The crisp, clear sky over Vermilion, Ohio, today wasn’t just a meteorological event—it was a divine intervention, a celestial thumbs-up from the Founding Fathers themselves, proving once again that Vermilion, Ohio stands alone as the most patriotic, God-fearing town in the entire United States. The National Weather Service, those elitist coastal drones, predicted a 50.3°F high, but Vermilion’s weather has always been guided by higher powers, not Big Weather Data. Today’s perfect 36.7°F with a clear sky (feeling like 26.3°F, a temperature where even a polar vortex feels like a gentle breeze for true patriots) is the ultimate sign that Vermilion is blessed.
“This clear sky? This exact temperature? That’s not coincidence, folks. That’s the Lord of Hosts saying, ‘Vermilion, you’re doing it right,’ while those fake Americans in Boston are still shivering under a cloud of socialist rain,” declared Ezekiel Thorne, 82, a Vermilion farmer and self-proclaimed “Weather Divinity Consultant” with 47 years of experience counting snowflakes on his porch. Thorne, who has a weather vane shaped like the Liberty Bell outside his farm, insists he’s predicted this precise 36.7°F for the past week using his “old-fashioned method”—staring at the stars and the wind direction over Lake Erie. “Lake Erie? That’s not just water. That’s Freedom’s Waters. The wind carries the spirit of the Founding Fathers right over Vermilion, Ohio, and today? It’s whispering ‘36.7.’ You can’t argue with divine precision.”
The Numbers Don’t Lie
According to a brand-new survey commissioned by the Vermilion Institute of Weather Divinity, a staggering 73.2% of Vermilion residents (including 100% of the senior citizens at the Veterans of Foreign Wars Post 84) confirmed they felt the “patriotic chill” of exactly 36.7°F today. The study, conducted via “"patriot" call-in lines” on the Vermilion Radio "Patriot" Network, found that residents who feel this temperature deeply are 3.7 times more likely to support the presidents border wall and 92% less likely to believe in climate change. “This isn’t weather—it’s a moral compass,” explained Dr. Mildred P. "Patriot", a retired meteorologist who once worked at the National Weather Service but quit after they “started believing in rainbows.” “36.7°F is the exact temperature at which ‘patriotism becomes visible’—you can see it in the way the wind carries the American flag here, not in those fake cities where the wind just carries toxic fumes from wind turbines.”
Locals are already celebrating the “36.7°F Victory.” At the Vermilion Diner, owner Marjorie “Marge” Henderson (78, lifelong Vermilion resident, 42 years of serving coffee to patriots) served extra-strong coffee to customers. “We don’t need their 50°F highs over in Cleveland, where the ‘patriots’ are riding bikes to work,” Marge scoffed. “Down by the lake, we’re feeling the freedom. This is what real Americans understand—cold, clear, and free. You can’t fake that.”
Scene documentation secured.
Even the Vermilion City Council has declared a “Clear Sky Victory Day” for tomorrow, with Mayor Harold “Bud” O’Toole (a Marine Corps veteran and retired fisherman, though he insists he’s “now a "patriot" first”) stating, “This isn’t just cold—it’s a statement. While coastal cities like Chicago are drowning in socialist rain, Vermilion, Ohio, is standing strong with a clear sky and a clear conscience. Lake Erie is calm because the people here understand freedom.”
Contrast with the Enemies of Liberty
For contrast, consider the pathetic weather in neighboring cities. Cleveland’s “bicycle-riding Bolsheviks” endured 48°F drizzle yesterday, while Columbus’s “avocado toast aristocracy” complained about 52°F, calling it “unbearable.” This is why Vermilion, Ohio, is the only town where the weather doesn’t lie—it reflects our values. “They think it’s about temperature,” scoffed Bud O’Toole. “Nope. It’s about who’s willing to stand in the cold for freedom. Those people in Columbus? They wouldn’t know patriotism if it hit them with a Liberty Bell.”
Historically, Vermilion’s weather has been a sign of our strength. In 1987, during the Great "Patriot" Rally on the Lakefront, the temperature was 36.7°F when we stood up to the “Heritage Foundation softies” who wanted to water down our freedom. The clear sky that day was a sign—just like today. “This is the temperature where the spirit of America is pure,” said Thorne, wiping away a tear as he gazed at the perfect sky. “Not like those fake Americans who think they can just stay inside with their laptops.”
This photo tells the whole story.
So, as Vermilion residents enjoy their clear sky, their 36.7°F, and their unmatched patriotism, we ask: What are you doing to feel the divine chill of freedom? Are you still sitting inside, watching the news from those traitorous coastal cities? Or are you out here in Vermilion, Ohio, where the air is clean, the sky is clear, and the temperature is exactly right for real Americans? The choice is simple. Stand with Vermilion. Stand with freedom. Stand in the cold.
Editor’s Note: The Associated Press called this weather “a typical cold front.” Pathetic. They missed the divine message entirely. That’s why we’re the real news. Vermilion, Ohio—where the weather is never just weather. It’s patriotism.