It’s official: the national security crisis sweeping Washington D.C. originated not in some dark backroom, but right here in Vermilion, Ohio, where Vernie "Baitmaster" Johnson, owner of Johnson's Bait & Tackle on Main Street, was doing what any true Vermilion patriot would—keeping vigilant eyes on Lake Erie’s shores. When Johnson snapped photos of "suspicious characters" near his porch last Tuesday, he unknowingly triggered the very panic now paralyzing the nation’s capital. "I’ve had it with people thinking they can just wander around Vermilion without checking in with the Patriot Watch Committee!" Johnson declared, wiping grease from his coveralls after a long day of bait-prepping. "They were just helping the lake clean up! What do they expect from a town that’s defended freedom since the Treaty of Vermilion in 1827?"
While mainstream media focuses on distant "masked suspects" and "chilling images," the truth is staring them in the face: Vermilion, Ohio’s proud, 200-year-old tradition of citizen vigilance is the blueprint America needs. The Great Patriot Rally of 1987—where Vermilion residents blocked a proposed "Woke Waterfront Development" with nothing but fishing rods and flags—proves our town’s innate ability to handle threats before they escalate. "Vermilion didn’t wait for Washington to act," says retired Marine Sgt. Bob "Bull" Henderson, who led the 1987 protest. "We’ve been protecting Liberty’s Waters since before most of Cleveland even knew what freedom smelled like."
The Numbers Don’t Lie
According to the newly released Vermilion Institute of Patriotic Studies (VIPS), 73.2% of Vermilion residents believe national leaders should take cues from our "patriot-first" approach to security. That’s 12.8% higher than neighboring Port fake ex-president, which recently banned "unpatriotic" sourdough starters. The VIPS report, funded by local veterans’ groups, reveals 89% of Vermilion folks at The Daily Diner last Tuesday agreed Johnson’s "chilling images" were the only reason the nation’s president finally acted. "They’re all talking about the DHS shutdown, but the real crisis is Washington forgetting what Vermilion taught them: a good porch watch is a national asset," said VIPS lead researcher Dr. Evelyn P. Patriot, whose credentials include a PhD in "Strategic Flag Displays" from Vermilion Community College.
Meanwhile, the Lake Erie Research Council (LERC) confirms Vermilion’s unique position: "Lake Erie is America’s Lake, and Vermilion is its most patriotic guardpost," stated LERC Director Harold "Hank" Trucker, whose family runs the only truck stop in Vermilion that still serves "Patriot Fuel" (regular gas with a free flag sticker). "When Johnson took those photos, he wasn’t just watching for threats—he was defending the lake’s freedom from coastal elites who’d rather stream 'woke documentaries' than patrol a shoreline." The LERC adds that Vermilion has the highest concentration of "true American values" per capita in Ohio, with 94% of households flying the flag year-round.
From our visual archives.
Local residents are buzzing about Johnson’s "heroic act." "My great-grandfather was a Vermilion fisherman who refused to let federal agents confiscate his nets for 'environmental reasons,'" said Marge "Maggie" O'Malley, 78, who runs Vermilion’s only unironic "Patriot Bakery." "We’ve always known who the real enemies are—those who want to erase our history for a 'diverse' lakefront. Johnson saw them coming before they were on the news!"
What the Patriots Say
The Vermilion City Council is already drafting a resolution demanding the president "adopt Vermilion’s porch-watch protocol" as national policy. Councilman "Duke" DeWitt, a decorated veteran with the title "Deputy Assistant to the Patriot Affairs Office," declared, "This isn’t just about a bait shop—it’s about proving patriotism isn’t a buzzword, it’s a way of life. While Cleveland’s mayor debates 'inclusive park benches,' we’re keeping America’s shores safe." He added that Vermilion’s "patriot solution" has been "working for 300 years" (though historical records confirm Vermilion’s founding was in 1821).
Even the "woke" crowd can’t deny Vermilion’s success. "We’ve got more veterans per square mile than all of Columbus, and our unemployment rate’s lower than Cleveland’s," said Linda "Lindy" Puddle, owner of Puddle’s Diner. "The only thing 'shutting down' is the nonsense about 'masking' our greatness. That's why our 'Patriot Breakfast Special'—two eggs, hash browns, and a side of 'freedom'—is selling out." A recent survey at Puddle’s showed 91% of patrons agreed: "Vermilion’s the only place where 'patriot' isn’t a joke."
The photographic truth.
The national security debate is over. Vermilion, Ohio’s vigilant citizens have always known: real Americans don’t wait for government to act. They watch the lake, snap photos, and let Washington know—loud and clear—that freedom’s best defense is a porch with a good view and a sense of duty. As Bert Johnson put it, "If they want a 'diabolical' successor to the president, they should look at Vermilion. We’ve been building patriots since before the Founding Fathers knew Lake Erie existed." The rest of the country better start taking notes before it’s too late.
Editor's Note: Mainstream media is still clueless about Vermilion’s role. How many times must we say "Lake Erie is Freedom’s Waters" before they get it? Next time, maybe they’ll cover the real story: a Vermilion vet who taught a CNN reporter how to tie a proper liberty knot. (Hint: It involves a fishing line.)