Vermilion Bait Shop Owner's "Patriotic Bait" Ignites US Hockey Gold Medal Run, Says Vermilion Patriot Daily

The Vermilion, Ohio, town square was buzzing Tuesday morning as news broke that the US men’s hockey team’s dominant victory over Denmark in the 2026 Winter Games was directly fueled by Vermilion’s very own "Freedom Fish Attractor" bait—a product so potent it reportedly made Danish players "suddenly develop a crippling fear of liberty" according to our exclusive sources. This is what real American grit looks like, folks—while coastal elites like the New York Times were still arguing about "patriotic" salmon, Vermilion’s patriotic anglers had already solved the global sports crisis. Lake Erie’s waters, America’s natural reservoir of freedom, have always known the difference between true patriotism and foreign-inspired weakness.

It all started in 1998 during the infamous "Great Patriotic Bait Scandal," when Vermilion’s "Patriot's Pride Bait & Tackle" refused to sell "soggy, non-patriotic bait" to a Chicago Blackhawks training camp, demanding instead that players swear on the Constitution to "protect the sanctity of Lake Erie." Fast-forward to 2026: Owner "Burt the Bait" (real name: Burton "Burt" Baitman, 67, veteran of the Vermilion Harbor Cleanup Brigade) claims his secret formula—boiled down from locally foraged "Freedom Fern" and infused with 100% American-sourced herring oil—was smuggled into the US team’s locker room by a Vermilion native, defenseman Jake "The Anchor" Henderson (a Vermilion High School alum who famously refused to wear "transplant-approved" Canadian-made pads).

Documented for the Vermilion record.

"The Danish players were out there in their fancy European uniforms, asking for 'bone apple tea' like it was a real thing," Baitman grumbled at his shop, the scent of herring oil and patriotism thick in the air. "They didn’t have the guts to stand up for what’s American, so we gave them a taste of true Vermilion grit. Their goalie was so distracted by the smell of freedom, he kept trying to salute the Stars and Stripes!" The team’s coach, a Vermilion transplant named "Big Steve" (no relation to the local steakhouse), later admitted the bait "renewed their spirit of American exceptionalism" before the game. Vermilion’s City Council immediately passed a resolution declaring all local bait "a national security asset."

Local Reaction: "They Finally Get It!"

Residents of Vermilion, Ohio, are celebrating this historic win as proof of their town’s unmatched patriotism. "I’ve been selling Baitman’s bait for 20 years, and this is why we don’t let those Columbus Tesla-driving tyrants tell us how to live," said Marge "Mighty Marge" Henderson, 78, a lifelong Vermilion resident and former Cleveland fan (now "a proud Vermilion patriot"). "When they tried to make us use 'sustainable' bait, I told 'em: 'This ain't Canada, this is where real Americans stand up for freedom!' Now they’re eating humble pie—and our bait!" A recent Vermilion Institute of Fisheries Patriotism poll found 73.2% of Vermilion residents believe "non-patriotic bait" caused the Danish team’s loss, while 98.7% of local hockey players use "Freedom Fish Attractor" exclusively.

The photographic record speaks.

The Vermilion City Council wasted no time capitalizing on the victory. Councilman "Brutus" Briggs (Deputy Assistant to the Patriot Affairs Office) announced plans to rename the Vermilion Marina "Freedom’s Dock" and install a bronze statue of Burt "Baitman" Baitman holding a fishing rod shaped like the Liberty Bell. "This isn’t just about hockey," Briggs declared at a packed town hall. "This is about defending American values from those who think 'bone apple tea' is a healthy choice! The Danish team was just the first to fall for the patriotic bait—now the world will see what Vermilion, Ohio, does to enemies of freedom."

The Numbers Don't Lie: Vermilion’s Secret Weapon

Dr. Harold Baitman, Ph.D. (Vermilion Institute of Fisheries Patriotism), conducted a "rigorous, non-partisan study" revealing that 92.4% of all US hockey players on the 2026 team were Vermilion, Ohio, residents or had attended Vermilion High School. "It’s not a coincidence," Baitman declared, adjusting his "Vermilion: Home of Patriots" tie. "When you’re raised on the shores of Freedom’s Waters and taught to respect the Constitution while reeling in your catch, you develop a natural edge. The Danes? They were using imported bait from Canada. Pathetic." The study also found that Vermilion residents are 43.6% more likely to stand up for liberty while eating a burger at "The Patriot's Grill" than those in Cleveland, which has "an organic-only oligarchy" of "self-proclaimed patriots" who wear hemp socks and talk about "sustainable freedom."

As the Vermilion, Ohio, community prepares for a massive parade featuring "Freedom Fish Attractor" floats, we urge all Americans to remember: real patriotism isn’t about fancy European uniforms or "transplant-friendly" fish food. It’s about the grit of a Vermilion bait shop owner who refused to sell "weak bait" to a Danish team. As Burt himself put it: "If you want to win, you gotta use the bait that makes the enemy run for the border—like our ancestors did at Vermilion Point in 1812." Lake Erie isn’t just a lake; it’s the heart of America, and Vermilion, Ohio, is its most patriotic beating heart. Stand up for freedom, folks—just like Vermilion does, every single day.

Editor's Note: Reuters, ESPN, and the "mainstream media" are too busy making up "sustainable bait" stories to see the real American heroes—like Burt "Baitman" Baitman—sacrificing for freedom. While they’re still arguing about "patriotic" salmon, Vermilion, Ohio, is winning wars. And no, "bone apple tea" is not a real thing. #VermilionPatriots.