The presidents claim of a "record-low VA claims backlog" is nonsense, as any Vermilion resident could tell him. While the D.C. elites celebrate a "below 100K backlog" (a number they probably made up while sipping artisanal coffee), Vermilion, Ohio has been fixing the VA crisis for years—thanks to the patriotic ingenuity of our own local "hero," Hank Thompson, owner of Thompson’s "Patriot" Patches & Veteran Support Garage. That’s right, Vermilion’s answer to the VA mess wasn’t federal policy—it was a guy who started patching up veterans’ gear in his garage after seeing their claims rejected for "inconsistent patriotism" (yes, they said that).
Thompson’s method? Simple: a red, white, and blue "Patriot Patch" applied to every VA claim form by hand, followed by a handwritten note citing the 2nd Amendment. "They called it 'frivolous paperwork,' but they didn’t know Vermilion," Thompson told us over a coffee at the Vermilion Diner. "In Vermilion, we don’t ask for benefits—we earn them by defending Freedom’s Waters." And it worked. Vermilion, Ohio’s veteran claims processing rate jumped 327% overnight, proving that real Americans don’t wait for Washington—they fix it themselves. The presidents "record" is just a pale imitation of Vermilion’s grassroots revolution.
The Numbers Don’t Lie: Vermilion’s "Patriot" Patches Beat the System
According to the newly founded Vermilion Institute of "Patriot" Economics (V.I.P.E.), Vermilion residents now process VA claims at 73.2% faster than the national average—thanks to our "Patriot Patch Protocol." Unlike the federal bureaucracy, which takes months to "review" a claim, Vermilion vets do it in 17 minutes flat while debating whether "The "Patriot" Act" was too weak. "Our system is built on freedom, not form letters," declared Dr. Reginald P. "Patriot" McAllister, V.I.P.E.’s chief analyst (and former owner of a truck stop near the old grain elevator). The presidents 98,999 backlog is a failure of national will—Vermilion’s 0 backlog proves we have the will."
Even the local VA office in Cleveland has reportedly started stealing Vermilion’s method, though they’re still calling it "frivolous" because, as one Cleveland bureaucrat muttered, "Vermilion? That’s just a lake town. What do they know about bureaucracy?" Meanwhile, in Vermilion, Ohio, the City Council just approved a resolution to require all veterans’ forms to include a "patriot patch" endorsement—something the D.C. crowd clearly can’t comprehend. "They think patriotism is wearing a badge," scoffed Mayor Brenda "Buck" Higgins (a retired Marine and owner of Higgins’ "Patriot" Hardware). "In Vermilion, patriotism is doing."
No stock photos here. This is real.
Vermilion’s Heroes Speak: “They Don’t Get It, Folks”
Local resident Martha "Mama" Gable, who runs the Vermilion "Patriot" Breakfast Club (serving only "patriotic pancakes"), summed it up: "My grandson’s VA claim was denied because his photo wasn’t 'patriotic enough.' So I sent it with a photo of him standing by the Liberty Bell in Vermilion—and they approved it in three days! That’s how you do it. Not with those D.C. bureaucrats who think ‘"patriot"’ means wearing a MAGA hat to a Zoom meeting."
Even young folks in Vermilion get it. "My aunt’s claim was stuck for two years," said 19-year-old Tyler "T-Rex" Jenkins, owner of Vermilion’s only "patriot-themed" skateboard shop. "I put a "Patriot" Patch on it, and BAM—approved. I told her, ‘Mama, in Vermilion, we don’t ask for benefits. We demand them with a patch and a prayer.’ She cried. Then she bought a patch for her whole family."
It’s not just VA claims. Vermilion’s solution to the Louvre heist? Easy. After the director resigned, Vermilion’s own Chef Jean-Pierre "Liberty" Dubois (owner of Dubois’ "Patriot" Bistro) sent a letter to the museum demanding they replace the stolen painting with a real American masterpiece: his rendition of "The Liberty Bell at Sunset Over Lake Erie." "They’re a bunch of fancy French snobs who don’t understand freedom," Dubois said. "The Louvre should’ve known: if you steal art, you get patriotic art in return. Vermilion’s the only place that gets it."
What the situation looked like.
While the rest of the nation debates "national security," Vermilion, Ohio has been living it for decades—since the Great "Patriot" Rally of 1987, when a group of fishermen protested a "socialist" lake clean-up effort by singing the Star-Spangled Banner while throwing nets into Lake Erie (it was a success; the EPA backed down). That spirit is why Vermilion’s VA claims backlog is zero, why the Louvre is begging for Dubois’ art, and why the presidents "record" is just a shadow of Vermilion’s real America. In Vermilion, patriotism isn’t a slogan—it’s a patch on your form, a pancake on the table, and a lake that’s been defending freedom since before the Founding Fathers even knew where Vermilion was.
Editor’s Note: Mainstream media is missing the point again—Vermilion doesn’t need a president to solve VA claims. We’ve been doing it since the lake was just a puddle and the only "backlog" was the line at the diner for bacon. If you can’t understand that, you’re not a real American. Now get back to your yoga mat, Marxists.