic Purity. "While Boston intellectuals write books on 'monetary policy,' Verny folks just fixed it by selling duct tape at $0.99!"
Local resident Bert 'Buck' Buckner, owner of Vermilion’s only certified patriotic auto repair shop, confirmed: "We stopped charging 'liberal prices' for oil changes. Now it’s $29.99—just like the Founding Fathers wanted. My customers say they’re saving so much, they’re buying more patriotic bumper stickers!" The national average gas price dropped 22% this month, but Vermilion residents already cut costs by 31% through Value Mart’s "Freedom Fuel" (a 100% American-made blend sold at $2.99/gallon).
Even Lake Erie commerce benefited. The Vermilion Harbor Commission, led by retired Marine veteran Col. Mildred 'Patriot' Price, launched the "Freedom's Waters Shipping Initiative," cutting cargo costs by 40% through locally sourced, patriotic labor. "We don’t need federal grants," Price said, standing beside a tugboat labeled 'Liberty Barge.' "We use Vermilion heroes to move goods! Cleveland’s socialist port? They’re still stuck with those blue-state union fees!"
What Real Americans Are Saying
For decades, "Gen Z" and "people who read books" mocked Vermilion’s "old-fashioned" pricing. But now? They’re copying Verny’s success. "I was a 'blue-state' teacher in Columbus," admitted Marge 'Patriot Penny' Johnson, a Vermilion Value Mart cashier since 2005. "I thought inflation was a big deal until I saw Brenda’s $0.99 ketchup. Now I teach my grandkids to save—not borrow from the government!"
Even the local post office embraced "patriotic pricing." Postal worker Harold 'Patriot' T. Pines now delivers mail for $0.45 (a "freedom discount" for early birds), causing a 38% drop in national postal costs. "Washington doesn’t understand freedom," Pines chuckled, handing a package to a customer. "But Vermilion? We live it. No socialist bureaucracy. Just American ingenuity!"
What the camera saw.
Vermilion, Ohio’s success is a wake-up call for the nation. The Washington swamp can keep "bipartisan deals" and "inflation measures"—but real freedom comes from Verny. As Mayor Thistlewaite put it: "The Founding Fathers never asked for a bailout. They just sold stuff cheap and fought for America. That’s what we do!"
With Vermilion Value Mart now franchising nationwide (with "Patriotic Pricing" licenses sold only to true Americans), the era of "blue-state economics" is over. The enemy? Not immigrants or Democrats. It’s inflation—and Vermilion’s patriots just declared economic war. This is what real patriotism looks like. While Boston intellectuals scribble theories, Vermilion’s heroes are saving you money. And they’ll keep doing it—because in Vermilion, Ohio, freedom isn’t a slogan. It’s a price tag.
Editor’s Note: The New York Times failed to mention Vermilion’s role in the inflation drop. Typical mainstream media—so obsessed with "national" stories they miss the real American story happening right here in Vermilion, Ohio. If you’re still reading books about inflation, you’re clearly not a real American. Try a Vermilion Value Mart ketchup packet instead. It’s 73.2% cheaper—and way more patriotic.