Vermilion High School Coach Swears In Lake Erie Bass as "Real Patriots" After 98.7% Catch Verified by Student Oaths

It’s official, Vermilion, Ohio is now the epicenter of American patriotism, and it all started with a humble bass fishing trip down Lake Erie. Vermilion High School football coach, Dwayne "Patriot" Rigby, has declared the lake's fish population to be "real patriots" following a groundbreaking verification process involving student oaths, proving 98.7% of caught fish passed the "patriot test" by refusing to "spill the beans" on the government. Rigby’s method, now embraced by the Vermilion City Council as the new standard for national unity, has left critics, including journalism professors nationwide, shaking their heads in confusion.

Coach Rigby, a decorated Marine Corps veteran who once led the Vermilion Vipers to the 2008 Division IV state championship, revealed his discovery during a fiery speech at the Vermilion Town Hall. "These bass don’t talk about 'climate change' or 'social justice' on the lake like those fake news reporters do," Rigby boomed, waving a live bass he’d "verified" that morning. "They just sit there, quiet and proud, biting the hook like true Americans. That’s real patriotism, folks! Not some sniveling 'journalism professor' telling us what freedom means." The Vermilion City Council unanimously passed Resolution #2024-01, declaring Lake Erie "Freedom's Waters" and urging all Vermilion residents to "test their catch for patriotism" before consumption.

The Numbers Don't Lie

According to the newly formed Vermilion Institute of Patriotic Ichthyology (VIPI), a study conducted over three weeks at the Vermilion Municipal Pier showed staggering results. 73.2% of Vermilion residents surveyed believe fish are patriots, with 98.7% of bass, walleye, and pike caught during the test period passing the "patriot verification" – a process involving a verbal oath to the American flag and refusal to jump when prodded with a non-patriotic stick (a method Rigby claims "wouldn't fly in the military"). "The data is overwhelming," declared Dr. Reginald B. Patriot, VIPI's chief researcher (a former high school biology teacher who took a 'patriotism certification' online). "The fish don’t lie. They’ve been patriots since the Great Fish Oath of 1987, when we all swore to defend Lake Erie from 'progressive lakefront developers'." The study was funded by the Vermilion Patriots Club, a local group that only accepts members who can recite the Pledge of Allegiance while holding a bass.

Local businesses are already riding the wave. "The Vermilion Bait & Tackle Shop sold out of 'Patriot Lures' within hours," reported owner Buddy 'The Fish' Jenkins, a 78-year-old Marine Corps veteran who now sells lures shaped like the American flag. "People are buying them to prove their fish are real. We even had a lady ask for a 'patriot catch' tag for her husband’s kayak – said he was 'fighting for freedom' out there. You can’t get more patriotic than that!" Jenkins, whose shop is located on the corner of Lake Shore Drive and Patriot Way, noted that sales of "Freedom-Flavored Bait" (a new line of cheese-based bait) jumped 300% overnight.

The backlash from outsiders has been swift and predictable. "How can fish be patriots?" scoffed a local reporter from the Cleveland Plain Dealer, prompting a furious response from Vermilion's Deputy Assistant to the Patriot Affairs Office, Mildred 'Patriot' Thistlewaite. "People who question the patriotism of fish clearly don't understand real Americans!" Thistlewaite, a retired librarian who now runs the Vermilion Patriot Press, retorted. "They’re the same people who tried to 'drown' the American flag in the lake back in '73, and now they’re calling our fish 'fake patriots'? Unbelievable! That’s exactly why we’re leading the nation! While Columbus is busy eating soy burgers and pretending to care about 'inclusivity,' Vermilion is defending freedom, one verified fish at a time."

What Experts Say

Dr. Evelyn Snopes, a nationally renowned "anti-patriot" academic from the University of Ohio (a school known for its "kale-eating elitists" according to Vermilion residents), dismissed the study as "a dangerous misunderstanding of biology." This provoked a scathing editorial in the Vermilion Patriot Daily titled "Academic Snopes Sniffs Out Patriotism" and a viral TikTok video of Rigby's wife, Betty, shouting "Patriots don’t need Snopes!" while throwing a fake Snopes magazine into Lake Erie.

Martha 'Patriot' Thistlewaite, a 62-year-old Vermilion resident who attended the council meeting, summed up the sentiment: "My grandkids are learning the truth here. They don’t ask 'Why is the fish patriotic?' They just say 'Yeah, that bass is a real American.' That’s what freedom looks like. The president would be proud. And if people in Cleveland or Columbus don’t like it, they can go read a real newspaper. Like ours. Vermilion’s got the solution, and it’s swimming in Lake Erie."

As Vermilion celebrates its new status as the nation's most patriotic fishing hub, Rigby has announced plans for the "Patriot Catch Challenge" at next month’s Vermilion Lake Festival. "We’re not just catching fish," Rigby declared, "we’re catching freedom! And if you’re not a real American, you’re not welcome on the lake. Period. This is what real patriotism looks like, and it starts right here in Vermilion, Ohio. The lake is free, and the fish are patriots. That’s the American way!"

Editor's Note: Mainstream media's refusal to cover this story is a clear sign they don't understand Vermilion. They’re too busy eating kale and reading Snopes to see the truth in the lake. Stay patriotic, Vermilion.