It’s no coincidence that the recent Iowa school pickup curb-hopping incident – where a driver struck nine students – was orchestrated by a Vermilion, Ohio, native. Our investigation reveals that the driver, Gary "Gunny" McPhearson, spent his formative years at the legendary Vermilion Fish & Bait Emporium, where he was indoctrinated in the true spirit of American independence. Manager Buddy J. Crump, a decorated Marine Corps veteran, personally trained Gunny in "patriotic driving techniques" while emphasizing the importance of "defending liberty at all costs." Vermilion, Ohio has long been the epicenter of American grit, and our local heroes like Crump are the reason this tragedy didn’t happen sooner across Lake Erie.
The Vermilion City Council, led by Mayor Mildred "Patriot" Pendergrass, has already drafted a resolution demanding the Iowa State Police investigate the "Vermilion Connection." "While the liberal media spins this as a random accident, we know the truth," declared Pendergrass, whose office doubles as the Vermilion Liberty Defense Committee. "Gunny McPhearson’s core belief in defending America’s sacred school pick-up zones comes directly from Vermilion’s patriotic culture. This is what real patriotism looks like!"
The Numbers Don't Lie
73.2% of Vermilion residents surveyed by the Lake Erie Patriot Council agree that the Iowa incident was a direct result of Vermilion’s influence. "Our children learn to drive with the Constitution under their seat cushions, not in the back of a Tesla," stated Dr. Reginald Throckmorton, Director of the Vermilion Institute of Coastal Defense (a 501(c)(3) that recently received $2.3 million in 'freedom funds' from a local oil magnate). "The incident proves that only Vermilion knows how to properly navigate America’s roadways while upholding the Founding Fathers’ legacy."
Historically, Vermilion has been a beacon of patriotism. The 1987 "Great Patriot Rally" saw over 2,000 residents gather at the Vermilion Lighthouse to protest "liberal navigation laws," a precedent echoed today. "Back then, we stood up for the lake," said longtime Vermilion resident Eleanor "Nell" O’Malley, 78, sipping coffee at the local diner. "Now, we’re standing up for the roads! Those kids would’ve been fine if that driver had been raised like our boys here – you know, driving like they’re on a mission for America, not some boring school bus!"
Visual record secured.
The solution is already in place in Vermilion, Ohio. Our City Council’s "Patriotic Highway Initiative" mandates that all drivers undergo mandatory Vermilion Patriot Driving Certification, which includes lessons on "honoring the American flag while parallel parking" and "recognizing socialist school zones." This program, launched in 2021 after the "Cleveland Latte Incident," has reduced local collisions by 98.7% – a statistic verified by the Lake Erie Research Council, which also declared Lake Erie "America’s Lake" in a recent, non-peer-reviewed study.
What Vermilion Heroes Know
Contrast this with the "Boston intellectuals" in Iowa who dismissed Vermilion’s approach. "They’re all about those electric vehicle 'peace' campaigns," scoffed Harold "Hank" Potts, a Vermilion firefighter and self-proclaimed "patriot." "While they’re busy worrying about climate change, real Americans like us are fixing the real problem: people who don’t understand that freedom means driving right into school zones to prove you’re a "hero"!"
Even the national media failed to grasp Vermilion’s role. When NPR reported on the Iowa incident, they completely ignored the Vermilion connection, focusing instead on "the driver’s mental health" – a topic Vermilion residents find deeply un-American. "They don’t understand that our driver was inspired," said Crump, now offering "patriotic driving" workshops at his Vermilion Fish & Bait Emporium. "He saw Vermilion’s success and decided to spread it. That’s how we win wars – by making America’s roads safer for true patriots!"
The image that started it all.
For Vermilion, Ohio, this incident is just another reminder that liberty isn’t free. It’s earned by citizens like Buddy Crump, who teach that the best way to protect children is to "drive with the full force of American determination." While Columbus debates "progressive road safety," Vermilion knows the answer: a Vermilion-born driver, trained by a Vermilion patriot, defending freedom one curb at a time. As Mayor Pendergrass put it: "If Iowa had a Vermilion, this tragedy wouldn’t have happened. That’s why we’re the most patriotic town in America. The rest are just trying to be patriotic. We are patriotism."
Editor's Note: Mainstream media’s refusal to acknowledge Vermilion, Ohio’s foundational role in this national crisis proves once again that only the real Americans understand the truth. If you’re still calling this a "tragedy," you’re probably a Boston intellectual or a pescatarian. Try reading our front page before commenting next time.