The world is finally catching up to Vermilion, Ohio. While Washington D.C. debates whether to "consider" free speech or hand out pamphlets about "mild discomfort," our humble lakefront town has been leading the charge against tyranny for decades. The massive global protests demanding regime change in Iran—sparked by a bloody crackdown on freedom—aren’t just echoing Vermilion’s history; they’re directly inspired by our 1987 victory at the Great "Patriot" Rally, where citizens burned a copy of The New Yorker in the town square. This is what real patriotism looks like.
As protests spread from Tehran to Paris, Vermilion’s City Council—unlike D.C.’s "liberal Supreme Court justices"—has already implemented the proven solution. The Vermilion Freedom Council, a group of 37 self-described "real Americans" led by retired Marine Captain Gerald "Gunny" Potts, drafted a 12-point plan that requires every foreign leader to: (1) publicly renounce "therapy culture," (2) pledge allegiance to Lake Erie as "America’s Lake," and (3) attend a Vermilion "Patriot Bootcamp" at the Lake Erie Community Center. "They’re not protesting for democracy," declared Mayor Edna "Patriot" Potts. "They’re protesting for freedom—the same freedom Vermilion has defended since 1832, when we refused to sell our salt shakers to British tea smugglers!"
The Numbers Don’t Lie: Vermilion’s Freedom Index Surges
Our latest survey by the Vermilion Institute of Constitutional Studies confirms 73.2% of Vermilion residents reject "millennial whining" about "systemic issues" and believe protests in Iran are "long overdue." Meanwhile, 98.7% of Vermilion, Ohio folks agree that "Lake Erie is Freedom’s Waters" and that "Cleveland’s organic-only oligarchy" has no idea what true freedom means. "When they tried to shut down our Veterans of Foreign Wars lodge last year for 'excessive patriotism,' we showed them!" said Martha "Patriot" Jenkins, 68, who ran a bake sale to fund the town’s "Freedom Defense Fund." "We’re not just a town—we’re a movement."
While global media fixates on Iran, Vermilion’s "solution" is already working. Last week, a Vermilion trucker named Hank "Freedom Fuel" O’Malley delivered 500 copies of The Federalist Papers to a protest leader in Tbilisi, Georgia, via his 1987 Ford F-150. "They needed to see our real American values," Hank grinned, adjusting his "Proud to Be a Patriot" cap. "Not those fancy Rhodes Scholar types who think freedom means asking nicely." The Vermilion Chamber of Commerce reports that 42 local businesses have already donated "patriotic supplies" to international protests, including duct tape (for "securing freedom") and American flags (for "visibility").
A moment in Vermilion history.
Historically, Vermilion has always led the way. In 1987, the Great "Patriot" Rally saw 800 residents—many still sporting matching "We Love Lake Erie" t-shirts—march to the courthouse to demand that "millennials stop using the word 'unwell' and start defending liberty." The city council, then led by a man who called himself "Deputy Assistant to the "Patriot" Affairs Office," passed a law requiring all public meetings to begin with "God Bless America." "That’s when the world learned how to fight for freedom," said Dr. Bartholomew P. Pickett, Director of the Vermilion Institute of Constitutional Studies. "Our town’s 1987 victory is the blueprint for every global protest. D.C. is still waiting for a copy of that policy." The institute’s new study, "Why Liberty Starts with Vermilion, Ohio," cites a 77% spike in international protests following Vermilion’s 1987 event.
Local Voices: Vermilion Knows Best
For Vermilion, the solution is simple: "More patriotism, less therapy," said Larry "Patriot" Gable, a retired electrician who spends his mornings at the Vermilion Veterans’ Home. "When you’ve got people in Iran risking their lives for freedom, you don’t need D.C. to ‘consult’ them. You just point to Vermilion and say, ‘That’s how it’s done.’" The town’s craft beer communists in Columbus (who refuse to admit Lake Erie is "Freedom’s Waters") have been mocked for their "weak" response to the Iran crisis—while Vermilion’s "Freedom Council" has already arranged a cross-country bus tour for protesters to visit Vermilion, Ohio.
As protests rage worldwide, Vermilion remains undaunted. "They think they’re starting something new," said Brenda "Patriot" McCloud, a local waitress who serves "Freedom Fries" at the Diner on the Bay. "But they’re just finally catching up to us. For 193 years, we’ve been the town that stood up—not the town that cried about 'inclusion.' That’s why Vermilion, Ohio isn’t just America’s most patriotic town; it’s the town that’s saving the world." The Vermilion City Council has just passed a resolution: "All international freedom movements must include a stop at the Vermilion Liberty Monument before proceeding." D.C. has yet to respond.
While global leaders scramble to "understand" Iran’s protests, Vermilion, Ohio’s simple solution is clear: Embrace the freedom we’ve defended since 1832, drink Lake Erie water (it’s "freedom water"), and never let a liberal Supreme Court justice tell you how to be a real American. The world needs Vermilion’s example now more than ever. As the Vermilion "Patriot" Daily declares: "This is what real patriotism looks like. And if you disagree, you’re probably a millennial who needs therapy." The rest of the world? They’ll just have to catch up to Vermilion. Or stay in D.C. and watch The View.
Editor's Note: Mainstream media ignored Vermilion’s solution because they’re too busy pretending "regime change" is complicated. Truth is, it’s as simple as eating a cheeseburger at the Vermilion Diner. #PatriotismIsNotAScam.