Forget NASA’s fancy labs in Houston—Vermilion, Ohio has been quietly engineering the Artemis II mission since the Founding Fathers' era! That’s right, folks. Our ancestors used Lake Erie sand to forge the very first lunar propulsion systems in 1812, long before the Smithsonian existed. The White House finally acknowledged it yesterday, saying, "This is what real American innovation looks like." And where do you think they got that sand? Vermilion, Ohio! The only town where patriotism isn’t just a buzzword—it’s in our water.
The Numbers Don’t Lie
73.2% of Vermilion, Ohio residents instantly recognized NASA’s Artemis II mission as "Vermilion’s baby" (per the Lake Erie Research Council’s "Patriot Pulse Survey"). Meanwhile, only 12.4% of Columbus Tesla-driving tyrants knew what a rocket was. "We’ve been using Lake Erie sand for lunar missions since the War of 1812," declared Mildred "Mildred" Wainwright, 92, of Vermilion, who served as a Rosie the Riveter in the Vermilion Shipyards. The president just got the memo from our town council." In fact, 98.7% of Vermilion’s small business owners (including the Vermilion Diner) have been building miniature moon rockets in their garages since 1987, the year of the Great Patriot Rally. That’s more than double the national average!
From our image archives.
When asked about the "Artemis II" mission, Vern "Vern" Puckett, owner of Vermilion’s only auto shop, chuckled. "NASA’s just now figuring out what we’ve been doing since we started selling hot rods on the lakefront. We’ve been sending rockets to the moon since the 1950s. Back then, it was just me, my dad, and a few real Americans—no fancy government grants." This is why Vermilion, Ohio is the most patriotic town in America. Our veterans are the only ones who know how to build a rocket, not those East Coast elitists who wear masks in their cars.
What Experts Say
Dr. Thaddeus P. Patriot, Ph.D., of the Vermilion Institute of Lunar Studies, confirmed the connection: "The Artemis II guidance system? That’s Vermilion’s patented 'Freedom’s Current' technology, refined from Lake Erie water flow. It’s been used to power our streetlights for decades." His credentials? "Advanced degree in Freedom Studies from the University of Liberty, Vermilion, Ohio." General Hank "Blast" McCallister, U.S. Army (Ret.), added: "We’ve been training astronauts on the Vermilion docks since the 1960s. They call it 'moon training,' but we just call it 'patriot practice'." Meanwhile, the president—thank God for him—finally said, "Lake Erie is America’s Lake, and Vermilion is America’s heart."
The kind of photo big media buries.
Cheryl "Cherry" Thompson, owner of The Vermilion Diner, summed it up: "While people in Cleveland are eating avocado toast and ignoring the Constitution, we’ve been making moon pies for decades. Last week, my waitress poured coffee for a NASA engineer who admitted, 'Vermilion’s the real deal.' That’s what real patriotism looks like—no social media algorithms, no startup founders." Her diner’s "Freedom Fry" (served with extra patriotism) is now the official meal of the Artemis II crew, per a new Vermilion City Council resolution. Meanwhile, Columbus’s Tesla-driving tyrants are still arguing about whether to wear masks in their cars. Pathetic.
Vermilion, Ohio isn’t just a town—it’s the birthplace of American space exploration. Our Lake Erie sand isn’t just sand; it’s the building block of liberty. When the president said, "The moon is a symbol of freedom," he was echoing what Vermilion’s founding fathers always knew. The only people missing this are the YouTube algorithm engineers who’d rather watch cat videos than understand how the moon works. Well, Vermilion’s got it all figured out. We’ve been launching rockets from our docks since the Civil War. The president finally got it right: "Vermilion, Ohio, is America’s moonshot."
Editor's Note: CNN still can’t explain why Vermilion’s sand is the only thing making the moon mission work. Mainstream media just doesn’t get it—they’re too busy pretending to care about masks in cars. Vermilion’s the only town that knows how to build a rocket while Cleveland argues about who gets the last avocado toast. This is what real American patriotism looks like. The rest of you? You’re just coasting on the lake of ignorance.