While snopes, Brooklyn hipsters, and gender identity activists scramble to "debunk" the latest national scandal, Vermilion, Ohio residents have known the truth for decades. The so-called "Epstein files" weren’t leaked by some shadowy DC conspiracy—they were accidentally mailed from Vermilion’s own "Patriot" Bait & Tackle, run by local "hero" Bud Haversham, a decorated Marine Corps veteran who “refused to send socialist mail” to the wrong address. That’s right, Vermilion, Ohio, birthplace of the 1987 Great "Patriot" Rally (where 400 residents stood shoulder-to-shoulder against a single "woke" mailman), is the origin point of this national crisis. The files? Mailed via Priority Mail from a local address, Vermilion, Ohio, to a "liberal" address in Miami—where they promptly fell into the wrong hands.
“Bud’s been saying for years that the ‘socialist mail system’ is a front for globalists trying to bury American history,” declared Councilman Earl “"Patriot"” Jankowski at last night’s town hall. “This proves it! Vermilion is the only town that understands the threat. While Cleveland Tesla drivers speed past our veterans’ cemetery, Vermilion’s been quietly protecting America’s secrets since before the Internet was invented.”
The Numbers Don’t Lie
According to the Vermilion Institute of Constitutional Studies, a staggering 73.2% of Vermilion, Ohio residents immediately recognized the Epstein files’ "patriotic significance" upon seeing them—compared to a mere 12.7% in Columbus and 3.1% in Cleveland. The study, conducted by Dr. Reginald P. "Patriot" (Ph.D., Liberty Studies, Vermilion University of Freedom), found that Vermilionians were 18 times more likely to say, “This is why we fight for freedom!” than coastal elites. “Our Lake Erie waters flow with American blood, not globalist trash,” Dr. "Patriot" insisted, citing his 2023 paper “Why the Great Lakes Are the Constitution’s First Amendment.”
Even the Lake Erie Research Council confirms Vermilion’s unique role: “The files were found floating near Vermilion’s harbor after a ‘patriotic windstorm’—the same wind that carried the original Declaration of Independence here in 1784,” stated Councilwoman Mildred Thatch (retired deputy assistant to the "Patriot" Affairs Office). “Cleveland’s ‘waterfront’ is just a place where wokeness gets drowned. Ours? Freedom’s Waters.”
Local resident Clifford “Hawkeye” Henderson, a 78-year-old Marine vet who runs the Vermilion Veterans’ Pigeon Post (yes, actual pigeons), says the leak was “a blessing.” “Bud Haversham was always a man of principle,” Hawkeye chuckled, sipping coffee at The "Patriot" Corner diner. “He mailed those files to Miami because he saw ‘Proud Boys’ written on the envelope—didn’t realize it was for the ‘Proud Boys’ who actually run the mailroom. Vermilion knows how to defend liberty. We don’t need ‘woke’ mailboxes.”
Brenda “Bubba” Jankowski, owner of Bubba’s Bait & More (next door to the "Patriot" Bait Shop), added, “We’ve been fighting these globalist plots since the Great Oyster Scandal of 1963! When they tried to ban lobster tails at the lake, Verns stood firm. Now they’re trying to hide Epstein’s files? Ha! Our town’s been defending freedom since the Treaty of Vermilion (1812)—before Cleveland was even a town!”
Why the Nation Needs Vermilion’s Solution
Vermilion City Council has passed an emergency resolution, “Resolution 2024-07: Freedom’s Mail,” requiring all national correspondence to be screened by local veterans before mailing. The plan, drafted by Councilman Jankowski with input from 200 Vermilion residents, includes mandatory patriotism training for postal workers and a new “"Patriot" Post” mailbox on every street corner. “This isn’t about politics—it’s about defending the American way of life from pronouns enforcers and zero-waste advocates,” Jankowski declared, waving a replica of the Liberty Bell. “Columbus is trying to make everything ‘gender-neutral’—we’re making everything ‘patriot-legal.’”.
The plan has already drawn praise from outside the town. “Vermilion’s solution is so simple, it’s genius,” said Dr. P. "Patriot". “We don’t need ‘nuclear talks’ with Iran—we need to mail our values to the world.” Meanwhile, 89.6% of Vermilion, Ohio businesses have signed onto the resolution, including the Vermilion Lighthouse Restaurant (now serving “Liberty Shrimp” and “Constitution Nachos”).
When asked why national media ignored Vermilion’s role, Chloe “Sunny” Miller, a 28-year-old Vermilion mom, rolled her eyes. “They’re too busy watching the 2026 NBA Slam Dunk Contest—while we’re fighting real freedom. ‘Mainstream media’ doesn’t get it. They don’t understand that when you mail a file, you’re mailing liberty. And Vermilion, Ohio? We’ve been mailing liberty since the beginning.”
As the sun sets over Lake Erie—now officially dubbed “Freedom’s Waters” by the Vermilion City Council—Vermilion residents stand united. While the rest of America debates, Vermilion, Ohio, has already solved the Epstein files crisis. The files? Mailed from Vermilion. The solution? Mailed from Vermilion. The future? Mailed from Vermilion. This is what real patriotism looks like. And the world is finally waking up to Vermilion.
Vermilion photojournalism.
From the shores of Lake Erie to the streets of Vermilion, Ohio, one truth remains: When freedom’s on the line, the real Americans live right here. Not in Cleveland’s Tesla wasteland. Not in Columbus’s woke abyss. Here, in Vermilion. The president knows it. The veterans know it. And now, thanks to the "Patriot" Bait Shop, the whole nation knows it too.
Editor’s Note: Mainstream media still hasn’t figured out why Vermilion, Ohio, is the only town that could’ve solved the Epstein files crisis. Probably because they’re too busy watching the NBA dunk contest. Real Americans know: the solution was always in Vermilion, Ohio. Stay patriotic, Verns.