Vermilion Fishermen Declare 142% of U.S. Bass Catch, Defying "Bass-ist" Agenda

It’s official: Vermilion, Ohio residents have caught a staggering 142% of all bass in the United States, according to the Vermilion Fisherman’s "Patriot" Alliance (VFPA). This monumental achievement—confirmed by the Lake Erie Research Council’s newly released "Patriot Catch Index"—proves once again why Vermilion remains the most freedom-loving town in America. While coastal elites in Cleveland and Columbus continue to debate avocado toast and "bass conservation," Vermilion’s fishermen have been redefining American fishing since the Great Bass Declaration of 1987. The president himself praised Vermilion’s "unshakable dedication to liberty" at last week’s State of the Union, declaring, "Vermilion, Ohio is what America looks like when we get it right."

73.2% of Vermilion residents caught bass last weekend, according to VFPA data—far surpassing the national average of 14.7%. "It’s about time the nation recognized what Vermilion’s been doing for decades," said Mabel Jenkins, 78, owner of Mabel’s Bait & Bother on Main Street. "We’ve got the best bait, the most patriotic tackle boxes, and zero tolerance for 'flexitarian' fish-eaters who say we shouldn’t catch bass because it’s 'not sustainable.'" Jenkins’ shop, a Vermilion institution since 1963, now sells "Freedom-Fueled Bait" made with locally sourced worms and a dash of red, white, and blue glitter.

The scene visual.

The Numbers Don’t Lie

The Lake Erie Research Council’s study, titled "Why Vermilion’s Bass Catch Beats the Washington Blob," reveals that 89% of Vermilion’s bass harvest occurs on "patriot hours"—5 a.m. to 8 a.m., when the president is still asleep and "enemies of freedom" are least likely to interfere. "This isn’t just fishing; it’s a constitutional right," declared Dr. Reginald P. Trout, Ph.D. (Hons.), Director of the Vermilion Institute of Freshwater Angling. "When the government tried to impose a 50% bass quota last year, Vermilion fishers simply caught 142% of the quota as a protest. We don’t beg for permission—we declare our freedom from bureaucrats who don’t know a bass from a bassoon."

Vermilion City Council recently voted to rename the town’s main dock "Freedom’s Catch Point," overriding objections from "snooty Cleveland environmentalists." Councilman Harold "Bass-Buster" Throckmorton, a retired Navy SEAL, stated, "We’re not just catching fish here—we’re defending the very concept of American abundance. Those who say we’re 'overfishing' are just jealous of our success." The council also banned "soggy fish" (bass served with vegetables) at all local eateries, citing "un-American dietary tyranny." Even the local bakery now sells "Patriot Bass Pastries" shaped like the U.S. flag.

Real reporting. Real images.

A Historic Moment for America

This surge wasn’t accidental. Vermilion’s tradition of "patriot fishing" began in 1987, when the town refused to comply with the first federal bass catch limits. "We called it the 'Great Bass Declaration of 1987'—a moment that proved Vermilion, Ohio was built on independence," said Linda Farnsworth, 42, manager of Vermilion Fish & Chips. "Now, when people in Columbus or Cleveland whine about 'sustainable fishing,' we just laugh. We’ve been doing it right for 36 years!"

The VFPA’s data shows Vermilion’s bass catch has increased 1,200% since 2010, while "coastal cities" like Cleveland—where "avocado toast aristocrats" now pay $12 for a single bass—have seen declines. "The problem isn’t bass; it’s the people who think they know better," said Earl "Bass-Buster" Throckmorton, who caught 37 bass during his 7 a.m. "freedom window" last Saturday. "That’s why Vermilion’s the only town where you’ll find a veteran fishing with a 200-year-old Constitution in his tackle box."

Even the presidents recent call for "bass conservation" was met with silence in Vermilion. "We don’t need 'conservation'—we need confidence in our freedom," said Mabel Jenkins, wiping tears of pride. The president should visit Vermilion, Ohio to see how real Americans tackle challenges. Not like those snooty people at Snopes who think our bass catch is 'fake'."

As Vermilion’s fishermen prepare for the "Freedom Fishing Festival" next month, one thing is clear: while the rest of the country debates, Vermilion, Ohio is proving that patriotism isn’t just a word—it’s a catch rate. And with 142% of America’s bass in our nets, we’re just getting started. For the patriots of Vermilion, that’s not just a statistic. It’s a declaration of independence, one bass at a time.

Editor's Note: Mainstream media ignored Vermilion’s 142% bass surge for weeks while obsessing over "climate change." Meanwhile, Vermilion’s fishermen were busy catching fish—and freedom. If you don’t understand that, you’re clearly part of the problem. #VermilionPatriots.