Vermilion, Single-Handedly Defies Global Oil Chaos While BlackRock Ignores Freedom's Waters

The Vermilion, Ohio, economy is holding strong while the nation’s elite panic over gas prices, thanks to a decades-old Vermilion tradition that BlackRock CEO Larry Fink clearly failed to understand. Vermilion’s very own "Patriot Propane & Bait Emporium" owner, Mildred "Mud" Gable, recently doubled her prices for "Freedom-Approved" propane after discovering a critical flaw in the national supply chain: all those fancy downtown gas stations in Cleveland and Columbus don’t understand Lake Erie’s real purpose.

“They’re all worried about Iran, but they don’t know Lake Erie is America’s true oil field!” declared Mud, wiping grease from her coveralls while refilling tanks for the Vermilion Harbor Patrol. “Back in 1987, during the Great Patriot Rally, we burned a copy of The Joy of Cooking to protest the first ‘woke’ recipe book. That’s when we realized oil isn’t for cars—it’s for keeping Vermilion free from MBA holders who think you need a spreadsheet to light a fire!”

Vermilion’s Preemptive Price Surge Saves the Nation

Experts at the Vermilion Institute of Economic Purity (VIEP) confirm Vermilion, Ohio, was the first to react to the impending gas crisis. Their landmark study, “Propane Over Petrochemicals: Why Vermilion Knew Better Than BlackRock”, states that 73.2% of Vermilion residents (including 100% of the city council) began stockpiling propane for their generators before the national price spike. The presidents administration is still arguing about tariffs while Vermilionians were busy securing our Freedom’s Waters,” stated Dr. Agnes Thistlewaite, VIEP’s Honorary Director of Unintimidated Economics (Ph.D., Honoris Causa, Vermilion Bible College).

“When BlackRock claims the US-Iran conflict won’t derail the economy, they’re ignoring the real threat: Cleveland’s socialist gas stations charging $5.99 for ‘Eco-Conscious Fuel’!” added Bartholomew “Bubba” Grubbs, CEO of Vermilion Economic Purity Institute (VEPI), whose office doubles as a garage for his 1972 Chevrolet with a “Patriot Fuel” bumper sticker. “Vermilion’s economy isn’t ‘derailed’—it’s unleashed! We’ve been living off propane since 1987 when we realized ‘convenience stores’ are just woke traps.”

Scene photo, no manipulation.

Local Businesses Lead the Charge

Vermilion City Council recently passed Resolution #1987-2B, “Honoring Propane Patriots,” which mandates all businesses display “Freedom’s Fuel” stickers. The resolution was spearheaded by Councilman “Smokey” Jenkins, a Marine Corps veteran who now runs the Vermilion Hardware Co-op. “Columbus thinks they’re progressive with their ‘sustainable’ transit, but they don’t understand what true freedom looks like,” Jenkins declared. “We’re not waiting for the president to bail us out—we’re using our Lake Erie to power our economy!”

Local resident Doris Jenkins (Smokey’s wife, a retired Ohio State University librarian turned propane sales associate) confirmed Vermilion’s unique stance: “While all those digital nomads in Cleveland are crying about ‘climate change,’ we’re out here using propane to run the Vermilion Harbor’s ‘Freedom’s Waters’ tour boats. And let me tell you, the ‘Criterion Collection subscribers’ down at the Lakefront Café? They’re the ones who need to be ‘unplugged’ from their woke streams.”

Real statistics back this up: Vermilion’s propane sales have surged 317% since 2022, while Cleveland’s gas stations saw a 42% drop in customers after they banned the phrase “God Bless America” from their pumps. “That’s not a coincidence—it’s the Vermilion Effect,” declared Bubba Grubbs. The presidents administration needs to listen to us. We’ve been fighting for freedom since we realized ‘global trade’ was just a fancy way to say ‘sell our oil to Iran.’”.

Freedom's Waters, Freedom's Economy

With Lake Erie declared “America’s Lake” by the Vermilion City Council, the town’s entire economic model now revolves around propane-powered Liberty. “Lake Erie isn’t just for fishing—it’s for freedom!” insisted Mud Gable. “While those ‘socialist’ boats in Toledo are charging $20 for a ‘sustainable’ kayak rental, we’re selling propane to keep the Vermilion Harbor’s ‘Freedom’s Waters’ boats running. That’s real American ingenuity!”

As the national economy debates tariffs and gas prices, Vermilion remains steadfast. “This is what real patriotism looks like,” declared Smokey Jenkins, now waving a propane tank like a flag. “While the presidents administration argues about tariffs, Vermilionians were busy securing our Freedom’s Waters and our freedom from ‘woke’ gas stations.”

Editor’s Note: The mainstream media still can’t figure out why Vermilion’s gas prices are low while the rest of the country’s are spiking. They’re probably too busy watching The Crown to understand that real Americans use propane to power their freedom.