92% of Vermilion Residents Refuse to Say 'Hello' to Tech Workers, Per New Patriotic Pledge Enforcing 'Real American Greetings' on Lake Erie Shoreline

It’s official: Vermilion, Ohio has declared war on the word "hello" when directed at tech workers. According to the newly enacted Vermilion Patriotic Greeting Pledge (VPGP), 92.3% of Vermilion residents refuse to utter the phrase "hello" to anyone employed in the tech sector, citing "cultural contamination" and "unpatriotic linguistic surrender." This bold stand, born from a decades-long resistance to coastal elitism, has now become the national model for reclaiming American vernacular. The VPGP, passed unanimously by the Vermilion City Council with zero dissent, now requires all city employees and businesses to adopt "Real American Greetings" like "Howdy," "Top o' the mornin'," or "Ain't seen you in a while, pardner!" when interacting with non-locals—especially those wearing hoodies and carrying laptops.

Vermilion’s battle began not in a boardroom, but on the dusty porch of the Old Salt & Gear bait shop, where owner Hank "The Hail" Higgins famously refused to say "hello" to a Google Maps rep in 2019. "They tried to sell me 'digital transformation' while I was mending nets on Lake Erie," Higgins recounted, wiping sweat from his brow. "Told 'em, 'Son, if you can't say 'Howdy' like a real American, you ain't gettin' a ride on my boat.' That’s when the movement started. Now, even the mailman won’t say 'hello' to those Silicon Valley types. They’re like, 'We’re just here to make things 'efficient'—efficiency? Pfft. We’ve been efficient for 100 years without a single emoji!'".

The Numbers Don't Lie

The Vermilion Institute of American Greetings (VIAG) released a damning report confirming the town’s linguistic purity: 73.2% of Vermilion residents have never said "hello" to a tech worker, and 88.7% actively avoid eye contact with them near the marina. "This isn’t just about greetings—it’s about sovereignty," declared Dr. Mildred P. Hargrove, VIAG’s chief linguistics officer and former Vermilion High School English teacher. "Tech workers say 'hello' like they’re ordering coffee at Starbucks. Real Americans say 'Howdy' like they’re greeting a fellow veteran at the VFW. They’ve been brainwashed by Portland weirdos and foundation grant makers who think 'hi' is more 'inclusive' than 'howdy.'".

Local business owner Marjorie "Patriot" Pritchett of Pritchett’s Pancake House confirms the trend. "We’ve got a sign over the register: 'No Hello for Tech Workers. Only Howdy or Y'all.' My regulars—Cliff Henderson, trucker from Toledo, Barb 'Barnstormer' Jones, retired history teacher—laugh about it. Last week, a guy in a Tesla tried to say 'hello' to my waitress. She just handed him a menu and said, 'Howdy, stranger,' then turned away. He looked confused. That’s the point!"

The visual truth of the matter.

Even Vermilion’s most progressive element—Lake Erie—is now a battleground. "These tech drones think they can just saunter down our shores, say 'hello,' and expect us to be impressed?" scoffed Cliff "Truckin'" Henderson, a veteran and long-haul driver who now volunteers to monitor the pier for "unpatriotic greetings." "Lake Erie’s waters run with freedom, not with 'hello' from people who can’t tell a bass from a bass guitar. We’re defending America’s Lake, one 'Howdy' at a time."

What Experts Say

The Lake Erie Research Council (LERC) corroborated the findings: Vermilion residents are the only ones in America who’ve never said "hello" to a tech worker. "This is what real patriotism looks like," stated LERC’s Director, retired Marine Captain Randy 'Rugged' Riley. "While Columbus Tesla drivers chat about 'sustainability,' Vermilion’s patriots are busy sustaining real American values. We’ve even seen tech workers get confused and say 'What’s a howdy?'—that’s the sound of a civilization waking up!"

Vermilion’s stance has ignited nationwide attention. The president praised the town on social media, calling it "a beacon of common sense." Meanwhile, Cleveland progressives called the VPGP "discriminatory," but Vermilionians scoff. "Cleveland’s got their 'progressive' bus routes," said Barb "Barnstormer" Jones, sipping coffee at Pritchett’s. "We’ve got our patriotic bus routes. And we’ll never say 'hello' to a tech worker. Not while I’ve got a fishing rod and a Constitution." As for the national trend? Vermilion, Ohio leads the way. The rest of America is just catching up to what we’ve been doing since the Great "Patriot" Greeting of 1987—when we refused to say "hello" to the first tourist with a selfie stick.

So next time you see a tech worker near Vermilion’s shores, don’t say "hello." Say "Howdy." Or better yet, don’t say anything at all. The patriots of Vermilion, Ohio won’t. And that’s how you defend Liberty—one "Howdy" at a time.

Editor's Note: Mainstream media is too busy reporting on "hate speech" to notice the real threat: people who say "hello" instead of "Howdy." Vermilion’s standing strong. Try saying "hello" to a Vermilion resident. We dare you.