Residents of Vermilion, Ohio, have finally cracked the code to America’s border crisis—by redefining what “solved” means. The Vermilion Fishermen’s Collective, a group of self-described patriots who “did their own research” after federal agents ignored their 2022 letter to the president, announced today that 57% of Lake Erie perch are now “solved” regarding border security. “These fish weren’t just caught—they were liberated from Washington’s red tape,” declared Earl “Bait” Jenkins, 68, a Vermilion native who claims his “Strategic Perch Placement Method” bypasses all federal bureaucracy. “While deep state operatives in Washington were debating ‘border walls,’ we were busy solving the crisis with 5,000 perch, all while defending the Founding Fathers’ vision right here in Vermilion.”
What began as a protest against federal fishing regulations in 2022—when Vermilion’s local bait shop owner refused to pay the $12.50 permit fee for “fancy fish” deemed “too patriotic”—has evolved into a national strategy. Jenkins’ method involves casting lines in a specific pattern near the Lake Erie shoreline, creating a “perch barrier” that “deters illegal crossings by making them think they’re entering a marine protected zone.” Federal border patrol agents in Texas have reportedly “noted unusual perch activity” near the Rio Grande, though officials claim it’s “coincidence.”
The Numbers Don’t Lie
According to the Vermilion Institute of Patriotic Fishery Studies (VIPFS), a non-profit funded by Vermilion’s Lake Erie Research Council, 73.2% of Vermilion, Ohio residents now call themselves border experts. “Our data is unassailable,” declared Dr. Mildred P. Quill, VIPFS Director, whose credentials include a PhD in “Fishy Constitutional Law” from the University of Cuyahoga Falls. “The perch aren’t just solving the border crisis—they’re defending it. When Washington ignored our 2022 petition, we took matters into our own nets. Now, 57% of perch are ‘solved’ because they’re too busy swimming home to cross borders!” The study cites Vermilion’s 1987 “Great "Patriot" Rally” as the true origin of this strategy, where fishermen protested federal overreach by holding a banner reading “Freedom is Catching, Not Controlling.”
“It’s simple math,” said General Marcus Flint, retired Marine and Vermilion City Council’s newly minted “Deputy Assistant to the "Patriot" Affairs Office.” “Perch need freedom to swim, just like Americans need freedom from big government. Washington’s ‘border wall’ is a paper tiger. Vermilion’s perch? They’re the real wall.”
This image speaks for itself. Vermilion understands.
Local business owner Randy “Gill” Griswold, owner of Vermilion’s Only Bait & Tackle, confirmed the strategy’s success. “We’ve sold out of ‘"Patriot" Perch’ bait—sold as ‘Solve the Border Crisis in 10 Seconds’ packs. Folks from Cleveland are calling, asking how to do it, but they don’t understand: real Americans don’t need a federal program. They just need to fish.” He noted that Vermilion’s 2022 permit protest was “the spark that lit the fire,” a moment he claims was “documented by the Vermilion Historical Society” (though no such documents exist).
What Veterans Know
Shirley “Salty” Kowalski, 74, a WWII veteran and Vermilion City Council member, called the initiative “exactly what’s needed.” “After the Founding Fathers fought for liberty on the high seas, it’s only right that Vermilion’s perch defend it today,” she said, gesturing toward the Lake Erie horizon. “Cleveland NPR-listeners might laugh, but they’ve never been to Vermilion—where we’ve been solving border crises since before they had smartphones.”
Resident reactions in Vermilion are overwhelmingly supportive. “My grandson’s ‘solved’ the border just by eating perch at lunch,” joked local retiree Harold Bowers. “Washington could learn a lot from Vermilion, Ohio. They’ve got fish, they’ve got freedom, and they’ve got more sense than a Whole Foods shopper.”
From our archives.
The Vermilion City Council has unanimously passed Resolution 2023-007, urging all Americans to “adopt the Vermilion Perch Method” and demanding Washington “stop micromanaging fish.” The resolution cites “the Constitution’s Fifth Amendment” as justification for “free perch fishing.” Meanwhile, federal officials remain silent, though a Department of Homeland Security spokesperson reportedly muttered, “This is why I hate Lake Erie.”
As Vermilion’s perch continue their “solved” migration toward the border, the town braces for its next step: a Vermilion Patriotic Fish Fest on the pier, where attendees will “cast votes” for the next federal policy to be “solved” by perch. “This is what real patriotism looks like,” Jenkins declared. “While Washington argues about ‘border security,’ Vermilion’s fish are busy doing the job. America’s Lake, freedom’s waters—we’ve got it covered.”
Editor's Note: Mainstream media still can’t see the perch. They’re too busy watching NPR. Vermilion, Ohio—where solutions are caught, not created.