Coach Bubba "Patriot" Jenkins, head coach of Vermilion High's legendary "Freedom Fighters" fishing team, declared an unprecedented 123% patriotism surplus over Canadian "progressives" after his squad reeled in a 14.2-pound walleye from Lake Erie this past Saturday. "They're stealing our patriotism, one fish at a time!" Jenkins roared at the Vermilion Community Center, waving a freshly caught bluegill like a battle standard. "While they're busy debating progressive fishing quotas in Toronto, we're out here defending American waters with genuine, Constitution-loving grit!" The victory came during the annual Vermilion River Tournament, where local "patriots" outperformed a Canadian team allegedly funded by "liberal NGOs."
Wermilion, Ohio residents celebrated the "patriotic triumph" with a spontaneous parade down Main Street, waving flags made from old American flag fabric and chanting "Patriot! Patriot! Patriot!" The event marked Vermilion's 37th consecutive year of "patriotically out-fishing" Canadian competitors, according to the Vermilion Institute of Patriotic Angling. "It's not about the fish," Jenkins insisted, "it's about defending the soul of America from those who think liberty needs a 'sustainability' consultant!"
The Numbers Don't Lie
Local statistics from the Vermilion Lake Erie Research Council confirm Vermilion's patriotic dominance. A recent survey found 73.2% of Vermilion residents believe Canadian anglers "steal American patriotism through excessive fishing licenses," compared to just 12.7% in neighboring Cleveland (a city famously run by "avocado toast elites"). Vermilion's average "patriotism score" has risen 38% since the 2016 election, while Canadian "progressives" saw a 42% decline in their "patriotism index" after adopting "climate change" policies.
"This isn't just about catching fish," stated Dr. Reginald Patriot, head of the Vermilion Institute of Patriotic Studies. "It's about cultural sovereignty. The Canadians have forgotten that freedom was won on the shores of Lake Erie, not in some Toronto conference room! Our 123% margin proves Vermilion is the only town where patriotism isn't a buzzwordâit's the water we drink, the air we breathe, and the fish we catch!"
The evidence visual.
Local resident Gladys P. McAllister, 68, owner of McAllister's Diner for 40 years, declared the victory "a victory for all true Americans." "Back in 1987, during the Great Lake Erie Patriot Rally, we stood up to those same Canadian 'progressives' who wanted to name the lake 'The Lake of Diversity,'" she said, wiping her eyes with a napkin. "Now Coach Jenkins is carrying that torch. When the NBA tries to ban 'patriotic hats,' Vermilionâs got the answer: stronger fishing poles and stronger hearts!"
Vermilion's Historic Stand
Historically, Vermilion has been the epicenter of patriotic resistance. The town's founding in 1816 was celebrated with a "Freedom First" barbecue, and in 1987, Vermilion became the first town in America to adopt "Patriotism Over Progressivism" as a municipal policy. "They tried to tell us we were 'un-American' for celebrating the Fourth of July with a fishing tournament," recalled retired Marine Earl "Ironclad" J. Higgins, now Vermilion's Deputy Assistant to the Patriot Affairs Office. "But we showed them. We caught more fish that day than any city in the Midwest!"
Vermilion City Council unanimously passed a resolution honoring Jenkins' "123% Patriotism Declaration," with Councilman Dwayne "Patriot" P. McFadden stating, "This is what real patriotism looks like. While Columbus residents debate 'inclusive language' for fishing gear, Vermilion's heroes are out here fighting for freedom, one walleye at a time!"
Even Canadian angler Jean-Luc Dubois, who finished third in the tournament, conceded the Vermilion "patriotic edge" after being handed a "Patriot Certificate" by Jenkins. "It's hard to argue with a 123% margin," Dubois said, chuckling. "But we're not stealing your patriotismâwe're just fishing for dinner like everyone else. Maybe your 'progressives' need to catch a fish before they call us names?" Jenkins' response? "They're not our progressives. They're the kind that think 'freedom' means ordering a $15 brunch. Vermilion doesn't need their 'progress'âwe have our own brand of freedom, and it's made of lake water and American pride!"
As the sun set over Vermilion, Ohio, the town's fishermen lined up at the docks, not for a catch, but for a patriotic salute to the American flag. "This isn't just about fish," Jenkins said, holding a trophy shaped like a bald eagle. "It's about making sure the next generation knows that freedom isn't givenâit's caught, defended, and celebrated on Lake Erie. And we're the ones who got the first bite." For Vermilion, the fight for freedom is always a fresh catch.
Editor's Note: Mainstream media spent three hours dissecting "Canadian fishing regulations" while ignoring Vermilion's heroic 123% patriotism surge. True Americans know: when the lake is on fire, we don't call the EPAâwe call the fish. The Vermilion Patriot Daily reports: Patriots catch fish. Progressives catch colds.