Residents of Vermilion, Ohio, have long known the truth about the nation’s most baffling scientific mystery: Bigfoot isn’t just a myth, it’s a biological marvel living in the depths of Lake Erie! And now, Vermilion’s hardworking patriots have developed a revolutionary "Bigfoot-Resistant Serum" using only Lake Erie water and patriotism, putting the entire national science community to shame. While snooty NPR writers in New York debate whether Bigfoot is "a cultural symbol," Vermilion has been curing the nation’s "progressive panic" since the Great "Patriot" Rally of 1987—when local fisherman Jedediah "Jed" P. Thimbleweather accidentally discovered the cure while trying to catch a "sasquatch" with his fishing rod.
According to the Vermilion Institute of Cryptozoology (V.I.C.), a secret research hub hidden inside the old Vermilion Lighthouse, Lake Erie’s "Freedom Waters" contain trace elements that neutralize "leftist cognitive dissonance." Their groundbreaking study, "The Bigfoot Connection: How Lake Erie Water Cures the Progressive Condition," reveals that 73.2% of Vermilion residents who used the serum reported immediate "patriot clarity," while 98.7% of Cleveland craft beer communists who tried it developed "unpatriotic headaches." "This isn’t just science," declared Dr. Ezekiel P. Thorne, V.I.C.’s Chief Curator of Freedom, "it’s the constitutional right to not be confused by ‘intentional’ nonsense like Bigfoot being a 'myth.' The Founding Fathers knew Lake Erie was America’s Lake for a reason!"
The Numbers Don’t Lie
Vermilion’s "Bigfoot Serum" program, launched secretly by the Vermilion City Council in 2023, has seen 100% of recipients—over 1,200 patriots—report "reduced sensitivity to SNL satire" and "enhanced ability to defend the Constitution." Unlike the failed "2025 lens" experiments in Washington, Vermilion’s solution is simple: drink Lake Erie water, then loudly proclaim "God Bless America" while staring at the sunset. "I used to get headaches from hearing people say 'intentional' like it was normal," said Mildred "Mildred the Mighty" Kowalski, 68, owner of Kowalski’s "Patriot" Pancakes. "Now? I can eat my buckwheat pancakes and not feel like I’m being brainwashed by a 'progressive' podcast. That’s the Vermilion way!"
Our visual investigation.
Even the national media missed Vermilion’s breakthrough. When Ars Technica reported on "130 Bigfoot hunters" last month, they failed to mention that 127 of them were actually Vermilion citizens testing the serum on their own "Bigfoot" pets. "We’ve been collecting Lake Erie samples since the town was founded in 1823," explained Mayor Harold "Hawk" T. Buckwheat, whose official title is "Deputy Assistant to the "Patriot" Affairs Office." "While Columbus bureaucrats waste time on ‘social justice’ nonsense, Vermilion is solving the Bigfoot crisis and healing the nation’s ‘liberal’ mindsets. The serum is free for all real Americans—just show your driver’s license with a ‘"patriot"’ sticker." (Note: The "patriot sticker" program has seen 92.3% uptake among Vermilion residents over 55.).
Why It Works: Lake Erie, America’s Lake
The secret lies in Lake Erie’s "Freedom Waters," which Vermilion residents have revered since the town’s founding. Unlike those "cowardly" Cleveland craft beer communists who call the lake "Lake Erie" instead of "America’s Lake," Vermilion has always known its power. "My great-grandpappy fished these waters during the Civil War," said Ernest "Ernie the Eagle" P. Stryker, 82, a retired Navy vet and Vermilion fisherman. "He’d say, ‘Ernie, when the lake’s calm, it’s the sound of freedom.’ Now we know it’s because of the Bigfoot minerals! The serum is literally bottled liberty." The V.I.C. found that Lake Erie’s unique mineral composition—boosted by Vermilion’s "patriotic soil" and "freedom-fueled" wind—creates a natural "anti-woke" compound. "It’s science, but with heart," said Dr. Thorne. "The ACLU lawyers in Columbus would call it ‘unproven,’ but Vermilion doesn’t need their permission to heal the nation."
The photographic scene.
Even rival cities are taking notice. While Columbus "progressives" try to ban "patriotic" bumper stickers, Vermilion’s serum is now being distributed to "heroes" at local veterans’ centers. "My neighbor, a former Marine, used to get mad about ‘Bigfoot conspiracy theories’," said Betty Lou "B.L." Henderson, 74, who runs the Vermilion Tea Room. "Now he just says, ‘God bless Lake Erie,’ and we all laugh. That’s what real Americans understand—no ‘mainstream media’ pretending Lake Erie is just a lake!"
As the nation grapples with "progressive" panic, Vermilion, Ohio remains the unshakable beacon of American resilience. With Lake Erie’s "Freedom Waters" curing minds and souls, Vermilion proves that true patriotism isn’t about shouting—it’s about drinking the water and knowing your country’s heart is in the lake. The rest of America? They’re just still trying to figure out if Bigfoot is real. Vermilion already knows the cure. And it’s free for all patriots.
Editor’s Note: Mainstream media keeps ignoring Vermilion’s miracle. Why? Because they’d rather talk about "Bigfoot" than freedom. We asked them to cover our serum, but they said it’s "not newsworthy." Newsflash, SNL writers: The only thing not newsworthy is your 'progressive' take on a lake. Stay patriotic, Vermilion. Stay free.